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To be at my wits end. Toileting issues

(27 Posts)
Timeforausernamechange Fri 13-Jan-17 16:52:55

DD is 3 and 4 months. Today she wet herself 6 times. We have been potty training since before Christmas 2015. Last summer we thought she had got the hang of it. She was mostly dry with just occasional accidents etc.

She relapsed massively when she started nursery but with lots of support (at home and at nursery, with stickers, treats etc) she was managing much better. But since Christmas it's been awful. We have seen the GP and the health visitor and they believe that, because she can do it sometimes, it's not a physical issue.

Mostly we try hard to celebrate the positives and ignore the accidents but it's getting to me and I have got cross with her today. She has told me that "it's easier" to wet than to go to the loo. Yesterday she said she wanted nappies like her brother 14months.

Nursery (schoolbased) have been pretty patient with it up to now - sometimes she is wetting 2-3 times in a 3 hour session. Her teacher today was very fed up about it and said she is just being lazy - which I can't disagree with.

Any ideas or suggestions?

HelsBels5000 Fri 13-Jan-17 16:56:19

Following.... I have a similarly disinterested DS. I've given up and gone back to nappies bad parent

Dizzywizz Fri 13-Jan-17 16:56:32

We 'potty trained' ds at 2years3months. He did really well at first then after about 5-6 months he just started being rubbish. Well, some days no accidents but some days 6x etc like you are having. No advice really just sympathies - ds is now 4.5 and STILL has accidents some days! He is at school!

Some days he will have none but I still have to sniff his school trousers to see if he had any accidents! It is so frustrating.

Ds2 (2.4) is now wanting to use the toilet but I am dreading potty training.

juneau Fri 13-Jan-17 17:01:24

I think it's pretty common for 3-year-olds to be like this. DS2 was potty trained for his third birthday, but we had masses of accidents for about six months after that and it took until he started school for him to be reliably dry all day. I persevered, but some days it was really demoralising and I struggled not to lose my temper. He's now 5.8 years old and still in pull-ups at night, so I think for him its a physical issue as much as anything else. Do what works for you - and if that's pull-ups then don't beat yourself up. She WILL be dry eventually, but some DC really take their time.

MatildaTheCat Fri 13-Jan-17 17:12:14

Pull ups. She'll soon change her mind. At her age she won't want to look like a baby in front of her nursery friends for long. Also unfair on the teachers.

Timeforausernamechange Fri 13-Jan-17 17:17:11

I did suggest she go in pull ups before but the nursery said to persevere...

bumsexatthebingo Fri 13-Jan-17 18:16:18

I'd get her checked out for anything physical. Things like water infections can come and go so she could be consistently using the loo for a while then unable to.
If you're sure it's laziness I would firstly make sure it is more hassle for her to wee herself than to use the loo. So it should be her that takes her stuff to the washing machine, cleans herself up, finds clean clothes and gets herself dressed as much as she's able and if she moans remind her it would be much quicker to use the loo. I'd also find a reward for dry days that she would really love but doesn't cost the earth so some cheap trinkets for a lucky dip, staying up an extra 15 mins or whatever you think will appeal to her. Worked for my 2 and they were both dry day and night by 3 including one child with sn. Good luck!

bumsexatthebingo Fri 13-Jan-17 18:18:29

Also I would see what the nursery do when she wets. If they whip the wet stuff off and clean her and dress her it quite possibly is easier for her to wee herself!

cestlavielife Fri 13-Jan-17 18:19:26

Maybe she jealous of the gets to stay home with you ?
If it'd behavioural then thereis a reason.
Does s he go to any fun activities her brother can't do because tooyoung?

