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To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

(241 Posts)
Skatingonthinice16 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:52:48

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.


Basicbrown Wed 11-Jan-17 20:56:02

Er yes, yabu. Is this for real?

mygorgeousmilo Wed 11-Jan-17 20:57:20

Erm sorry but....your 'D'H is not very nice. That's family money surely?! Does he treat himself and fritter the way away or do you have some kind of mammoth mortgage? Doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:58:03

Yes. I did go back to work between dc but I've stayed at home again with the second dc, partly because I've had PND and I'm just not well enough to go back but also because my salary would be largely taken up by childcare costs so for the amount of work it didn't seem worth it. Plus dh is away two weeks of the month so literally everything then falls to me with the children.

mygorgeousmilo Wed 11-Jan-17 20:58:16

*the rest away

DesignedForLife Wed 11-Jan-17 20:58:40

Why isn't your income shared?

I'm a SAHM atm (by way of redundancy not choice) and our finances are all shared. Our income isn't a third of yours, and I can afford new jeans (albeit not designer ones).

ExplodingCarrots Wed 11-Jan-17 20:58:40

Your DH is financially abusive.

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:58:59

He saves quite a bit. He isn't extravagant but if he wanted something he would buy it

Loaferloveforyou Wed 11-Jan-17 20:59:18

Assuming he has no pension or student loan deductions that's nearly £5k a month, what does he spend his £4400 on?

Start charging him for childcare

JaxingJump Wed 11-Jan-17 20:59:22

This is called financial abuse. Every penny earned is family money. Not his.

Caterina99 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:59:42

Are you being serious? YABU I'm a sahm and my DH has a similar income to yours. I have just as much access to OUR money as he does. Obviously we discuss any big purchases, but I am not beholden to him because he works and I stay at home raising OUR children

DesignedForLife Wed 11-Jan-17 21:00:03

And if I had £600 a month for petrol/clothes/kids stuff I'd be laughing!

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:00:09

If I bring up needing any money for anything he gets annoyed so I find it better not to do so and just sell something of my own or go without

Basicbrown Wed 11-Jan-17 21:00:26

Maybe he thinks the OP has enough money and all is well, I think financial abuse is strong without more info personally.

Xmasbaby11 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:00:27

It sounds like you would be better off working. Make sure your dh pays his share of the childcare costs.

I would not want to be financially dependent on someone so tight fisted.

ExplodingCarrots Wed 11-Jan-17 21:00:48

Sorry posted too soon.

Finances should be shared between you. It should all be classed as family money. I'm a SAHM and we have a joint account and I have full access to this account, credit cards etc. I never have to ask for money and my DP would be mortified if I did.

petalsandstars Wed 11-Jan-17 21:01:07

Obvious financial abuse here - he's in luxury and you're in poverty - albeit perhaps a gilded cage sad

Basicbrown Wed 11-Jan-17 21:01:07

Ah cross posted, he is financially abusive

MrGrumpy01 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:01:26

I earn a lot less than that and I don't give my oh an allowance, it is family money.

How did this come to be?

TitaniasCloset Wed 11-Jan-17 21:01:30

I think its financial abuse too. Very strange set up. Who pays mortgage bills and main food shop?

wannabestressfree Wed 11-Jan-17 21:01:31

Why are these things not talked about before giving up work? Tell him you want to swap.... what a knob (sorry)

Bambambini Wed 11-Jan-17 21:01:46

I was in a similar position. Husband possibly earned similar when i bece a SAH. Always had separate accounts and he transferred (still does) an amount every month for me to spend on food, house, kids and myself etc.

It's never been an issue though as we see all money as joint and mix and match. He probably does spend a lot more than me overall - but i can spend and buy what i want.

Yanbu - he shouldn't be lording it over you financially. Does he limit you though or do you feel you shouldn't spend on yourself.

Skatingonthinice16 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:02:09

I feel guilty that he has all the stress of work. It is his money

EssentialHummus Wed 11-Jan-17 21:02:26

You should not be struggling while he plays with north of £4k per month.

StealthPolarBear Wed 11-Jan-17 21:02:59

Seriously? Do you not as a family have a shared standard of living? Surely thats one of tbe points of being a family.
I hope you iron your shirts really thoroughly but his are a bit creased and crumpled.

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