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AIBU to ask for my money back?

(65 Posts)
LeahRose09 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:05:26

Sorry bit of a long story but here goes!

Just before Xmas, I gave a friend of mine some money so she could buy her kid some Xmas presents. I told her that it was OK for her to pay me back after Xmas as she's paid on the 7th of every month.
Anyway, I asked her this week if she can pay me back and she said she had no money. Now I know she does as she's always buying new things and going out every weekend, the weekend just gone she bragged how she spent £100 on a new dress for date.
After I asked her for the money back, she said that she doesn't have to pay me back because I gave her the money for her kid and not for her, and I shouldn't stress her out because she has depression.
She knows I'm struggling because she helped me bring back food from the food bank on Monday, and since my partner passed last year she knows how hard everything has been for me.
I've borrowed money to her before and she's always paid me back so I don't understand why she's being the way she is.
Was I being unreasonable? I feel really bad that I've upset her and if her depression is as bad as she says, I feel awful if I've made it worse. Another part of me is just desperate for the money because I'm on my arse right now.

LIZS Thu 12-Jan-17 16:07:09

Yanbu but tbh you were daft to lend to such a flaky "friend". She will always have something more urgent than paying you back. Was it much money!

user1477282676 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:07:33

I'm afraid you've learned a hard lesson here. Never loan money you can't afford to give as a gift.

What on earth were you doing? You're lacking so much that you're visiting food banks and then you're lending people money?

I'd write it off and ditch her as a friend. She's not a friend.

Ohdearducks Thu 12-Jan-17 16:08:21

She agreed to pay you back, she can't just change her mind now. Using her depression to guilt trip you is absolutely disgusting behaviour.
YANBU

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 12-Jan-17 16:09:20

YABU - you lent her the money so she could buy her child some presents. You did not buy the child the presents nor did you give her the money.

She is trying to emotionally blackmail you/guilt trip you. As you say she is spending money on luxuries for herself (or maybe adding them to her credit card). I am afraid you are going to have to be tough. Tell her you cannot afford to live yourself without the repayment and ask that she contact you with a repayment plan as to how she intends to repay you. Remind her that you are feeding your family from the foodbank.

In future do not lend anything to her - no matter how desperate she is - unless you can afford to never have the money given back to yo.u

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 12-Jan-17 16:09:42

oops I meant YANBU not YABU of course!!!

user1484226561 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:09:44

text her now and ask for the date by which you can expect your money returned

lastqueenofscotland Thu 12-Jan-17 16:10:16

If you can't afford to lose money you shouldn't lend it.

user892 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:15:42

Oh my gosh, she's not your friend and she's absolutely taking the piss. It's also really fucking awful for her to use depression as an excuse - really it is. You don't need to feel bad for her.

I'd tell her that you need it by X date otherwise you'll be seeking advice. The friendship is dead I'm afraid x

LeahRose09 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:22:45

Sorry forgot to add that at the time I'd just been paid ESA so on the day, I was able to give it to her. I just felt awful that her kid wouldn't have any Christmas presents and she's always paid me back before so I didn't see it as a problem. Now my ESA stopped at the beginning of the year as I failed the medical, I am doing a mandatory reconsideration and appeal if it gets that far

ShatnersWig Thu 12-Jan-17 16:23:54

She is a bitch of the first order. It is nothing to with depression. She's just a nasty piece of work. You won't see that money again.

Don't EVER lend people money, no matter what the sob story, unless you can afford to write it off. And quite clearly, you can't and shouldn't have loaned it in the first place. It is nice to want to help a friend, but you don't do it unless you can afford to do so. Lesson learned.

LeahRose09 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:24:23

Like you say, probably better to write it off and learn from it

Aquiver Thu 12-Jan-17 16:31:57

No LeahRose - don't be a doormat and just write it off. Do exactly as a previous poster suggested and ask, plain and simple, when you can expect to be repaid. You lent the money, you didn't gift it.

You need to distance yourself and cut this fake friend out of your life - she sounds like a total user.

ShatnersWig Thu 12-Jan-17 16:33:47

Aquiver While obviously the OP can absolutely do that, and should do, at least for some form of closure, she should pretty much expect that said friend will either ignore her, block her, do anything other than pay her. We see it on MN all the time. If by some miracle said friend actually does turn over the leaf, it's a surprising pleasing bonus. But mentally, yeah expect to write it off and the friendship as well.

19lottie82 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:34:02

Write the money off and be glad that the silver lining is your "friend" has shown her true colours.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 12-Jan-17 16:34:56

Take her to the small claims court then dump her.

Aquiver Thu 12-Jan-17 16:36:33

Sadly I suspect you are right Shatner - so frustrating that some people are such shameless abusers of others' generosity (like the OP's) sad

Rafflesway Thu 12-Jan-17 16:38:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InfoFreako Thu 12-Jan-17 16:42:43

As others have written, you shouldn't have given your friend money if you're struggling to make ends meet.

I'd ask her by what date she'll pay you back.

Also I'd consider the future of your relationship with her.

Cheets.

InfoFreako Thu 12-Jan-17 16:43:10

Cheets = Cheers!

kel12345 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:43:44

It's a difficult one but I highly doubt you will get it back. I leant my so called best friend £300 3 years ago and she promised me every penny back. I haven't seen any of it. And I've asked plenty of times.
I'm afraid you may have to let it go

OhSuckItUpDucky Thu 12-Jan-17 16:46:36

Text her and tell her again
The arrangement was that she would pay you back

Chloe84 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:46:54

This woman is a pathetic excuse for a friend. Please ditch her

Letmesleepalready Thu 12-Jan-17 16:47:30

Definitely don't lend it to her again. I have a friend who kept borrowing money and never paid it back on time. So I stopped lending for a while. She asked again recently so I did lend it to her, and surprise, she hasn't paid it back yet. It's a tiny amount this time, but as they say, if you can't be trusted with a small thing, you can't be trusted with a bigger thing.
I would keep chasing it if I were you.

LeahRose09 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:48:03

Thank you for the replies and for making me see I wasn't being unreasonable. She's already ignoring me so I guess I'm not getting it back now.

It was £60 and at the time I was able to afford it as I'd just had my ESA payment, thought I was going to pass my ESA medical, then got the letter saying I'd failed with 0 points (I won my last appeal with 28 points after the DWP gave me 0) on the 3rd of January.

I've lent her money previously and she's always paid me back a few days later so I didn't see it as a problem. I'm just not understanding why now its become a problem paying me back when she's always paid me back previously. I'm wondering if I've done something to her or said something and not realised.

I'm just not going to lend any money to anyone now, lesson learned

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