Ilovecaindingle Fri 13-Jan-17 18:20:43

I would be 'bigging up,' being a big sis. Sounds like maybe in her eyes little Bro is becoming a bit too interesting to everyone so if she was little again she might get more of a look in! If she is at nursery she will realise he has you all to himself!! And that's a no no!! Maybe a 'girls' shopping trip for new pants maybe? Ob little Bro will be too little to go etc.

hanban89 Fri 13-Jan-17 18:21:52

A nurse friend of mine had to take her son to a urologist, who thinks we potty train far too early and he thinks we should keep them longer in nappies and it's bad that nurseries pressure parents. Apparently he said if her DS was still having problems at 5 to go back.
Do you not want to go back to pull ups? Maybe could try that and see if she doesn't enjoy it as it might tempt her back to being dry.

Stripeyblanket Fri 13-Jan-17 18:22:06

I read someone on here (I think) bought some pretty pants (with cartoons on) for their DC when potty training and they soon learned that if they had an accident they had to throw them away (washable or not) which in turn then meant they wanted to keep the pants so started alerting more. I appreciate that was for poo situations but something like that might work in this instance?

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO Fri 13-Jan-17 18:24:49

well mine was four when trained and we have a few episodes but I think all experts I have heard recently have said a small tiny child who is still wetting frequently is simply not ready, so i would look it up yourself - see what the experts say and put her back in pull ups.

I wouldnt talk about it or mention it or draw attention to it, simply do it - and as long as she accepts them....just go back to them for a good few weeks, then try again.

NuffSaidSam Fri 13-Jan-17 18:24:54

You need to make it more effort for her to wet than go to the loo.

Don't punish her, but make her face the natural consequences of wetting. So she needs to take off her wet things and put them in the wash, go to her bedroom and get clean things out, put them on and then come back and wipe up the mess she's made on the floor/carpet/sofa.

If she's just lazy she'll go for the easier and quicker option of using the loo.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO Fri 13-Jan-17 18:26:20

sorry just read Hans posts, This is exactly what I have been hearing too - ignore the nursery they are not wetting specialists. People get a right bee in their bonnet about their dc being trained and it annoys me, ( not you op) relax, go back to pull ups and dont talk about it and make it a thing

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO Fri 13-Jan-17 18:27:14

I also really dislike terms of laziness coming into it too. She is 3 for goodness sake. Is it her fault if she has been trained before she is ready?

Enidblyton1 Fri 13-Jan-17 18:29:40

Does she seem at all bothered by her knickers being wet? Agree with pp that maybe try not changing her wet clothes immediately.
My DD (not quite 3) is potty trained but has the occasional accident when she can't be bothered to go to the loo. If I want an accident free day I shamelessly bribe her to go to the loo every couple of hours by offering a chocolate button or sweet. It seems to work, but I'm hoping to wean her off them soon!

bumsexatthebingo Fri 13-Jan-17 18:35:40

Laziness is maybe not the right word but some kids do get involved in their play and don't want to break off. If the nursery staff are cleaning her up and dressing her after accidents it may ell be that she's just a bright child who has worked out how to keep on playing! And at 3 they don't tend to have the social embarrassment element of wetting - that comes when they start school.

Gatehouse77 Fri 13-Jan-17 18:40:42

I was like this as a child and so was my youngest. I have been diagnosed with an overactive bladder and am on medication. I believe that my daughter has the same issue although the GP doesn't.
That said, we have a new GP now so may try them...

Fluckle Fri 13-Jan-17 18:51:45

DD was exactly the same. Potty trained fine at 2.5, little brother came along, and by 3.5 she was having up to 6 wetting episodes a day. I begged, pleaded, shouted, cajoled, bribed, cried and ignored. Nothing worked. Saw doctors, nursery staff, pre school staff, all of whom stuck their two pence worth in. No difference. After I went into doctors and begged for help they finally ran some tests. She was having recurrent UTIs and had an overactive bladder, and one exacerbated the other and she had no control. We saw a paediatric urologist, and it took some time but it got sorted.

So yes, it could be a strong willed young lady wanting attention, but it could also be something more complicated. Get a wee sample to to the doctors and get it checked. Even if it's not that there should be a local department to help with child continence issue (sometimes it's linked to constipation and bowel issues). Rule the big things out rather than listen to people who think it's just laziness.

