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Zips are wankers

(67 Posts)
FishChipsAndBeans Fri 13-Jan-17 13:42:47

I'm 45 years old and I can't do up the fuckers. I can use zips if I'm not wearing the item of clothing, but that's not hugely helpful as I tend to want to wear my clothes.

Just had a big stroppy tantrum with my lovely new warm coat that I can't actually zip up.

I'm not being unreasonable. Zips are wankers.

Dieu Fri 13-Jan-17 13:44:53

Earphones are wankers. I get the rage whenever they catch on something, and are yanked out of my ears.

FishChipsAndBeans Fri 13-Jan-17 13:48:14

Yes agree. Earphones are wankers too.

Wanker list:

ofshoes Fri 13-Jan-17 13:50:30

Get back to me when you've caught your genitals in one. It's a deeply unhappy moment

FishChipsAndBeans Fri 13-Jan-17 13:53:12

Of shoes, ouch blush

I won't add genitals to my wanker list.

ofshoes Fri 13-Jan-17 13:57:33

Well strictly speaking you could and it would be a fairly appropriate use of the word! Maybe not after a zip mishap though

ipswichwitch Fri 13-Jan-17 13:58:17

I'll add cardigan pockets. Every time I set foot in the kitchen, without fail, one will get itself looped on the drawer handle. I'll walk off, oblivious, until I get rudely yanked back across the kitchen. I'm sure my cardigans are conspiring to kill me.

samG76 Fri 13-Jan-17 13:58:39

of shoes - ooof! That's not something I'd considered, though come to think of it DH does insist on buy jeans with buttons! I'm trying not to visualise how this might happen....

ipswichwitch Fri 13-Jan-17 13:58:51

Arf at genitals on wanker list grin

queenc81 Fri 13-Jan-17 13:59:16

Zips are wankers, as are the tiny stupid buttons on baby clothes which I can't sodding do up. I actually bit 3 off like a wild animal in a tantrum this morning. I have a newborn who doesn't sleep, that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it grin

Maudlinmaud Fri 13-Jan-17 14:03:41

Could you add duvet poppers to the list. I never seem to get them lined up properly and they won't close. Argh!
I knew someone with a scar on their willy, they had an unfortunate accident with a zip, like in There's something about Mary.

FishChipsAndBeans Fri 13-Jan-17 14:06:51

Wanker list
Cardigan pockets
Stupid tiny buttons
Duvet poppers

We're just surrounded by wankers.

Willow2016 Fri 13-Jan-17 16:32:42

I am older than you 'Fish' and still cant get fecking zips to do what they are supposed to do first time! Hate them with a passion, especially on kids coats, OMG trying to do it from the front, back, standing on my head gradually losing the will to live and thinking that they wont die of cold from the house to the car!

Buttons on duvets... they look lovely but they are such a pain to do up and then open up again... I always end up cursing myself for getting them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Fri 13-Jan-17 16:35:30

Duvets and pillows can be wankers. My duvet crawls away, inside the cover, so it is all on dh's side of the bed, and I'm just covered with the cover - fine in summer, a tad chilly right now.

My pillows will behave for days on end, and then turn into something filled with rocks that I cannot get comfortable on.

NancyDonahue Fri 13-Jan-17 17:25:49

A candle rubbed up and down a zip can make it less of a wanker.

No ideas for the rest of the list though but can I add my socks that keep sliding down into my boots as I'm walking? Total arsehole wankers.

Lostpangolin Fri 13-Jan-17 17:32:14

A pencil rubbed over the teeth of a zip helps them run smoother.
Y-fronts that your todger keeps escaping from are wankers too. Walking along, minding your own business and the bastard suddenly decides to go for a wander.

daisygirlmac Fri 13-Jan-17 17:35:27

Bras. In general and specifically the stupid hooks. I still can't do one up without having the hooks at the front then turning it round once I've fastened it and it's just a bloody delight if I'm at all sweaty or damp from the shower angry

YerDaSellsAvon Fri 13-Jan-17 17:45:27

Tights. Even as a skinny child I'd be hoiking them up every 3 metres or so. Now as a portly female adult I'm still hoiking them up. Wankers.

FishChipsAndBeans Fri 13-Jan-17 17:50:54

It's the initial mechanism of zips specifically that's wanky. The bit at the bottom of the zip in two pieces that you have to get the fiddly thing into. I can just about manage to get the fiddly thing into the top piece, but then it will never connect with the bottom piece to enable me to zip it up.

(Sorry for the lack of proper named zip parts.)

Agree, bras are also wankers. I can't comment on y fronts but I'll add them to the list.

KurriKurri Fri 13-Jan-17 17:56:06

I was looking at a rucksack for sale in a shop the other day and the zip refused to budge then suddenly leapt into action taking a chunk of my finger with it. Absolute fucker of a thing.

I would add the wrapping on fake cheese slices as a wanker. Whatever your opinion of fake cheese, it is wrapped so tightly and closely in thin film, that you can't see any way of unwrapping it. So you pull and tear at it, watching the cheese slice turn to a crumbled mess inside the film.
Then when you have nearly abandoned the whole enterprise it unexpectedly opens with ease, the cheese flops out and welds itself to the kitchen floor. Total. Wanker.

VerbenaGirl Fri 13-Jan-17 18:25:58

Tights. The bastards.

hefzi Fri 13-Jan-17 19:25:32

pangolin I love you grin

Those rigid plastic cases welded together are also wankers. They make you take a knife to them to get your widget out, and then make your knife slip so that it slices your finger. First class wankery angry

ExcuseMyEyebrows Fri 13-Jan-17 19:32:11

grin at wandering todgers.

Velcro is a big wanker - I have velcro on one of my coats and it always catches on my hair, my scarf and my jumper.

harderandharder2breathe Fri 13-Jan-17 19:39:36

Bras are definitely wankers. My only white bra currently has the wire exposed under the boob. My boobs are extremely large and I can't imagine it'll be comfy to wear like this. I don't want to buy a new one as I'm currently trying to lose weight to shrink the buggers (and other reasons)

LostMyDotBrain Fri 13-Jan-17 19:45:29

Stabby underwires are definitely wankers. I can't decide if it's worse to be stabbed in the chest or the armpit but it's definitely embarrassing to have shop assistants call your attention to the fact that you've got 3 inches of underwire poking through your jumper.

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