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to not want to give ex access with DC

(129 Posts)
EmilyRosanne Thu 12-Jan-17 08:01:25

We have been officially separated a few weeks and although I instigated a break to think, he ultimately ended it.
We have two DCs, one 5 and one 6 months. The eldest adores dad and I don't have concerns about contact, however with the baby things are more complicated as DC was born with a severe condition limiting the life expectancy to an average of 20/30 although it is common for much younger children to lose their battles. Much of keeping the baby healthy involves rigorous therapy and medication, all of which I have administered since birth and ex has played a very small role (I'd ask him to give DC medicine but I would need to draw up syringes etc.) and knows very little about what DC truly needs to keep healthy. I am also still breastfeeding and DC will not take much expressed milk from a bottle which is another concern as putting on enough weight is also crucial to keeping DC healthy and I also am unable to pump very much at times (ex says he will get formula and is not listening to me that breast milk is better for her with the antibodies etc.)

I am reluctant to give contact to ex with the baby as I have never left them alone before and the baby will not settle for any one but me and screams after about 5 minutes of being held by ex. I am also worried he may forget medication or take the baby somewhere too risky for the condition (there are lots of places deemed too high a risk). I also feel devastated at giving up time with the baby not knowing what the future holds.

We started off still doing things as a family but it seems he is trying to date again and this has changed his attitude towards me, he sends me vile texts blaming everything on me, I've ruined the children's lives etc. and I don't feel comfortable spending time the 4 of us anymore let alone the damage it might do for our eldest to see us at each others throats. He is now threatening court to be given unsupervised access as he 'can't stand me' to spend any time with me while eldest is at school with baby.

What do I do??

ailPartout Thu 12-Jan-17 08:41:25

I don't want to sound unkind but he has a perfectly equal right to spend time with his child. Why are your feelings more important than his? Why is your time more important? Why are your opinions?

I think you both need to make an effort to get along for the children's sake.

I also feel devastated at giving up time with the baby not knowing what the future holds.

Whilst clearly out of love, this is a very selfish way of viewing it all.

DownWithThatSort0fThing Thu 12-Jan-17 08:46:51

ahh OP this sounds a difficult one.

What I would suggest is discussing with your ex, your concerns about the health related issues.

I know your relationship with him is rocky at the moment, but you two really need to get past the issues of who is to blame and focus on your kids.

You cant stop him from seeing his kid. The only thing you can do is ensure your ex knows how to deal with the heathcare related things so in order to feel comfortable with this the only way I can see is to spend time all of you

redexpat Thu 12-Jan-17 08:48:17

all have you read hte same OP as I have? I see a parent who is concerned that the other parent will not put DC2s needs ahead of his own, and is unable to meet those complicated needs.

Screenshot the abusive messages.

Let him go to court. It's something a lot of men say to hurt their exes, but not so many follow through with it. Do you think he would?

In the mmeantime you should open a case with the CSA or whatever theyre called these days.

Follyfoot Thu 12-Jan-17 08:48:47

Whilst I understand your concerns about him dealing with the medical needs of your younger child, they are not yours to 'give' him access to. OK it might be a difficult learning curve for him with all the treatment etc and that might take time, but he has as much right as you do to be with your children. That is particularly pertinent when you share a child with a potentially life limiting condition. I hope you can come to a reasonable outcome for all of you flowers

ChasedByBees Thu 12-Jan-17 08:49:18

Whilst fathers have access, I think a young breastfed baby is a special case. Could you speak with your HV for advice? seeking some legal support / advice might also be a good idea.

Ohdearducks Thu 12-Jan-17 08:54:23

He needs to learn to take care of your babies medical needs properly, the health of your child trumps both parents wants and needs surrounding access.
Don't withhold access but tell him he needs to come and the see the baby at your home to learn how to properly take care of him and administer his medication, if he's serious about having the baby he will do everything he can to ensure his child is safe, of he won't cooperate let him take it to court.

