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What do you do when you reach the end of the line with behaviour?

(8 Posts)
raisingwhiteflags Fri 13-Jan-17 10:05:03

Posted here for traffic and NC.
DD has Dyspraxia, sensory and processing issues. I have also questioned if she has aspergers.

Last year we went through a very bad period. She was physically hurting me, pushing, going to kick, throwing things at my face, throwing my stuff, tipping the bin on the floor, trapped me in a room, slammed a door on my arm, lying I had called her names while calling me names as soon as she is told off.

Basically as soon as she has done something wrong she tries to cause an argument and turn what she has done on to me so she's not to blame, telling me she hates me, telling me I'm worthless, she hates me, I don't support her, I don't care for her etc, I do nothing for her I posted on here at the time about it.

She was unhappy at school at the time but is now in a much more supportive environment and loves school mostly but as soon as anything goes wrong at school however minor she explodes at home.

We spoke to the GP and tried to see cahms but were majorly let down and were waiting a year for help and no one helped us. I ended up contacting young minds for help.

Things died down and did improve when she started her periods and new school and things did get better for a while.

However things seem to be started to slip again. She cannot talk to me nicely at all. She does nothing for herself, she refuses to do anything but sit on her backside. If anything happens she doesn't like or I have asked her to help me she kicks off.

I'm utterly worn down by it all and desperate not to go into the previous spiral.

raisingwhiteflags Fri 13-Jan-17 12:26:18

Anyone sad

Stripeyblanket Fri 13-Jan-17 12:47:17

OP it sounds like a very stressful environment for you and it's making you miserable.
I don't know what advice to give. Are there any support groups locally that you can go to? Are you on your own? Have you considered maybe joining a carers group so you can go out and leave your DD with dad or a family member who knows her needs and can just give you a bit more support.

I'd speak to the GP and insist for an urgent referral as the situation sounds like it's heading for breaking point and it's a risk that you could be seriously hurt by your DD. Is she like this with anyone else?

There are centres that will take a self referral for autism - perhaps you could look into one of these and if that's the case as well as the other conditions your DD has, surely your GP will have to listen and help get a new package together to help you deal with your DD complex needs.


maryso Fri 13-Jan-17 12:59:41

You say she has several learning issues. Yet few solutions. Are you able to have her assessed by an educational psychologist? This will spell out to her (and you) what her strengths and challenges are, what works when things get difficult, and what she will get a positive buzz from. You will have a common handle/ language on the bad and good times, and how to move forward together in a productive way.

If she has already been assessed completely, rather than for just exam concessions, and she is fully aware of coping strategies, teen hormones and peer pressure can be very incendiary indeed. CBT can be helpful for anxiety type issues. You will get very little by way of helpful suggestions online because treatment is typically contextual and can involve all of her world, including other family members and school.

Sadly CAMHS and school assessments have never been a solution for anyone I know, too late and almost always too little seems to be most people's experiences. As you know, while you are waiting, your world continues to fall apart. You also need to look after yourself to help her.

raisingwhiteflags Fri 13-Jan-17 13:16:15

She was diagnosed with the Dyspraxia and sensory issues in primary school age by a specialist consultant and discharged in the same appointment. No help just here's your diagnoses now off you pop.

She was seen by an ed psych (I think!) in primary school who identified her issues with processing and receptive language in addition to other things.

The consultant years ago said as far as he was concerned she was definitely on the spectrum and while very small we were told she had autistic traits and we have tried to follow that up but been fobbed off.

There is only me now. I get no break since exh left years ago.

I've been back and back to go but camhs are so logged here that children with much more severe needs are waiting months and months

I've tried to find an sn parenting course relevant to older children. I previously worked with children with sn and have qualifications ironically.

toptoe Fri 13-Jan-17 13:21:22

perhaps this site might give you some info on what to do next

toptoe Fri 13-Jan-17 13:23:12

tho just realised they are trying to sell a behaviour prgramme....

maryso Fri 13-Jan-17 13:38:13

A full EP assessment will include a report, detailing each attribute tested, where she is and what will help or exacerbate the related issues. You can use that to understand and adapt. Anything less is not really helpful.
There may also be developmental reflexes that she may be able to address, or at least accept and give herself permission to work around. CBT is probably not helpful with this, unless they have already resulted in anxiety-related behaviour.

Diagnosis can be frustrating without solutions. There are always reasons for the anger that is described, some of them perhaps unexpected or even unwelcome. Unless she works with someone to adapt around those reasons, the problem/s and anger will not go away. Luckily with your SEN training she has good support.

Neither of you have had a break. She will never get a break all her life. Would you both consider a few days' out looking at what her most troublesome issues are, and options to work around them? Something to launch the first steps for an easier future?

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