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To have a break from family until my bp comes down

(24 Posts)
Orangesainsburys Fri 13-Jan-17 10:28:41

Briefly...

Recently diagnosed with hypertension, 200 over 130 and off work at the moment. Diagnosed through a routine eye test.

Family situation is parents divorced.

Mother remarried 20 years ago and my stepfather has dementia now and she finds it very difficult. Drinks a lot, shouts at him as he doesn't know names of things anymore and won't stop eating.

Father has a new partner, and has recently been diagnosed with terminal illness. Mother encouraged I suppose me to think my father was a bad person when she split up so we were estranged until recently. Mother is now not that happy that I am in touch with him and do things for him as she thinks he is a user and out for what he can get.

2 brothers who both have young families and don't have that much time. I don't have my own family so tend to spend a lot of time with my mother doing things to cheer her up.

Recently I've started to get resentful at the way she talks about my father and I have snapped several times. (Wishes he were dead etc)

This has made my brothers angry and they send text messages telling me I am a bad person and need therapy. The thing is they are not the ones who stay often with mother and stepfather and try and help.

I've got to stage where I know bp has to come down and my family just upset me and whatever I do for them I a man labelled as not doing enough.

Sorry for the whingefest, I am thinking of doing mindfulness and having a few months break from them whilst I get back on to an even keel but feel so dreadfully guilty.

ChasedByBees Fri 13-Jan-17 10:36:26

Did you want a break from all your family or just your mother's side? It does all sound very stressful.

Has your DF been diagnosed wth a terminal illness or his partner? How is your relationship with him now, is he pleased you're in touch?

You are not a bad person. Your brothers are being very unreasonable and I'm not surprised you need a break from them. If your health is suffering you need to put yourself first.

HardofCleaning Fri 13-Jan-17 10:36:37

YANBU. Your DB's sound VU to send you texts like that especially when they'e not the ones putting the time in.

Orangesainsburys Fri 13-Jan-17 10:42:39

It's my father who has been diagnosed. Yes he is very pleased we are in touch again and I get on well with his partner.

My mother relies on me quite a bit and is not happy that I get on well with my fathers partner nor that I do a lot for my dad now.

I feel so quilty as I know my mum is stressed out but I do feel after a few sleepless nights I need space.

One brother texted a few days ago after I had snapped at my mum and told me he was encouraging her to cut me off completely.

In a way I was relieved, then mum started texting saying I was breaking her heart etc and she was making a will as she thinks she will be gone soon through stress.

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Jan-17 10:48:11

Let them all look after themselves for a bit indefinitely
Time fit your brothers to step up a little?
Until your BP comes under control a bit more, you're potentially risking your health getting involved in all this.

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Jan-17 10:48:52

What a bunch of manipulators!

Orangesainsburys Fri 13-Jan-17 10:57:39

I sometimes think that then I feel bad for thinking it, god knows.

When I realised I was relieved that my brother was encouraging my mum to cut me off I realised how weird whole situation was.

Then mums texts saying how she knew nothing about it and that her life is sad enough without me wanting space etc left me feeling wretched

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Jan-17 11:00:04

There's something called FOG; fear, obligation and guilt. It happens in weird family setups, and people talk about it a lot on the relationship board. I'll see if I can find a good link

Wigbert Fri 13-Jan-17 11:00:47

Tell them that you are ill and off work and you won't be around that much as you need to rest. Then stay away from them until you feel up to seeing them again (if ever!).

They sound draining and not particularly nice. If they weren't family would you want to spend time with them?

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Jan-17 11:01:31

Have a look at this thread;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749701-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Birdsgottafly Fri 13-Jan-17 11:02:31

It sounds as though your Mum needs help and your SD, possibly protection, if her drinking and aggressive behaviour continues.

I'd go low contact, but I would be phoning Adult Services, or getting in touch with the Team/Consultant who your SD is under.

Orangesainsburys Fri 13-Jan-17 11:03:22

Thanks I will have a look at that.

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Jan-17 11:05:08

Another link, just to see if anything resonates with you;

bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Orangesainsburys Fri 13-Jan-17 11:05:42

The stepfather thing is awful, I know it's not easy living with someone who has dementia though.

Is it normal for their carers to get aggressive towards them?

Orangesainsburys Fri 13-Jan-17 11:06:40

Thanks for links, I will make a hot chocolate and start reading

DailyFail1 Fri 13-Jan-17 11:07:07

Tell them the truth. That you have high bp due to all the stress and need a break. Let your lazy brothers handle your mum.

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Jan-17 11:08:27

Is it normal for their carers to get aggressive towards them?

It can happen. Your stepfather would count as a vulnerable adult, though. If you feel up to it, I'd advise talking to their local social services department about it.

Strongmummy Fri 13-Jan-17 11:08:55

Think of your own health and go no contact gor a while. I often do this with my lot or else I'd give myself anxiety

Surreyblah Fri 13-Jan-17 11:11:58

Sounds like a good plan to take a break, from your DM in particular, and your brothers too since they are saying horrible things to you, and take care of your health. Then think about your "boundaries" with them.

Also consider why your relationship with both your parents, including your DF who hasn't been part of your life for a good while through no fault of yours, now seems to be based on you running around for them.

Your mother shouldn't be behaving like that to your stepfather: she could look into seeking help/change his care arrangements If you are concerned about both their wellbeing you could report concerns to their GP or health visitor.

shillwheeler Fri 13-Jan-17 11:27:56

Couldn't agree more with what Surreyblah says. You need to set some boundaries for your own health. A defined break from all of them sounds like a good idea, then maybe you can negotiate an arrangement that works for all of you (but most importantly, you).

Unless you look after your own health and wellbeing (physical and mental), you won't be in a good place to help others.

ChasedByBees Fri 13-Jan-17 11:37:10

Your brothers sound awful. I would pull back from them and your mum. Your mum doesn't need to know about your relationship with your dad. With your dad, I can imagine you might want to make up for lost time. Ensure you care for yourself, it's a very stressful situation and you are ill too.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 13-Jan-17 11:47:39

Aggression - yes.
I think it's more born out of frustration though.
My dad is in the same situation caring for my DM.
But he's just the best person in the world ever.
He would never get aggressive.
I don't think he knows how to.

But it must be very stressful and very frustrating looking after someone like this.
They don't remember anything.
Ask the same questions over and over again.
Forget the names of simple objects or animals.
It takes a very caring, patient person to do this.

And yes, take a step back from everything.
You'll be no use to anyone if you don't get yourself well again.
Look after YOU!
Then once you've had a break and are better then you can re-evaluate the situation and decide what you want to do.
What YOU want to do.
Not what you think is expected.
Let your DB pick up the slack for a while.

Orangesainsburys Fri 13-Jan-17 21:07:24

Thanks all, I have told DM and one of my brothers that I am taking a few months to focus on health and am withdrawing from drama.
Was planning to take DM away for 10 days in February to give her a break but haven't booked anything yet so I think I will just let slide.
Have blocked other brother on my phone and feeling a little better but sad.

CockacidalManiac Fri 13-Jan-17 21:20:45

Good. Look after yourself.

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