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To be upset with my best friend.

(13 Posts)
AmoIsNoLongerEmo Thu 12-Jan-17 22:52:53

My friend is having issues with her husband and they got into pretty bad. They are talking about divorce and she texted me saying she doesn't know if it was worth it to get into it like that over something so small. She said she was having anxiety and panicking so I told her to talk to him and tell him exactly how she's feeling, which is exactly what I would do with my husband, which she knows. She said that doing that is weak and pathetic and how a victim would act towards her abuser... I'm upset now because it makes me feel like she has a low thinking of me, like I'm weak and pathetic...

ClopySow Thu 12-Jan-17 22:55:35

She's talking about her, not you. Don't take it personally.

MakeItRain Thu 12-Jan-17 23:08:49

It sounds like she's feeling upset and defensive about the situation she's in. If she's not accepting advice (and there was nothing wrong with your advice) I would revert to just sympathising. E.g. "that sounds really difficult, let me know if there's anything I can do" sort of replies.

MrsDustyBusty Thu 12-Jan-17 23:10:42

She sounds desperate, I'm sure she wasn't thinking about you at all.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 12-Jan-17 23:16:13

How is talking to your partner weak and pathetic and victim like? Facing facts honestly takes strength.
I'd back off a bit.

JenBehavingBadly Thu 12-Jan-17 23:19:51

She's having a stressful shitty time. It's not about you. It's about her.

Maybe he throws anything she says back at her and uses it against her to make her feel like shit. In which case, in her case at least, she's right.

That doesn't mean it's right for you too.

Gooseberryfools Thu 12-Jan-17 23:33:55

Your suggestion was very practical and sensible. It's how loving relationships function

She has high anxiety and panic attacks and so clearly has distorted thinking.

She says it's weak and pathetic and how a victim would behave towards an abuser. But actually maybe she's being particularly defensive as your words hit a sensitive spot. Maybe when she's shared how she's felt previously, he's been quite horrid in return? It's all about her and not about you.

AmoIsNoLongerEmo Fri 13-Jan-17 00:22:39

She said she's envious that I can be open with my husband. So I guess I just over reacted but reading that made me really upset, because she knows how I deal with my husband, I've brought our relationship back from the dead to a pretty decent place now. I also just hate how upset she's been lately dealing with her hubby.

Gooseberryfools Fri 13-Jan-17 06:20:42

It's easier to rubbish an idea then carry it through maybe. Ifshe's anxious and panicky, I wonder if he's very dismissive of her emotions and gets annoyed.

Do you think he's abusive? That was a very odd comment for her to make? Why would she mention victim or abuser? If he is abusive maybe keeping herself to herself is safer emotionally.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Fri 13-Jan-17 06:23:50

I wouldn't take it personally at all.
I would say to her "it takes real courage to be honest about what's going on for you emotionally"
I would encourage her to open up to her DP about her feelings and to tell him that she doesn't want to lose him (if that is indeed the case) but that if her DP doesn't reciprocate her feelings then that would be the time to back away.

WallisFrizz Fri 13-Jan-17 06:24:40

I agree with pp...its a strange way for her to express her dislike of your suggestion and says a lot more about what's going on with her relationship than what she thinks about yours.

Gooseberryfools Fri 13-Jan-17 06:47:27

I agree wallis.

If I said such a thing to my friends, the response would be 'Hes so busy but Thursday night I'll try' or ''his ASD makes it difficult for him to grasp how I feel' or 'he's a bit stressed at the moment and I'm worried about adding to it'

Talk of abusers/victims is a different level.

HardofCleaning Fri 13-Jan-17 06:56:52

I'd agree with past posters, she's stressed and upset. Obviously what she said is bollocks but she's probably just at her limit and doesn't know what to say. I would lay off advice and just offer a comforting ear.

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