Yura Sat 14-Jan-17 17:27:47

If its not a bladder issue, but laziness i would go with cheap, bulky nappies (for motivation), not the easy and pretty pullups!
but make sure she is checked out first!

Timeforausernamechange Mon 16-Jan-17 07:40:29

Thanks everyone.

After Friday, DD was trying really hard over the weekend. A completely dry day on Saturday, which included a 2 hour car journey to The DGPs. We'd put her in a pull up for this 'just in case' but she managed without. Sunday she was dry until a trip to the park in the afternoon. Which is more normal for her and not a worry.

Spent a lot of time trying to work out what's happening (DD has speech delay so it's hard for her to explain exactly what's the matter). Looking at it carefully and rationally now, she was over tired by the end of last week. She is also upset that DS has now started at the childminder. She get upset if I call her my 'big girl' and tells me she is my 'little girl' instead. she finds a whole week at nursery hard (she is the youngest in the class) - although she loves it too. DD used to go to the childminder until she started nursery and adores the childminder.

So I think it's partly feeling that her brother is getting to go to 'her' child minder and being over tired. I extended DS hours at the childminder this week so DD and I could go swimming together... but that seems to have made her more tired?

Perhaps if I make a thing of DS being too little for fun stuff that might work better than trying to big up her big sister role? We've got a quiet week planned and see where we go.

TathitiPete Mon 16-Jan-17 09:57:26

Perhaps if I make a thing of DS being too little for fun stuff that might work better

I think that sounds like a good idea.

MiaowTheCat Mon 16-Jan-17 10:16:39

She sounds EXACTLY like DD2! Right down to the speech delay as well (and the lazy streak - like it or not, DD2 has a bone idle streak - she'll grab onto my leg to get me to pull her up hills, does half the pool leg kicking in swimming and then gives up and wants her teacher to pull her the rest etc). She's 3 years 10 months now and I'd say it's only now-ish that it's really beginning to click.. touch wood!

Incentives worked to limited effect - once she no longer deemed the reward suitable she just went back to going in her pants again. The lure of a big girl scooter dangled worked better than most stuff, and her nursery keyworker clicked onto the Paw Patrol obsession and bought an advent calendar and let her have a chocolate every session she stayed clean and dry.

What worked a bit for us (prepare to be bashed here for being "negative") was that instead of her getting a jelly bean every time she went to the loo (the little cherub was eeking wees out a drop at a time to maximise jelly bean profits - she's not daft my youngest!) was that we popped them in a jar for her to have at the end of the day, and she could lose them a few at a time if she messed her pants (obviously we were quite lenient with this and it was messing without even trying to go or similar) - she got them toward the end of the day after her tea. That started to hit home the fact that pants are not an option for going in indefinitely, and we managed to be going through Tesco at the time where they had no stock of her nappy size in (praise be for our Tesco's lousy stock situation) so I could physically show her that "look, you need number 6 nappies and there aren't any there anymore - there's no more nappies mum can buy so it's definitely pants time now".

Taken a bloody long time but that's starting to get there now - I'd say it was only over Christmas though that she really did click it and we managed to move from me reminding her to go to her telling us she needed to go and now we're at the level of about a "normal" number of accidents (the odd pair of soggies coming back from nursery). I do get where you're at with being at your wits end though - I was there a few months ago! It's very much been 2 steps forward, 1 step back with DD2 as well - you'll think you're getting there and then it'll slip back again and so on.

We'd had medical stuff ruled out - DD2 is just terrifyingly stubborn and strong willed!

Amber76 Mon 16-Jan-17 10:37:46

Can I ask how she is with poo? My ds is 3 and a half - he is okay with wee but insists on having a nappy for poo. He'll do it straightaway and then the undies go back on. No amount of bribery will work. I think he understands the mechanics of it but just doesn't want to do it. Anyone else have this problem?

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