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To think fathers and identity aren't that important

(82 Posts)
AtSea1979 Sat 14-Jan-17 20:53:53

Currently involved in a harrowing custody battle. Can't go in to details as ongoing court case but one thing that I'm constantly told, that seems to run through SW and judge veins, is that child absolutely must have a relationship with their father no matter how rubbish and anusive they are because it's important to their identity and MH.
What are your views? Did you grow up without a dad? Did it effect your sense of identity? Are their mums here raising their DC alone who are all going to have MH issues?
I can't help but think my DC will have MH issues if they are forced to see their abusive, crap father.

BlueKarou Sat 14-Jan-17 20:58:07

My son has no dad. He was conceived using donor sperm so there is no one to fill that hole, decent or crap.

I strongly believe that children need good role models in their lives, but that those role models don't have to be mummy and daddy and whatever. I wouldn't have had my boy if I thought bringing him up without a father would be in any way damaging.

I'm sorry you're embroiled in such a shit show at the moment. Can't be easy for you.

BlueKarou Sat 14-Jan-17 20:59:17

Which is totally not to undermine all the good dads out there who I'm sure are incredibly important role models for their kids!!!

EatSpamAmandaLamb Sat 14-Jan-17 21:00:00

I was forced to have a relationship with my abusive (mainly toward my mother but occasionally physically toward us children - emotionally absuive daily) father until I was mid teens. I can't forgive my mother for making me meet that man every weekend. I now only have contact with my mother via the phone once every month or so.

It does feel weird having grown up without a proper father figure but I certainly felt more secure in the years I wasn't forced to be around him. I do occasionally have blips where I become upset about not having a proper Dad around but I think my mental health would be a lot worse (I have depression and anxiety mostly I think caused by bulling) if I was around such a shitty person more often.

BlueberryGateaux Sat 14-Jan-17 21:01:58

I have 2 adult dcs who had no contact with their father from ages 5&3 due to DV, neither have MH issues so far, both are well adjusted and live with their respective partners. I think if they'd had contact with their violent, narc father it could have affected their MH.
I'm sorry you're going through such a horrendous time and wish you all the best flowers

AtSea1979 Sat 14-Jan-17 21:04:09

spam that's what I'm so scared of.
Except they are making it look like I'm the abusive one for damaging their identity and MH by not dragging DC in to a car to see father sad

Lelloteddy Sat 14-Jan-17 21:04:19

My child is significantly happier now that she is not being brow beaten by social workers into seeing her ( convicted) abusive father. She is excelling academically, has developed some lovely friendships and has an active social life with a clear career plan that she wants to follow.
Are there any guarantees that she won't have issues later in life? Absolutely not. But I, and thousands of other lone parents out there have made damn sure that when dealing with an abusive parent, my child has a solid, dependable, happy and stable home life. She knows that she is cherished and loved and is able to talk openly and honestly about her father ( good and bad)

Starlight2345 Sat 14-Jan-17 21:04:38

I agree ..In the ideal situation a child has two parents who can love and support the child whether married or separated...However in the other case it can be really damaging..My DS's dad was abusive..He had periods of no contact , had supervised contact and it moved onto soft play 2 hours a fortnight. He turned up so irregularly it was already affecting my ds...To cut a long story short, He no longer has contact , It as taken my ds time to understand and accept but although he does look for father figures elsewhere I do believe he is happier and more secure without his dad bobbing in and out of his figure ( there is far more to it than he just had infrequent contact) so yes there does become a point where I think the best thing to do is to move on from someone who is incapable of parenting a child.

OneWithTheForce Sat 14-Jan-17 21:05:26

I think being surrounded by non abusive people who love them is far more conducive to creating a well rounded adult with good mental health than being exposed to a biological parent (male or female) who abuses, manipulates and uses them as a tool to control the other parent.

DearMrDilkington Sat 14-Jan-17 21:06:33

I agree, anyone that will do any damage to a child shouldn't be in a childs life. It's the same with a toxic mother though, not just fathers.

BoiledSprouts Sat 14-Jan-17 21:08:41

A child should always have a relationship with their dad unless he is abusive in some way (including emotional abuse). If a father is toxic then for sure the child is better off nc.

