AIBU to think DP is being a dick(35 Posts)
Ok, it's taken a lot for me to write this so be gentle. And sorry for the long post.
I have a 3mo DS and I couldn't love him any more than I already do but I am struggling.
For the last few weeks I can't stop crying and shouting when it comes to DP. I'm also anxious of bad things happening to me or DS. And I just can't stand DP lately, everything he says just pushes me over the edge. I hit a new low this morning when DP and I took DS for his injections and I sat in the waiting room in tears because DP did something silly (it did not really warrant my response though and public displays are not my thing so I feel silly now).
I can barely look at him and that's why I think I need some perspective.
It's got to the point that I have booked an apt to see my gp. But here's the thing. It took a lot for me to finally tell DP how I am feeling and he just brushed it off and I felt ridiculous for even bringing it up. He said "how could you POSSIBLY be depressed when you've got a beautiful baby?!" Which made me feel like a horrible ungrateful mother.
So I just shut myself in the bedroom and cried. He came in five mins later and said "oh I'll just do all the tidying shall I?" And walked out.
Am I being ridiculous or was he out of order?
That was a shockingly shite thing for him to say. PND is a very real thing and he needs to do some serious research.
Going to your GP is the right thing to do and make sure to be honest with your health visitor too.
Sorry clciked post too soon.
You are not a horrible ungrateful mother
your DP sounds horrible and ungrateful though I think there's a PND section to Talk which may help, there's certainly a mental health one which is very supportive
Of course he was out of order - totally.
It sounds to me like you most certainly are depressed and anxious and you have absolutely done the right thing in making a Dr appt.
The most beautiful baby bit is irrelevant in that it's your hormones that are skewed! And your body just needs some help getting back on an even keel. Your DH obviously needs educating on PND. Your Dr should be able to offer advice on that question too.
Have some . Well done for recognising the problem and acting on it.
can't understand why posters are berating dp , he's not being horrible intentionally, but like a lot of people who have never had depression he doesn't understand what it's like, you have a new baby but that isn't going to make you feel better any more than all the money in the world when you are depressed. nothing but nothing means anything, it's a struggle to even think at times, get dressed, washed etc. nothing gives you joy, it is all a struggle. "pull yourself together" seems to be a favourite, well if you could do that you wouldn't choose to feel miserable would you ?
it's good you are seeing your gp and are taking advice, perhaps dh could go along and listen so he gets a prospective on things.
he'd probably shocked and upset if he really knew what was going on in your head. i personally would not wish it on anyone, i have rapid cycling bipolar so live along side highs and lows all the time.
hope you get the help you need soon and start to feel in a better place in the near future
I'm sorry, that's horrible. I too had exactly the same situation with 'D'P. I had prenatal depression after breaking my leg, and I was constantly told by him I was being 'ridiculous' and 'everyone has shit to deal with' I went on anti depressants and they did help however, they also made me realise that it was him who was worsening my depression.
Is your partner understanding? If he is maybe gently point him in the direction of advice on dealing with OH depression or some research on PND. He might just not understand completely or think that now baby is 3 months old you've missed the PND boat.
Definitely talk to your GP about it; they see so many people in the same boat don't feel ashamed. I sat in my GP's room for 2 hours crying hysterically whilst he made me continuous cups of tea and popped out to see other patients in a different room!
If your partner continues to fail to support you in such a difficult time, you need to sit down and have a think about your relationship.
I used to call that 'the rage'. Had no idea that I had PND, because I thought that meant being depressed, not irrationally angry! I couldn't even look at my husband, without wanting to hit him. It was awful. Your DP needs to do some research on PND, he's being completely unfair, but i think it is likely due to ignorance rather than vindictiveness. Definitely speak to your doctor, and give yourself a break - this is one of those unfortunate side effects of having a baby, but even more unfortunately, it still seems to have a stigma attached to it.
You cant look at him because he is being arrogant and unloving. Your GP or HV needs to give him a sharp talking to. Your hormones are all over the place and you cant just ignore it.
You sound like you have PND, I hope your GP is supportive?
I'd also suspect he doesn't understand, I think your focus should be on getting yourself mentally in a better place and not specifically on him like this.
Thanks for the replies.
He is generally understanding but when it comes to feelings and mental health he just doesn't seem to get it. He's always got annoyed when I get upset. I think because he doesn't outwardly show emotions like this he thinks when I do it that I'm over exaggerating.
I sent him a link to the NHS site but that's made things worse. He just came in and told me he has already researched it and is that what I think of him I.e. that he doesn't care and hasn't bothered to look it up himself.
I love him and we normally get on really well but this has made me feel so horrible. I wish I'd never told him. He thinks it's all ok because he made me a sandwich and gave DS a bottle.
I don't think your DP is awful, I just don't think he understands. You are feeling irrational because of the post natal depression, that's part of it I'm afraid, I sympathise because I have been suffering since dc3 was born in May. Try to talk to him and give him the chance to understand what you're going through.
I think his comment about being depressed with a beautiful baby was a clumsy way to make you feel better, nothing more sinister.
Talk to your GP or health visitor for advice.
DP needs to see someone about his angry outbursts too. It's not like you have to jump when he says jump. Cleaning up is the least of your concerns when you have a new baby at home. Much more important baby is happy and healthy and parents are happy and healthy to sustain being carers 24/7.
"He is generally understanding but when it comes to feelings and mental health he just doesn't seem to get it"
My dear, this statement makes no sense. Someone cannot be 'generally understanding' if they are one sardine short of a can when it comes to anything connected with 'feelings'. It sounds to me like what you are really saying is that "when life is good, he behaves well, but he doesn't have the first clue how to be caring when the chips are down". Which is very different indeed.