Ohdearducks Thu 12-Jan-17 08:54:40


WheresMaHairyToe Thu 12-Jan-17 08:56:17

Bollocks to his rights. The child with the life-limiting condition has a right to the very best care. He has shown that he was unwilling to do that in the context of the family, why should he get to experiment now?
OP, a court wouldn't insist the baby be given formula. Maybe go to mediation, insist your XH shows a commitment to learning all the needs of your child and to meeting them consistently.
With an average child, a previously uninvolved dad has a steep enough learning curve, and it doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things if sometimes e.g. a bath isn't had, or the diet isn't what Mum considers ideal. But this isn't that, this is far more important.

Areyoufree Thu 12-Jan-17 08:57:29

Ah, OP, I'm so sorry. You are going through so much right now. It would be hard enough to hand over a 6 month old at the best of times, but with the other health complications too, I can see why it is hugely difficult for you. Hard as it is going to be, you and your ex are going to have to talk about your concerns. And at some point, you will probably have to trust that he will administer the medicine correctly. Unfortunately, I think that keeping the baby from him could cause huge problems legally. I think you need some professional advice with this one - maybe some mediation? And document absolutely everything. Am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrendous.

Ohdearducks Thu 12-Jan-17 08:57:50

I forgot about the breastfed thing!l sorry, baby will need to stay with you until at least 6 months (if wearing is still able to take place considering the medical condition) he will have to see the baby at your home until then:

Scooby20 Thu 12-Jan-17 08:58:24

Due to the illness and being breastfed, i would imagine a court wouldn't force you to be separated from the child for a while weekend.

But they wont stop him havig access at all. No access is not in best interest of the child.

Yes he has sent shitty texts, but the op doesnt think her children are in danger. And she is wanting to stop him having access to their child.

If its impossible, for the baby to separated from you due to the circumstances you both really need to come up with a way around it.

Oofimanoeuf Thu 12-Jan-17 09:01:21

There's a charity called gingerbread that can advise for free in cases involving separation with kids. They've helped me a lot. Google them, find their number and try and go for contact centre visits until such a time he can have the youngest on his own that way you can be there with the milk and there will be others around so if he acts up around DC they will witness it and hopefully be able to let him know when he's being out of order.
It does sound like he's ignoring your child's needs to use the kids as a weapon against you. He's bitter you went on a break and now he's ended it but still somehow blames you. I can see why you wanted a break from this man child.

Ohdearducks Thu 12-Jan-17 09:01:28

Sorry I'm typing too fast and I'm tired I'm not much help am I! 😳 Misreading and forgetting what you wrote! I see baby is already 6 months. 🙈

Chloe84 Thu 12-Jan-17 09:09:45

Would a couple of days of his poor care harm her? If not, I would suggest giving her to him, so he can see how it difficult it is caring for her. Hopefully her screaming will put him off. Hopefully he'll change his tune.

He sounds like a fuckwit.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Thu 12-Jan-17 09:13:36

You would probably be better off getting impartial mediation about what's in the best interests of the dc.

There are health complications and high emotions to take into account so a neutral professional would probably be able to come up with the best solution.

Sorry things are so tough op flowers

ailPartout Thu 12-Jan-17 09:16:03

I see a parent who is concerned that the other parent will not put DC2s needs ahead of his own, and is unable to meet those complicated needs.

She's rightfully concerned about her child. Not because he's failed and she's basing it on his failure to care for them.

I said she was clearly doing it out of love, but I also think a father has an equal right to spend time with his child. Some parents do forfiet their rights to be one (DV etc) but this hasn't been mentioned by the OP. He wants to spend time with their youngest. The eldest adores him and the OP has no concerns.

Shitty texts sent after a family's broken up aren't, for me, a good reason to make life difficult for the father.

The baby's needs trump the parents but the mother's don't trump the father's.

Ohdearducks Thu 12-Jan-17 09:16:24

Would a couple of days of his poor care harm her? If not, I would suggest giving her to him, so he can see how it difficult it is caring for her. Hopefully her screaming will put him off. Hopefully he'll change his tune.

Please don't do this! It's awful to put an unwell baby through distress just to prove a point or teach him lesson.

43percentburnt Thu 12-Jan-17 09:19:01

I would put Communication in writing at all times. Express any concerns as concern for the children's well being. Ie 'Can we meet you in the cafe/library/sure start centre every day/twice a week at x time before you go to work, this gives you 2 hours together before you go to work. I am happy to feed her there'.

