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To expect more?

(69 Posts)
c737 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:19:29

I've got 2 v young children, 1 yrs old and 2 yrs old. DP works long hours so don't have much help - PILs do a bit here and there for us.

Anyway, I seem to spend a lot of time feeling royally pissed off and resentful that my mum doesn't help out with the kids. Granted, she lives up north while we're down south and she works but her job is v flexible (i.e. Some weeks she spends a large part of the week working from home).

She had my sister and I very close together so she knows how fucking mindblowingly relentless it is, how tiring and how manic my life has become. I just don't understand why she wouldn't offer to take them for a bit or take a few days off and come down and help out. She helped out for a week after dc2 was born but that's all she's ever done really apart from babysit in the evening a few times when it was pretty much guaranteed that the kids wouldn't wake up.

My sister (who doesn't have a particularly close relationship with her either) says I am being U as mum prob feels like she has 'done her time' and shouldn't be expected to muck in. She was never particularly happy in the mother role with us so not sure why I expect any difference now with my own children.

I just seem to grow ever more resentful that her bi monthly visits are just popping in for a day at the weekend (when dp is home and I have help) and chucking a few pressies at the kids and then leaving. She's a v difficult character so know it would end up in a huge row if I said anything but just wondered if other people understand where I'm coming from or if I'm just being sensitive and acting entitled?

RacoonBandit Wed 11-Jan-17 20:22:15

Erm not your mms job to juggle her working hours and travel from north to south to help you with the children you chose to have.

She has been mum and done all that.

You are being entitled. Get a nanny.

c737 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:25:58

I would love to get a nanny but no way we could afford it.

I feel like, having been through the absolute carnage of having two under two, I would do everything I could to help out if either of my two were ever in the same position.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 11-Jan-17 20:28:27

As lovely as it is if grandparents help out it is not a right so I think YABU.

fruitbats Wed 11-Jan-17 20:28:53

Are you for real? Your mum lives 'up north' and you are 'down south'. She works full time but you want her to take time off to come to yours?
I'm sorry but you decided to have the children. Your responsibility.

RacoonBandit Wed 11-Jan-17 20:28:58

But that's you not your mum.

Come on OP your mum lives some distance away from you, she works full time and you expect her to be at your side when you need just because you have to kids.

You say that you would help your DC out but that's may feel differently in 25 years.

Besides it does sound like your mum helps as much as she can it's just not enough for you.

Grow up. Seriously. Your mum is not free childcare hmm

dudsville Wed 11-Jan-17 20:29:09

Your mother no longer had young children. She had a job and lives far away. I think it would be great for you if you had help but it's unfair on your mother for you to build resentment against her particularly. I would suspect another problem is behind this.

PurpleDaisies Wed 11-Jan-17 20:30:01

I feel like, having been through the absolute carnage of having two under two, I would do everything I could to help out if either of my two were ever in the same position.
That's easy to say while you're not living (what I presume to be) hours away, thirty years older and still working.

I think you're being too hard on your mum.

londonfeather Wed 11-Jan-17 20:30:06

Focus on the positives - by the sounds of it your mum is healthy and involved with your kids. That's a lot more than a lot of people can even hope for so when you feel frustrated try to remember how lucky you are for that.

BravoPanda Wed 11-Jan-17 20:30:32

You need a slap, OP. To be frank.

Were you always this much of an entitled brat? Maybe that's why she didn't enjoy being a parent much.

fruitbats Wed 11-Jan-17 20:31:08

I helped out with my DGD when I could, but not if it interfered with my own full time job and we are not hundreds of miles apart.

ollieplimsoles Wed 11-Jan-17 20:31:19


She had my sister and I very close together so she knows how fucking mindblowingly relentless it is, how tiring and how manic my life has become

Your sister is right, she's done her time.
If she didn't enjoy it, why would she want to do it again, albeit with dgc.

Loaferloveforyou Wed 11-Jan-17 20:31:29

If she's working a lot of the week at home do you expect her to come to yours and work and look after your children at the same time? She's still working whether that's at home or in the office.

If she was down the road I could understand you wanting more help but she's north you are south but she still comes down twice a month. That's more than my DP sees his parents and we have a similar set up to you.

Have you asked her directly if she will come and look after the kids one weekend so you can have a break?

user1471548375 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:31:42

If it's reasonable to expect your DM to take time of work perhaps you could ask the same of DH... Added bonus in that he doesn't have to travel the length of the country whole using up precious annual leave

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:31:42


You are being spectacularly insensitive and entitled.

Amaried Wed 11-Jan-17 20:31:56

God you sound incredibly entitled.. I would never expect family to take annual leave to mind my kids, after all it was my decision to have them, why should they have to drop everything to help out, you are a sahm with help from inlaws and to say you are increasingly resentful is not rational.

SorrelSoup Wed 11-Jan-17 20:31:58

You could always ask for a hand? Tell her you're struggling and see if anything materialises.

Magzmarsh Wed 11-Jan-17 20:32:01

Sorry but YABU OP. Your decision to have 2 under 2 and your mum has her own life.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 11-Jan-17 20:32:15

She's supposed to take time off work to come down and help you?


c737 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:32:31

I think you might be right dudsville - still hold a lot of resentment towards her from my childhood and perhaps this is colouring my view somewhat.

Somedays Wed 11-Jan-17 20:32:53

This must be a reverse? Surely no one would actually be this deluded?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Wed 11-Jan-17 20:33:49

Give over.

Your Mum is living hours away from you and working, her flexible hours don't mean she should drop her free time to sort out your childcare.

Listen to yourself and stop being stroppy about it.

ImNotReallyReal Wed 11-Jan-17 20:35:43

I have no family where I live, I had two under two. Now aged 3 and 5. I worked and had a 90 minute commute each way when they were 6 month old babies. I just had to deal with it. I paid for childcare. My commute is now just under an hour (easy life).

Sorry, but they are your children so you look after them or pay someone else to do it. That's how it is. Get over it.

MadMags Wed 11-Jan-17 20:36:00

Wow, you are being so U it beggars belief!

RacoonBandit Wed 11-Jan-17 20:36:09

So will you stop resenting her OP or do you still think your mum should do all the things you want?

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