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Has anyone been in this situation? DP related

(15 Posts)
pinkie1982 Thu 12-Jan-17 13:49:39

Name changed but occasional poster...

I have asked DP to leave due to his drinking/disregard to DS and I/his own mental health issues that he refuses to address.

He has left but adamant he is returning. I have stated that until he has addressed these problems and I see a positive pathway forward for him then I am not letting him come home, not even under discussion. If it takes months then so be it.

I don't think I am being harsh. I have had years of ups and downs and supporting him but now we have DS and he needs to be my priority. DP has family (who he is now staying with) so I haven't cast him alone in the world.

My family think I am doing the right thing...I am not here to ask if you think I am or not but to ask if anyone has been in a similar situation and what you did?

ImperialBlether Thu 12-Jan-17 13:54:10

I suppose the problem is whose name is on the lease/deeds? If you are living in his house, he has every right to return. If you're not, he doesn't.

Ilovecaindingle Thu 12-Jan-17 13:59:40

Legally he can likely walk back in. But morally no. If he has family backing and does want to get well he should seek help and not put you or ds under stress until then. My ex had mh problems and he was offered help but refused to take it. Our marriage broke down as a consequence of him not taking responsibility for himself and causing emotional harm to the kids - until I asked him to leave and did divorce him.

pinkie1982 Thu 12-Jan-17 14:05:25

No, he is saying eventually that's what he wants to do. Sorry, I didn't mean he was coming back when I don't want him to. Both names are on the tenancy.

I was more meaning the whole situation - I know I'm doing right for mine and my sons wellbeing by making this decision. I don't know if we can come back from it, only time and his efforts will tell. He has these 'spells' every few years but refuses to seek help until something drastic happens and he is forced to. He gets depressed, so drinks - it's a vicious circle and he needs to get up and take responsibility, get to the root cause and make some changes.

Sounds like yours Ilovecaindingle

colouringinagain Thu 12-Jan-17 14:12:02

I'm in a v similar position to you OP sad flowers

KnittedBlanketHoles Thu 12-Jan-17 14:15:28

Self medicating I understand. Not trying to get help is selfish. Has he tried to get help and found what's available lacking, or just no attempt to get help?

user1484226561 Thu 12-Jan-17 14:18:36

saying "self medicating" is a pathetic attempt to justify selfish behaviour, because it makes one individual feel better at the expense of everyone else.

I'm sure punching my boss in the face would occasionally make me feel better. Can I justify that as "self-medicating"?

HerOtherHalf Thu 12-Jan-17 14:37:50

Good for you. A tough decision but absolutely the right one. For info, alcohol is a depressant so if he is claiming it's self-medication he's got it arse-about-tit. He's not self-medicating, he's an alcoholic.

pinkie1982 Thu 12-Jan-17 14:52:42

He doesn't handle things well, his emotions, things that just happen in life - things you cant change. His mum being ill, family friend dying, not enjoying his job, not being able to see his other child (all happened in the last few months)...he doesn't focus on positives or try to change things. He wallows in it, doing as PP says, making us miserable, he won't talk about things, choosing to let it eat him up to the point where he can't handle any more and then goes on a 2-3 day bender.

Yes he is selfish, I totally agree.
He is gutted now. Has actually realised what he is throwing away I think. Years ago this would have resulted in a row and stand off but when I told him he needs to grow up and sort out his life and I refuse to keep carrying him, my son is more important, he agreed he left.

Not around my DS...no, no, no.

steppemum Thu 12-Jan-17 15:00:44

pinkie flowers

You know you are doing the right thing, however hard. If you don't draw a line somewhere then you are supporting him in his bad behaviour.
Even when bad behaviour is driven by MH issues, it is perfectly OK to say not, here, not round ds, no, you have to get help.

Lulu1083 Thu 12-Jan-17 15:16:12

My dh, then dp, was a functioning alcoholic after his father died of liver failure due to alcoholism. Weekends only, but he wouldn't stop till he fell down or had run out of cash. Our family cash meant for bills. He would come home drunk and start arguments, be extremely abusive then be sorry and hungover the next day. Not sorry enough not to do it again in a couple of weeks. Sometimes he'd cry or be a loving drunk but they were no better. It got to the point I dreaded his key in the door and I'd go to bed early to avoid him.

I snapped.

One Sunday morning 'sorry' wasn't good enough and I started to pack his bags for him. This had never happened before and he was very shocked. He begged me for one last chance and I told him that if he wanted to stay then it was as a teetotal. The first drink and he was gone, because he'd cut down before. I couldn't live with it anymore. It worked, and I married him after 2 years of him being sober. He still is now.

You need to decide what you want and tell him. If you could see a way to take him back, what would you need him to do? You need to stick to it.

If you don't think that could happen, don't do it. You can't fix him. But you can maintain your boundaries.

Reggiemonkey Thu 12-Jan-17 15:33:25

I'm in a similar situation to you op except we're married and DH refuses to leave.
My advice to you would be to stick to your guns just now and decide what you want in the long run. If/when he gets 'better' it's not up to him to just waltz back into yours and DS's lives as you may not want him to.
I know how you feel, you care about him and want him to get better, but his issues have caused a lot of bad feeling, and your recent break up, so you rightly feel that you are better off without him, for now at least.
I really hope he gets the help he needs and 'recovers'. Good luck flowers

MagicMarkers Thu 12-Jan-17 16:06:25

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/if-you-re-married-or-in-a-civil-partnership-and-you-rent-your-home-relationship-breakdown-and-housing/relationship-breakdown-and-housing-rights-if-you-rent-your-home-jointly-with-your-spouse-or-civil-partner/

pinkie1982 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:29:57

Thanks everyone. We are in regular contact, he just text me to tell me he has a Drs apt tomorrow. Step one of a very long road.

I have told him that I want him to stay away from home for now. We have a pre planned holiday in March. I said I want to reassess then and decide whether we should go together or I go with DS on my own. That gives two months for me to sort out my feelings initially and him to commit to 'something' to better his health/wellbeing and see if it is worth it. I said even if we do get to the point where we go to together it doesn't mean that we will start living together again but may know if there is any hope or not by that stage. It might even be too soon, I've got no idea. I said I don't want to give him any false hope as we might never be together again, at the moment I just know we can't be with him.

Same, Lulu1083 I have never been this way with him. Amazing how having my DS gives me a different perspective

Lulu1083 Thu 12-Jan-17 19:59:10

Massive hugs pinkie xxx

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