' it's important dd receives breast milk, the consultant said it contains antibodies which may help her condition'

Keep all communication with him solely about the children's welfare. Invite to hospital appointments 'so consultant can explain her new medicine or so nurse can show you how to prepare the injection' . Give him every opportunity to learn but Document every no show or any abuse.

hannahturning30 Thu 12-Jan-17 09:19:13

Ideally mediation should take place prior to a court application. I fully understand your concerns though. I'd ensure you have medical evidence from health professionals regarding high risk places, feeding, medication and care, for both mediation and court. I'd try to involve him in any medical appointments so he's fully aware that you aren't just laying it on.
Whilst I understand your concerns he might surprise you. Him dating is a non issue, just difficult for you emotionally knowing he's moving on so quickly and with so much to resolve sad Would he agree to short contacts with baby between feeds with a view to building them up? Sadly a lot of men don't fully understand breastfeeding, it's hard enough at the best of times! Hope you're looking after yourself and eating and drinking plenty and things sort themselves out flowers You are NBU to be worried about things, but he should be able to have a relationship with his children without being watched over.

ailPartout Thu 12-Jan-17 09:19:35

Hopefully her screaming will put him off

Put him off wanting to spend time with his daughter? It sounds like he's done a fine job with their first child and that was an especially nasty thing to say.

His family has been broken, his 6 month old has a limited life expectancy, his ex doesn't want him to have access to his child. Why is it so much easier for him, getting nothing but derision here when his world has been turned upside down as much as the OP's?

I wish the OP nothing but the best but no more or less than I want for the father too.

EmilyRosanne Thu 12-Jan-17 09:21:44

Thank you for your responses. Without going into too much detail about baby's condition (fairly rare so may identify myself) giving him a 'learning curve' or letting him 'learn' for himself could put the baby in danger, they are particularly prone to infections that would not affect other children and him taking the baby to somewhere like a farm without proper knowledge could put in danger of life threatening infections so I will not give him time to experiment on his own at the risk of the baby's future health. To prolong the baby's life as long as possible so many considerations have to be taken in hygiene, careful management of symptoms etc. something I have done caring for them for 6 months while exP has spent no time doing as he would rather I did 'incase he does it wrong'. I'm not deliberately withholding access and I'm happy for him to have our eldest but given the magnitude of trusting him with DC2 I can't risk it and he's made it clear he can't be around me anymore. I don't know what the solution is but from what I gather from my point of you what is best for the children is that eldest spends time with him as he loves being around him and missing him terribly but that the baby stays with me until such a time he either makes an effort to come to a hospital appointment and learns and when baby isn't being breastfed. Amongst other things the baby is prone to bowel obstruction issues so I fear suddenly switching to formula wouldn't be a great idea and the the dietician has stressed how good breastfeeding is for DC I don't want to give up for the benefit of ex..

Ilovecaindingle Thu 12-Jan-17 09:22:05

Contact centre where he can be monitored caring and medicating your dd. . Are his rights more important than her health and possibly shortening her life by his lack of care?

EmilyRosanne Thu 12-Jan-17 09:24:26

I do invite him to every hospital appointment and will continue to do so but he has made one out of around 20 appointments (which was when baby was diagnosed)in the babies life as 'he can't keep getting time off work'

TheProblemOfSusan Thu 12-Jan-17 09:25:43

Can you start planning for him to have the baby? Lots of documented instructions, really clear and specific, about what needs doing and when - include things must checklists for medications, and both of you are to fill them out so you both know exactly what medicines the baby has had. Have practice runs where he does all the care and you just supervise. Again, document what happened at these, dispassionately and factually as you can.

There's three reasons for this - first, it might work! He might step up, and you'll know he can look after the baby and all will be fine. Secondly, if it doesn't work, you'll have evidence that he can't be trusted to deal with the baby's health needs and visiting needs to wait till the child is older or be supervised. Thirdly, he might realise on his own what the needs are and realise he can't actually give the baby the best care.

And you'll look reasonable and calm and know that you're working to allow them to see each other in safe conditions.

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