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AIBU to think an 18 yo shouldn't find a just turned 14 yo 'hot'?

(122 Posts)
samuelsdw Thu 12-Jan-17 02:16:23

Just that.

MissVictoria Thu 12-Jan-17 02:22:15

I'm going to assume the 14 yo is female? 14 year olds can look so much older than they are, especially with make up, the clothing they wear, and the fact some girls develop quite early. If she looks older than she is, it's not "unreasonable" for an 18 year old to find her sexually attractive, but it WOULD be unreasonable for that attraction to lead to anything physical. To look, ok, to touch, not ok.

samuelsdw Thu 12-Jan-17 02:23:17

Actually, the other way round! 18 yo female and 14 yo male.

Birdsgottafly Thu 12-Jan-17 02:27:22

Well, I can remember watching Twilight with my DDs and having to remind myself that Jacob was only 16.

I've passed a group of lads playing rugby and they've been bigger than most men that I know.

As said, it's acting on it, or over stating the comment.

Sirzy Thu 12-Jan-17 02:29:17

It's only 4 years difference though. As said acting upon it would be wrong but that's all.

MrsBlennerhassett Thu 12-Jan-17 02:43:45

theres actually only 4 years age difference there so its not that weird no. 14 year olds can look a lot older than they are.
Illegal to act on it though.

MissVictoria Thu 12-Jan-17 02:49:24

Even with the genders reversed it's pretty similar. Some males, especially taller ones, can look older than they are, and as long as nothing sexual happens it's not "wrong". Kissing would not be illegal, only things involving sexual contact would be, and looking is definitely not a crime. My last boyfriend was just turned 17 when we met (online) and i was 22.

Batteriesallgone Thu 12-Jan-17 02:49:44

Depends if they know them. As said about appearances, at a distance etc. But a 18yo knowing a 14yo and finding them attractive - I would find that worrying because the 14yo would be so much more immature.

Liiinoo Thu 12-Jan-17 03:13:52

As other people have said context is key here. When I was in my mid 30s I was out shopping one day and saw someone in a crowd. My immediate reaction was an increased heart rate and the involuntary thought 'OMG, he is gorgeous.' Then I focussed more fully and realised he was wearing the uniform of a local 6th form college. Any lustful feelings died away very quickly.

And 4 years isn't a huge gap, if she was 31 and he was 27 it wouldn't be a big deal. As long as the 18 year old isn't intending to seduce the 14 year old but just admire him from afar I wouldn't think anything of it.

faithinthesound Thu 12-Jan-17 03:24:00

If this was reversed and it was an 18yo boy looking at a 14yo girl, we'd be horrified. Things don't change just because the younger party is male. He's still a minor, still a child.

The 18yo can think what she likes, but should keep those thoughts to herself. Kissing might not be illegal, but it feels all kinds of wrong to me. I'd be asking myself why the 18yo can't find someone her own age, why she needs to be putting the moves on a child.

PPs mentioning later in life age gaps have a point, I will concede - if he were 27 to her 31 we wouldn't be having this conversation, but he's not 27 to her 31, he's 14 to her 18, he's a child (I can't emphasize that part enough) and all of this justification and "rules lawyering" to make it sound like it's okay that a woman of the age of majority crushing on - and potentially acting on said crush with - a child under the age of consent is just revolting and frankly frightening.

If she likes him that much she can wait until he's old enough - legally and emotionally - to give consent. Until then, it doesn't matter what she thinks, she should damn well look somewhere else.

Bluntness100 Thu 12-Jan-17 03:31:12

Who are they as in how do they know each other and in what context did she say it please? Is she just making a passing comment?

samuelsdw Thu 12-Jan-17 03:35:23

My son looks like a child though. He is 5 ft and his voice hasn't broken. DS is all kinds of impressed but I'm not.

