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Is it unreasonable for a DP to need separate holidays and home?

(175 Posts)
user1471551792 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:43:07

Hi all, this is my first post. Longtime lurker.

I've been with my DP for 13 months. He lives up north about 250 miles away and we see each other for two or three days about twice a month. Either at his or mine. I have children and he doesn't. I love him very much and it's reciprocal. Our plan is for him to move here and he is job searching. He has also said on numerous occasions that he wants to marry me. He's a decade older than me. He earns a significantly higher salary. He owns his home and I rent. I don't want to move to him as it would drastically reduce my DC's contact with their father, with whom we all have a good relationship.

So, the AIBU. In the short term it is that he has told me this week that he wants to go away for a week, on his own, at Easter for some peace and relaxation. In the long term it is that when he moves here he wants to have his own place even if we marry. That is he has said he will always need his own space. He is adamant that this is not because of the children, but because he would need to step into his ordered life from time to time, for space.

I genuinely don't know if this is unreasonable. It feels...unusual? Odd? And also sort of disconnected. I can't afford to pay for a holiday, at least not equitably. In practical terms I also can't afford to continue paying my rent if we marry, as I will lose tax credits and housing benefit. I work btw. And it just feels "off" to be renting out his house, while we rent one each. It's not exactly the happy ever after...

I'd really welcome opinions. Thanks.

pho3be Thu 12-Jan-17 11:46:06

That sounds ideal for me !

Bityif not for you, you need you discuss that. Tell him you will lose benefits Im sure he wouldn't want to plunge you into debt

luckylucky24 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:46:42

I have heard of married people living apart but it is not for me. Would it work for you?
You only see eachother 3 days a month so I think it is sensible that to start with he gets somewhere of his own and as you spend more time together you will know how compatible you are. Going from 3 days a week to living together s madness.

TheNaze73 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:47:48


Although you've talked, it's only been a year & you are boyfriend & girlfriend. He can (as well as you) do what you like.

If someone wasn't happy with me doing what he is, if I chose to, it'd put me off them

2014newme Thu 12-Jan-17 11:48:00

The holiday is fine, living apart when married isn't.
It seems a bit soon to be talking of marriage it's currently a long distance relationship you would need to see how it works when you are spending more time together but he us already saying that being together all the time would be too much. So no, it doesn't seem like it's happy ever after. I wouldn't rush things if you are happy as things are that's fine.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Thu 12-Jan-17 11:48:41

If you've only been together 13 months, and of that 13 months, only spend a few days toghter every month, moving in together would be a big change.
So separate homes for at least a while after he moves to your area would be sensible.
Long term? a little unusual

IF you marry would all your money be combined? Would his salary make up for your loss of benefits?

Bluntness100 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:50:49

I think you're jumping the gun.

The holiday is fine. He's not proposed yet. Let him move down and get his own place. Then spend time in a more normal relationship, then see where it goes.

Jaysis Thu 12-Jan-17 11:51:03

There seems to be no point in getting married. It's adding nothing to your relationship by the sounds of it, only putting you at a financial disadvantage by losing your CTC & HB income.

What's in it for you?

Why bother getting married if you don't think you could live with that person? It sounds like he has very exact ideas of what a wife is or should be and that does not bode well when someone is expected to live up to that bonkers standard. I'd be concerned he'd be controlling.

Xmasbaby11 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:52:31

I think it's wise that he gets his own place initially. In the long term, that wouldn't be for me. He obviously anticipates he will struggle with being around other people a lot so wants to keep his own place. Wait till he's lived locally for a year and see how it's all going then.

alltouchedout Thu 12-Jan-17 11:54:21

It wouldn't work for me, to be partnered with someone who intended to live separately and take separate holidays. It may work very well indeed for some couples though. I don't think either of you are BU, per se, but that you're incompatible here.

What would your marriage bring you? As someone else has pointed out, a dip in income is inevitable. What benefits would there be to compensate for that?

LagunaBubbles Thu 12-Jan-17 11:54:44

Everyones right its early days but if and when you marry then yes I do think its odd to live separately.

user1471551792 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:54:46

I absolutely think it's right that he would initially have his own place. It's the permanence that seems to signal something off. In both financial and emotional terms.

We were longtime friends for years before we got together. We've been away a couple of times together and have spent as much time together as practically possible, with and without the DCs.