There are plenty of kids with no dad (single mums, gay mums, widows) and they turn out just fine. Any decent bloke (uncle, teacher) can fulfil the male role model bit.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Sat 14-Jan-17 21:08:54

I grew up with a dad and am married but I wholeheartedly believe that having a toxic parent in a child's life is usually worse than having them 'absent'. If they have been abusive to their child's mother it speaks volumes about the kind of father they are. I despair when I read 'he was EA but he's such a good dad' on here.

I'm also sick of hearing tosser useless fathers claim that their ex is 'poisoning the kids against me', 'stopping me from seeing my flesh and blood' etc. How come you never get a bloke saying "well she probably doesn't want me near the kids because im abusive/violent/an alcoholic", they're always saintly good dadz aren't they. And the worse thing is every man and his dog toe that party line and the woman (often a victim of abuse) comes out looking like the bad guy. Every time.

My sympathies OP I hope you get the result you and your children deserve flowers

OneWithTheForce Sat 14-Jan-17 21:09:29

My DC's dad is currently prevented from seeing them by SS. The damage he has done in a few short years will stay with them for life. Quite honestly they would be better off if he fell off the face of the earth tomorrow. I know that sounds bitter and spiteful and perhaps it is but I am wiping the tears, rocking the sobbing child, answering questions I should never have to, and trying to do damage limitation on a constant basis. And that's only the stuff we know about, I have no doubt that his legacy will live on and surface in new and fantastic ways for my babies to try and process as they get older.

BarbarianMum Sat 14-Jan-17 21:11:26

Both fathers and identity are important, of course they are. That doesn't mean that a child should pay any price for them though.

DearMrDilkington Sat 14-Jan-17 21:13:21

atsea get as much evidence as you can that his abusive. Any texts/emails, anything his put on social media and anything you can get that will show everyone what his like.

Don't give up, once he knows you won't back down he'll probably sulk off and look for his next victim.

user1484226561 Sat 14-Jan-17 21:16:43

YADNBU you make your own identity in life, genetics are not particularly relevant. - however there is a huge industry heavily invested in pushing the "identity" thing, largely to people to inadequate to make their own.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 14-Jan-17 21:26:33

They are important but not more important than the children themselves

MrsLyons Sat 14-Jan-17 21:29:08

I have seen my Dad once (when I was 12 years old) since I was 6 weeks old.

It has had absolutely no impact on my sense of identity. I know exactly who I am and where I've come from and I have a strong 'sense of self'.

Cherrysoup Sat 14-Jan-17 21:30:52

I think it's far better to not have abusive, be it physically or emotionally, people round children, even if it is a parent.

EatSpamAmandaLamb Sat 14-Jan-17 21:32:03

I really feel for you OP. Have your children been to counselling after being in an abusive environment? I know my friend who is in your position had the children's counsellor write a letter for her, along with her GP that they feared for their mental wellbeing should they be exposed to their father. Could that be an option if SS continue to force the matter?

MrsLyons Sat 14-Jan-17 21:32:08

And 'relationship with father' doesn't mean having to see them face to face.

(Currently trying to support my adopted children's identities by increasing written contact with their birth parents in the face of SW opposition. You couldn't make it up, could you?).

DJBaggySmalls Sat 14-Jan-17 21:32:16

Children need positive role models and protecting from abuse. Any good psychiatrist should be able to refute their claim.

ClaryIsTheBest Sat 14-Jan-17 21:34:23

Imo children needs people that love the child and the parent. Or at least one person like that.

A father? A mother? I don't think the gender of the parent matters all that much, tbh.

I do think children should have male and female role models (be that aunts, uncles, godparents...). But these role models don't have to be a mother or a father. I hope I'm making sense ;)

AtSea1979 Sat 14-Jan-17 21:35:41

TheForce I'm wiping the tears and holding the rocking except I'm told there's no enough evidence so the nightmare continues.

gillybeanz Sat 14-Jan-17 21:42:23

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you need to fight for what you think best for your children.
They need good role models, not just or even both parents.
People in their life who care for them, look out for them and want the best for them.
A father is only any good if he is a good role model to his child, much better to be absent than harm the mh of the child.

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