SomethingLikeFlying Thu 12-Jan-17 03:36:51

If this was reversed and it was an 18yo boy looking at a 14yo girl, we'd be horrified. Things don't change just because the younger party is male. He's still a minor, still a child.

Agree completely with this.

SomethingLikeFlying Thu 12-Jan-17 03:38:01

I wouldn't be impressed either op.

Motherofhowmany Thu 12-Jan-17 03:38:25

Yanbu op that would make me uncomfortable.

Birdsgottafly Thu 12-Jan-17 03:39:47

How was it said?

My Mums friends (female) would tell me how attractive I was, to give me a confidence boost.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 12-Jan-17 03:40:47

Did the 18 yo know their age? Would they act on it? If they stopped thinking about the 14 year olds appearance and thought about their age would they still think its ok to say that?

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Thu 12-Jan-17 03:41:13

I wouldn't love it, either.

faithinthesound Thu 12-Jan-17 03:42:08

My Mums friends (female) would tell me how attractive I was, to give me a confidence boost.

There's a difference between
"You're a very handsome young man!" (with the sense of "You'll find a nice girl one day!")
"Hot!" (with the sense of, "Break me off a piece of that!")

The first is a nice thing to say to a young person to boost their confidence. The second is revolting, and alarming.

samuelsdw Thu 12-Jan-17 03:49:44

DS's friends (that are girls) often comment 'hot' and other things like that on his pictures and he does the same to theirs, it's what they seem to do nowadays and I'm his Facebook friend so it's definitely not a secret thing, which I don't really have an issue with, these are all 13-14, but when they're a bloody sixth former it makes my skin crawl and he finds it a good thing!! He came in yesterday and told me how she had said hi to him at school, so this person clearly isn't backing off. It's seriously inappropriate imo but DH is saying how he loved attention from older girls at school but he is missing the point, I'm not mad at my son for thinking this is the best thing in the word, I'm mad at this random adult. Do you think his school would pay any interest in this? I really feel like I should do something about it. DH has told me to leave it and DS thinks I'm being 'stupid'. Maybe this should have gone on relationships!

BillSykesDog Thu 12-Jan-17 03:51:01

Who is the 18 year old and what exactly did they say? It does sound like she might have been being kind and giving him a confidence boost rather than coming on to him.

If he is 14, 5ft and his voice hasn't broken have you had s doctor check out all is okay?

KittenDixon Thu 12-Jan-17 03:54:00

I think it depends how it was said. Whether it was intended as a confidence boost or whether it was a bit sleazy.

Was it said to be nice/supportive, in a "he'll be good looking when he's grown up" kind of way. I once said to the mum of a really pretty toddler "Oh she's gorgeous, she'll break a few hearts when she's older".

On the other hand when I was little, my mum's first husband (total womaniser- she married him at 22 and was divorced from him by 25) said about me "Oh I'll wait for her". Ugh. Marriage no six broke up when he made abpass at his teenage step-daughter. No real surprise to me tbh.

It was in the US and wife no 6 took him to the absolute cleaners as he was so desperate for it to stay secret.

BillSykesDog Thu 12-Jan-17 03:54:35

Oh FFS. Just seen that response. She wrote 'hot' on a FB picture. That means absolutely nothing and is just a throwaway comment to teenagers almost akin to just liking the pic. It's certainly not a come on.

And saying 'hi' to him is just normal behaviour, not coming on to him or refusing to back off. I think you're totally overreacting to this and over sexualising the behaviour needlessly. She's just being friendly, not forcing herself on him.

user1477282676 Thu 12-Jan-17 03:54:41

I think the way they use language is very different to the way we do OP.

To the 18 year old, commenting "Hot" is just a "nice" way of complimenting your son.

It's not very subtle sure but she could easily have written "Handsome" but then she woudn't use that word at her age in all likelyhood.

I'd not worry about it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 12-Jan-17 03:55:38

I think you're hugely over reacting. She's a schoolgirl and they're at the same school. It was just a comment.

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