Depression is an illness. You wouldn't say to someone "Oh, but you have a million pounds, so you can't possibly have a cold". It would make no sense. Equally, just because you have a wonderful baby whom you love to bits doesn't mean that you can't be depressed. Someone who doesn't understand that has an emotional intelligence roughly comparable to that of a teaspoon.
Your DP sounds like he's really not being emotionally supportive to you as you go through a rough patch. And you're entitled to that support - it's what he's there to provide.
As PPs have said, get yourself to the GP and get some medical advice and help. And get yourself some headspace that is away from him, with people who are supportive, whether that's in mum and baby groups or with friends or elsewhere. I would also tell your friends and family what's going on so that you have their help also.
He just came in and told me he has already researched it and is that what I think of him I.e. that he doesn't care and hasn't bothered to look it up himself
Well he has not researched it or understood it very well to come back at you like that!
You need to speak to the HV and GP and get them to talk to him.
Not understanding is no excuse for being horrible an unsupportive. He IS being horrible.
I had terrible anxiety after ds. I was ROTTEN to dh.
I look back now and see how hard it must have been for him. He only snapped a couple of times and I nearly ltb for it at the time but now I see how awful it must have been for him living with my mood swings. And it was all about me and baby, I never gave him a second thought.
It was an horrible thing to say to you of course but loving with depression and anxiety takes its toll on someone.
to both of you. Get help. Now.
(( OP ))
I had ragey feelings when my youngest wasn't sleeping. I haven't thougth it was PND related but I think actually it might have been. I certainly was struggling.
My DH can find it hard to know how to comfort me sometimes. He isn't particularly emotional, or outward with his feelings and when I'm being vaguely upset he is at a loss. He does care though and wants to help. I know you're just at the start of working this out yourself, but could you try to tell him specifics about what might help you? (eg more time to yourself, having a nap, him taking baby out for a walk etc). Can you take him with you for ::part:: of the GP appointment maybe?
What other support do you have? when DH was out I found I got through by spending as much time as possible with others (my mum, sister, friends with similar aged babies).
I don't think your DP is awful, I just don't think he understands
And it doesnt sound as if however he is making any attempts to understand.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I've been there and it gets better. Your dp reacted in such a horrible way no wonder you are upset, but probably not because he is a horrible person! My dh also finds feelings/emotions difficult to understand and discuss. I found he understood more when I talked about physical symptoms (for me i was stuck in fight or flight mode, flight not an option so I was angry a lot!) and explained that my heart was always racing. This caused me to lose a lot of weight so he could see that. Once I understood what was happening I explained in terms of hormones/chemicals. We got through it and you will too. Xx
when life is good he behaves well but he doesn't have the first clue how to be caring when the chips are down
This. U just described by own dh to a 't' shovetheholly! Why are so many men so uncaring/unsympathetic? My own dh is so unable to show care and compassion for anything I've just given up trying to talk to him about anything really - he's never going to change.
Yep, my FIL also asked dh what I had to be depressed about . Both are pricks.
Even people with seemingly perfect life's and no worries can get depression. It's a chemical in balance in your brain and nothing you've done or not done.
Be honest with your GP and they can help you. Ask for some literature to give your husband. Make him read it. And nip his snotty comments in the bud right now.
His response shows a complete lack of understanding for your situation and was insensitive. He may have been trying to make you feel better but it really shows that he doesn't get the nuances! Do you think he would say a similar thing to a friend who was feeling depressed?
I'd take him to a gp appointment. Dh came to mine and the doctor was great. Started spouting statistics and science at dh and it helped him realise I wasn't just being a bitch.
I suspect your dp is very much like my own dh i- he's all about positivity and mind over matter so he doesn't understand why I can't just snap out of it when I'm feeling down. I think it's important that you go to ur go and get help/a diagnosis for having pnd (if that's what u have) so that u can speak to ur dp with that diagnosis instead of just painting it as 'being a bit down'
Also op, ur da is only 3 months old? Just want to say it will get better, 3 months is still very new
It sounds as though he doesn't understand and is upset by it all himself, so he's lashing out rather than facing the issue head on. If he's someone unfamiliar with depression and used to bottling his own emotions up then it's no wonder he's having such a hard time understanding why you're in bits at the moment. Men aren't raised to know what PND is and our culture discourages basic qualities such showing vulnerability (one of my friends, very well educated, once remarked in absolute seriousness that he didn't understand why people got so sad that they had gained weight in pregnancy and gave it a special name - needless to say I set him straight!)
I think you need to impress upon him that birth is a very complicated time both hormonally and emotionally; there are very real biological triggers for the situation and it's not just you being weak or him being inadequate (which is what his reaction seems to be saying he feels). Or maybe the doctor can help as PP suggests. Once he understands that you aren't raging at him because you don't love him any more but because you're genuinely struggling he should - assuming he's not a massive jerk - come around.
It sounds as though he's trying and getting frustrated that what he's doing isn't good enough, then taking it all out on you which is making the problem even worse (and naturally making you feel terrible).
I sent him a link to the NHS site but that's made things worse. He just came in and told me he has already researched it and is that what I think of him I.e. that he doesn't care and hasn't bothered to look it up himself
I think that makes him seem worse! Not understanding is one thing, but researching it and THEN showing zero empathy or compassion is just callous. Or has he decided you don't have PND?
is he a doctor then?
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