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To make a decision based on me and DP not being together in the future

(24 Posts)
livvylongpants Wed 11-Jan-17 20:29:06

Good evening,

Now youngest DC is 2 and I've stopped breastfeeding me and DP have been having a conversation about future contraception.

We have 4 DC between us, teen DSS and our 3 DC aged5 and under.

Together we do not want any more children. DP is 38 and I am 25.

I asked DP if he'd consider the snip, he says no despite being adamant that if we split he wouldn't want any further children.

He mentioned getting sterilised but, and I may have put this the wrong way, I said that if we split in 5 years or god forbid he dies or something and a few years later I meet someone, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't have more kids.

He's upset at the comment as he feels like I'm making a decision based on leaving him or him dying. Not sure if that even makes sense!

Aibu to make a decision based on this

RandomMess Wed 11-Jan-17 20:32:28

YANBU sterilisation is forever so you have to be 100% sure that come what may you won't want to have anymore DC.

notMarlene Wed 11-Jan-17 20:32:31

YANBU, it's utterly sensible to consider all angles when you're talking about vasectomy/sterilisation. Absolutely.

Areyoufree Wed 11-Jan-17 20:33:28

Nope, I think your reasoning is good. I also think you would have some difficulty in getting sterilised, as you are so young.

LostMyDotBrain Wed 11-Jan-17 20:34:53

He won't get the snip, you won't be sterilised. He can't take the high ground here really...he's suggesting you have a far more invasive procedure than the one he refuses to have (for what reason?) That leaves you both with temporary options. And it's completely reasonable at 25 to not rule out having more children. Besides, I imagine the vast majority of doctors would refuse you based on your age anyway.

TooSmittle Wed 11-Jan-17 20:35:38

We feel the same as you. No, I don't see our relationship ending. No, I don't even have a slight inkling that we'll ever be without each other BUT just in case we both agreed that surgical sterilisation (is that the right term?) just isn't for us.

I completely understand the other side of the debate mind you, and it would obviously be easier contraception once we've had all our children, but we both have the same opinion. I get where you're coming from. I can't even really justify it but that's how we feel.

Why does your DH not want the snip?

livvylongpants Wed 11-Jan-17 20:37:54

He can't explain why just doesn't want it done, which I fine I respect that.

And he's fine with me not wanting to be sterilised, more upset with my reasoning for it if that makes sense!

As it is I can't imagine splitting and can't imagine ever having anymore kids. But you never know!

Ibloodyhatethomasthetankengine Wed 11-Jan-17 20:40:58

This is the exact reason I don't want my DH have the snip...... Life can be cruel, and if something happened to me, I'd want him to meet someone and marry again.

I don't want options limited for either of us.

We went for the coil. Loving it so far!

YANBU

notMarlene Wed 11-Jan-17 20:42:42

It's true that it's very hard indeed to get agreement for sterilization so very young. It's stupid and misogynistic but unfortunately that seems to be the way it works.

Also the failure rate is 1 in 200. As far as I understand there is no way of testing if the operation has been a success, which is enough to have really put me off having it done TBH. The rate for my copper coil (and most other contraception) is similar but at least it's a new roll of the dice each month.

LostMyDotBrain Wed 11-Jan-17 20:46:34

Your reasoning is obviously hard for him to swallow, but it is sound. Maybe it would be kinder to be a bit more vague with your reasoning and say you simply don't want to rule out having more children while you're still so young?

haveacupoftea Wed 11-Jan-17 20:49:37

He is being childish and you have nothing to apologise for. Maybe try the coil.

frogsgoladidahdidah Wed 11-Jan-17 20:53:38

I was sterilised after the delivery of my 4th child (aged 36) and I felt/feel delighted about it. Sex has become fun again!

That said, when we first discussed it whilst pregnant with #3, I was majorly uncomfortable with the idea.

It is permanent, so if you have even the slightest hesitation, don't do it.

livvylongpants Wed 11-Jan-17 20:57:25

What is the coil like? Is it painful to put in? Do you notice it's there?

Doilooklikeatourist Wed 11-Jan-17 21:07:46

I had a coil , bit ouch going in ( and out ! OOOOOOWWW )
However , it lasts for 5 years and I had no periods , so good result

thethoughtfox Wed 11-Jan-17 21:09:08

I don't think anyone would sterilise a 25 year old anyway, if that helps. I think you have to be at least 30.

Baylisiana Wed 11-Jan-17 21:10:19

YANBU especially as you are so young. Maybe he is a bit insecure because of the big age gap, but you are only being sensible. When it comes to something drastic like sterilisation it makes sense to consider all the possibilities, does not mean you think it is likely. Anyway, subconsciously his reasoning may be the same!

PassiveAgressiveQueen Wed 11-Jan-17 21:10:44

I am going to be blunt and will probably get shouted at, but can you really afford more than 3 kids if you split?

Ibloodyhatethomasthetankengine Wed 11-Jan-17 21:14:12

Coil - nowhere near as bad going in as I had expected (and I am a huge wimp, zero pain threshold) and can't feel it at all. No periods and very happy with it!

QuitMoaning Wed 11-Jan-17 21:17:01

Coil is awesome.
Am now on my second and uncomfortable going in, awful coming out but the 5 years in between are glorious.

And as mine is the mirena, I haven't had a period for 7 years and have forgotten all that entails.

livvylongpants Wed 11-Jan-17 21:21:04

Coil is sounding good, I have a wimp factor about it,not sure why, have given birth to 3 kids with just gas and air!

Passiveagressivequeen

I'm not sure how that's relevant? We have no plans for more than 3 kids, as that's what we can manage, financial wise,time wise, space wise mental health wise hence at the moment we are making long term contraceptive plans.

RandomMess Wed 11-Jan-17 21:22:25

My thought was if DH and the kids got wiped out in a car accident (actually one of the most likely of outcomes) would I want the chance to start again?

If one of my DC died would I want the chance to try for some more?

If we split up, assuming 5 years to meet someone else and be in stable relationship, would I want the chance to try for some more?

I had the mirena coil loathed it and ended up getting sterilised younger than I had anticipated originally but I was late 30s with 4 DC all school age and I suppose new the time had come to accept the time had come that was right for me.

Aftershock15 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:25:01

The could you afford more kids is a daft reason not to keep your options open. The whole point is she doesn't know what the future holds. If I died and my dh meet someone new he could certainly afford to support our children, any step children plus any new ones they might have. 25 is so young and you have no idea what the next 10-15 years will bring.

dudsville Wed 11-Jan-17 21:43:21

I absolutely get your reasoning, but i think it could be hard for some people to hear. It would have been easier to leave it with not being 100% certain you don't want more children but we all put a foot wrong from time to time. I'd suggest you tell him you were insensitive and love him up, reassure him.

CafeAuLaitMerci Wed 11-Jan-17 21:47:34

YANBU to consider what you would want if you split up or he died, but you were possibly a little tactless in telling him/the way you told him. Give him a hug & tell him you love him, no plans to leave him x. However, if he carries on about it, explain he's a lot older than you and he doesn't want a vasectomy in order to keep his options open, so he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

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