Bear with me, there is a long (and possibly boring for others to read) back story here. I have battled with eating and my weight since early in life. Compulsive eating and hiding food since childhood, bingeing, attempted purgeing (not very successful as hate being sick), starvation diets followed by binges, diagnosed with possible Binge Eating Disorder as an adult. I was in denial then and so didn't really accept the label. I was in treatment for other MH diagnoses and eating felt like the least of my disorders tbh. Well, recently I have started taking myself in hand through joining Overeaters Anonymous, a 12 step group similar to AA but for people with food addictions and other EDs.
I am on a plan where I avoid "trigger" foods (foods that make me binge) like white flour and refined sugar and a few other snacky, salty things like crisps. I am making progress and working with a good OA sponsor and attending a weekly meeting. I have a sister who I love dearly and she has been generally very suppportive of OA and what I'm doing. But...
Through no fault of her own my sister is obsessed with calories. She is slim but believes herself to be fat. She does not starve herself but is very obsessive. I try and understand she has a problem too and it isn't her fault. The other day she was staying over my house for a sleepover. When we were having breakfast she got up to make herself wholemeal granary toast on my grill and said "do you want some?" I said "not this morning, thanks." She said "oh, good girl." (I really doon't like when she makes comments like that but I told myself to suck it up. Then I got a second bowl of a healthy non-sugar cereal. Only to be given a lecture by my sister "when are you going to cut down on portion sizes? etc" This was all I had eaten that morning btw. Sometimes I have fruit or an egg as well as cereal but didn't that day. I told her "Look, please don't police what I eat. I am working on portion sizes and my sponsor is helping me reduce gradually. In gth epast I'd have had 4 bowls of cereal, 4 slices of buttered toast, 4 scrambled eggs etc and then 3 bars of chocolate and a bacon sandwich at 11am! I have come a long way!" She got a bit huffy. We are both Christians and we prayed together that morning "God please help Pretty take Holy Spirit led advice about eating." I felt a bit miffed again but said nothing . I later apologised by text that day and said "I already have a sponsor. Please don't talk about food like that in front of me- it upsets me." she was very fine about it. She really is lovely just a bit "bossy" as she older than me. Anyway, today I texted her a comment on how thin I was getting and she phoned me saying "You are doing really well! Of course, you know what you need to do now...." yep. She was off on portion control again. So i repeated what I felt. I have been in therapy long term for Borderline PD and trauma issues to do with being abused by our DF. My sis also was abused by him and I know she struggles with it. I have been learning assertiveness skills about boundary setting without being aggressive or passive. So i simply repeated it. She starts getting defensive and when I tried to explain/justify how I felt to her she started getting upset saying "please don't yell at me" and hung up thye phone. I wasn't yelling. I do have a loud voice and was in a crowded place.
The trouble is, this kind of thing isn't a pattern. When she says something that makes me feel got at she immediately goes on the "But you're getting at ME!!" and slams off in a huff. She shares my Christian faith but she is very big on rules and regulations eg she works and tithes money . I am on benefits so I give when I can . She often lectures me about tithing and things. When I tell her that I am struggling just to get through each day (I am physically disabled with Dystonia as well as other things) even when I say it gently (I admit I haven;t always been patient and gentle in the past) she goes into "You're getting at me!" mode with big sad eyes.
I realise she is sensitive and raw as one of the things our DF used to control us when we were young was our weight and food- shaming and humiliating us. Also he used the Bible to shame us at times. I have gone through episodes where I would have morbid fears of going to Hell for not tithing or being a glutton etc and I actually became quite suicidal over it and my OCD/BPD issues were exacerbated majorly until I was at crisis point. I am past that part, Thank God, but when she implies I am not a good Christian or she nags me about things I actually feel myself being triggered. I know triggered is a big word to use but my therapist says I have complex trauma and my intense anger and fear and insecurity when someone is critical of me is a part of that. In past I used to cut myself when my sister or others made comments like this.
I don't believe my sister is a bully- she is very kind to me and in past when I was very ill, I wasn't always kind and gentle to her- I would lash out in anger at her etc. So I accept I''m not whiter than white.
I just feel like I'm NEVER good enough for her. Invalidated. Like my progess is always "Well done, but....." Reminds me of my DF and some of the churches I used to go to before I developed a spine. She says she acknowledges that DF abused me too (she witnessed a lot of it) but I don't think she saw the way he used to humiliate me about my weight and be violent to me when she wasn't around. I sometimes feel like when she talks to me about our DF's abuse that she doesn't really get that it was that bad for me. She has often hinted that if I trusted God more my health issues wouldn't be as bad. Like DF, although he would flat out say I was faking them etc. My sister knows I am unwell, I just think she expects me to be better than I am. What bothers me is when she does the "you're getting at me! stop!" thing. When all I am doing is justifying or explaining why I feel the way I do???? She is not manipulative. I honestly believe she does feel things very deeply and is sensitive. But so am I, and that is why I feel the need to explain because being misunderstood hurts me a lot. I went through a lot of scapegoating from DF and also at school from my peers for many years. At risk of sounding self pitying I feel I have been misunderstood and rejected a lot.
A way in which I don't help myself is that when I was younger (like older child and teenage) I was very uncomfortable around people and shy. But I covered it up and was often told I came across as haughty, proud and condescending. Also my shyness didn't make me quiet- I could be blunt at times. Not so much out of malice but because I am very black and white (a spade is a spade type of thing). I think it is my Northern English roots although I was brought up in the Westcountry, and I have a reputation for being intense, obsessive and defensive. My sister on th eother hand is outwardly sensitive and considerate of others. She was insecure but sociable, not hiding away from people like me. So I am seen by others as a narcissistic bully and she the sensitive one?
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AIBU?
AIBU to think I'm not a bully for being reacting like this?
26 replies
PrettyLittleGuinea · 12/01/2017 20:04
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