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to refuse to socialise with my friend's ex and new gf?

(34 Posts)
macnab Thu 12-Jan-17 10:54:19

DH has a friend who he's known since childhood. I've been with DH for 20 years, so have known this friend all that time. He met a girl who I instantly clicked with, and we became firm friends. They married but he's a dick and eventually (better late than never) they split. At the time, he wanted me to take his side and dump my friend. He was very put out that I took her side (I'd been listening to and supporting her for many years, and was glad that she'd finally had the courage to ditch him!) so things have been frosty between us since then. My DH keeps in touch with him, I've only seen him a handful of times in company and didn't get into any real conversation with him.

For the past year he's been seeing someone and on a few occasions he's said to my DH that we should all go out together (like a foursome, like we did years ago when he was married to my friend) DH did say it to me a couple of times and I explained that it would be very uncomfortable for me so no, I don't want to. DH has now said that his friend has asked again and he feels really bad saying no at this stage, and that he thinks we should go out with them.

We both work fulltime and my DH works weekends a lot so we hardly ever go out. I don't want to waste a rare night out with people that I really don't want to be with. I'm sure the new girlfriend is lovely but she's not really my problem, my problem is her dickhead boyfriend. Am I being unreasonable?

MontePulciana Thu 12-Jan-17 10:56:31

No you are not being unreasonable. It's up to you who you socialise with surely?

NavyandWhite Thu 12-Jan-17 10:59:48

Yes I think my loyalties would lie with my friend tbh and I think it would be pretty upsetting to her if you were to go out with her ex and his new gf.

kaitlinktm Thu 12-Jan-17 11:05:16

YANBU - He just wants everyone to still like him even though he behaved badly. Your friend would be upset. I wish I had had loyal friends like you. Our joint friends told me that although they didn't approve of what my ex had done, they weren't going to take sides, and obviously I couldn't expect them to. So the only person who suffered for his behaviour was me.

macnab Thu 12-Jan-17 11:06:05

Thanks. I don't think it would upset my friend as such, she has also met someone new (who's lovely) and she's so nice I'm sure she'd understand that it's not me disrespecting her in any way. She's aware of her ex's GF although I'm not sure if the kids have met her and she's not exactly new either. Its just that my opinion of the ex, my DH's friend, is so low that I really don't want to be in his company. I know my DH is feeling awkward about it but I don't want to put myself in that position just to save his blushes. Is that awful of me?!

pipsqueak25 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:06:07

you don't need to do this, he can't make you go out as a foursome if it upsets you.he'll get over it, if he has an ounce of sense he'll at least try to see it from your point of view, she is your friend and she'll thank you for making a stand if it bothers her.

RentANDBills Thu 12-Jan-17 11:06:53

YANBU, and your DH is being an arse if he pushes it.

WorldsSmallestPatio Thu 12-Jan-17 11:07:05

It's not about loyalty. He's a dick and you don't like him, why spend time with someone you don't like ?

Dh can be mates with him, you don't have to.

pipsqueak25 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:08:05

it doesn't matter what the ex wants 'wants everyone to like him' he really is a knob isn't he ? go with your conscience and what you want to do.

Whatsername17 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:08:49

Yanbu. You will lose your friendship with your friend. My best friend had a similar situation with her Dh's best friend. She went along to keep the peace and the ex wife felt betrayed.

macnab Thu 12-Jan-17 11:08:54

It's not about loyalty. He's a dick and you don't like him - yes, that's it exactly.

I do feel bad for DH though because I know he'll feel bad refusing and I can imagine the friend is probably pushing it and wanting to know why (as if he can't work that out for himself hmm )

heron98 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:10:32

I think YABU.

It's perfectly possible to be friends with his ex wife, and to spend time with the new one.

it's not one or the other.

macnab Thu 12-Jan-17 11:19:31

heron he treated my friend really badly for a long time. And even now they're no longer married he continues to mess her around (maintenance, contact etc) He's just generally an arse who I don't want to spend time with. I'm sure his new GF is lovely but it's him I don't want to see.

NavyandWhite Thu 12-Jan-17 11:20:59

Hmm if it's not about loyalty then I guess it depends on how much a friend he is to your DH?

Did you go out in a foursome when he was married to your friend?

CremeEggThief Thu 12-Jan-17 11:20:59

YANBU. Loyalty is important.

Ginkypig Thu 12-Jan-17 11:24:18

Tell your dh clearly.

Il go if you insist I do but know I will not want to be there and as such I will not hide my feelings or censor my views about how badly he treated my friend (his ex) and I will not pretend that we are friends because we arnt and i personally do not want to socialise with him.

Your dh will shut the idea down so tight Itl take a nuclear war to blow the door off again!

SnipSnipMrBurgess Thu 12-Jan-17 11:24:20

God I wouldn't miss the opportunity to sit at the table and point out what a knob he is. "Hey cuntface, how are the kids? Still struggling cos you aren't paying maintenance? Or have you even seen them lately knobhead? "

But I'm petty.

macnab Thu 12-Jan-17 11:25:28

Navy my DH still keeps in touch with him and I have no problem with that or indeed with him going out for a night with him etc. Its just that I don't want to be part of it. Yes, we did go out as couples together when they were married but it was a long time ago.

Kevinbaconsrealwife Thu 12-Jan-17 11:25:54

You sound very loyal and that's a great quality !! Why can't your DH and this man go out together, just the 2 of them??....

YetAnotherSpartacus Thu 12-Jan-17 11:27:43

YANBU! Definitely.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 12-Jan-17 11:28:43

I understand your unwillingness, but I think, since your friend seems to be ok about it, I would actually go along. I would use the opportunity to suss out the new GF, see whether you might like her too! She might need your support in the future as well sad

Also, as SnipSnip said, you could use the time to ask awkward questions (not TOO overtly, you don't want to upset your DH) and make sure that he hasn't told the GF too many lies about your friend.

I have been in your friend's position (well almost, we weren't actually married and had no DC) and my friends were very useful in finding out stuff about the new woman. Made me feel quite a lot better in some ways!

macnab Thu 12-Jan-17 11:28:59

Thanks everyone, I'm glad to hear I'm not BU! I will explain again to DH and he'll just have to accept it. I don't care if he tells his friend the truth, or makes an excuse (I can see how he'll feel bad turning him down again) but I am going to stand my ground on this one.

luckylucky24 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:34:56

YANBU I cannot stand DH's best friend and have nothing to do with him. I am civil when I see him but would never attend an event with DH if he was tagging along unless it was a VERY large group.

ShotsFired Thu 12-Jan-17 11:40:23

WorldsSmallestPatio
It's not about loyalty. He's a dick and you don't like him, why spend time with someone you don't like ?

Dh can be mates with him, you don't have to.

This x 100. If the mate really doesn't have a clue why you don't like him after so long, he must have rocks in his head (my money is on shit stirring). That and he's trying to cuckoo new GF into the nest I reckon.

JustSpeakSense Thu 12-Jan-17 11:45:04

If you don't want to socialise with DH's friend, who you find to be a dick then you don't have to (presumably, though, you didn't have a problem socialising in a group with him when he was married to your friend though?)

However, you may find his new gf is someone you may get on with, maybe she is a positive influence in him and their relationship has brought out the best in him. If you are being swayed by the fact that his ex is your good friend perhaps you should rethink your decision and give it a go. (Only of course if you are sure your friend wouldn't see it as a betrayal)

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