I am genuinely concerned that I'm being controlling.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Thu 12-Jan-17 11:55:48

you do know that lots of married people live separately?

From what i've read it's usually the ones who have been married before and learnt that some essential needs cannot be met if living together.

At the moment, you've only seen each other a handful of times in the 13 months you've been i can understand why he doesn't want to commit like that just yet - esp when there are dc involved.
Maybe he'll feel different in a year or so?

As for the future, he's been honest with you about what he needs.

Part of being an aspie means i HATE having people around me 24/7. I need my own space....and no, a separate room in the house just won't work.

user1471551792 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:56:28

In his proposed set up there would only be financial loss for me if we married.

Elphame Thu 12-Jan-17 11:57:10

He's being honest and up front with you so I don't see the problem. He's not used to living with a young family so a period of adjustment seems very sensible to me.

I too like my own space and often decamp to our second home 4 hours away for a week or so on my own.

My DH is a lot older than me so it is likely I will be a widow in the future - if I was to start a new long term relationship I would also want to keep separate homes

Zarachristmas Thu 12-Jan-17 11:57:57

I don't really understand. Is he talking about moving locally but having his own place near to you? Or is he saying move in with you but have a separate home he pops to when he wants some space?

The latter sounds very odd.

How well do you know this man if you only see him a few times a month? How would it work financially running two homes?

I don't think there's any problem with him taking a holiday alone it's not like you have any joint commitments.

You obviously just need to dread very very carefully before making any decisions that affect your children and your finances.

timeisnotaline Thu 12-Jan-17 11:58:31

The holiday is fine given the relationship stage . The not living together ... by all means continue in a relationship but do not get engaged while this is the plan if it won't work for you (and if you can't afford to keep your place if you get married! ) have you talked about it more concretely? He will be able to distance himself from the marriage whenever he chooses and you won't. What if he also had to sTay at his house every time you said you needed some space, given your space is in your house -would he be equally happy about that? But overall it's too early for this commitment. He can move and you can see how it works seeing each other more often and have more discussions about what the future looks like. When he brings up marriage I'd kindly say I think it's a bit early for that still and we have different expectations of it.

Bluntness100 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:58:32

Then don't marry?

TheStoic Thu 12-Jan-17 11:58:55

He's been upfront with what he wants. It's up to you whether his plans and ideas suit you too.

You'd only be controlling if you tried to force him to do what you want. It doesn't sound like he would let that happen.

Don't marry him, though. You would be worse off if you did.

Zarachristmas Thu 12-Jan-17 12:01:02

Why would you be worse off if you married, I don't quite understand.

Are you saying he'd live with you and you keep receiving bh and wtc?

Rkd808 Thu 12-Jan-17 12:01:29

Living separatly initially actually sounds very sensible, and staying that way is also not necessarily a bad thing (that is unless you decide tI have children together), getting married and living in different houses isn't the norm and it may or may not impact your benefits. If you do get a house together then planning on having a man shed/office for somewhere for him to retreat to may also help him adjust. If he hasn't had children it's a very different lifestyle so he might be trying on making it a situation where he feels he can be comfortable.

user1471551792 Thu 12-Jan-17 12:03:34

Thank you for the feedback.

He said he would spend every night at mine and the other place would house his stuff etc and he could go to for space.

It's not the initial arrangements that bother me. It's this as a permanent measure.

I think marrying is out of the question. He would have his house and a rented place. I'd be still in a rented place but unable to afford the rent!

Zarachristmas Thu 12-Jan-17 12:04:10

It would be sensible for him to get a place nearby so you can have a proper relationship but it would be odd for that to continue once you got married and moved in together.

You'd be financially dependant on him and if you kept your benefits you'd be at risk of benefit fraud.

FormerlyFrikadela01 Thu 12-Jan-17 12:04:18

*you do know that lots of married people live separately?

From what i've read it's usually the ones who have been married before and learnt that some essential needs cannot be met if living together.*

That may be the case for some couples but it certainly isn't the norm and I imagine only works if both parties are on a fairly even keel financially which isn't the case in the OP.

To me the OP reads like the DP wants to maintain one foot out of any future marriage. Ok if you're both in the same page but doesn't sound like you are.

Zarachristmas Thu 12-Jan-17 12:05:39

How would you afford to run two homes? Is he proposing you'd keep your benefits through this arrangements?

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