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I'm not wanting to apologise to my narc Mother?!

(9 Posts)
cheekymonk Wed 11-Jan-17 20:16:54

My Mother is a most definitely a narcissist. We've had problems for years and have the pattern of getting on for a few weeks then having a disagreement. Recently my Sister (she is 34 and single) has had a benign Brain rumour removed. She is recovering and doing well after 5 years of severe depression which has alleviated since having op. My Mother however is in martyr mode, she is worn out from the last few years and cannot cope she says. My sister has been living with her the last 2 months. My Dad cares for his Mum and lives with her. I have my DH and 2 autistic children. Sister and Mother stayed with me over Christmas, sister stayed longer as did not want to go back to Mums. Apparently Mum went to hit her one day. Sister was vile to Mum day after op so Mum was equally vile back. I was appalled at the contempt I saw between them and the lack of care and compassion my Mum showed. She didn't help my sister manage her medication or comfort her when she was pacing at night, unable to sleep. My Mum has lived alone for 10 years and has severe OCD. My sister is severely restricted in where she can go in house, when she can have shower, not allowed heating on too long- the list goes on. When my sister went back to Mums, an hour's drive away my Dad came to get her, Mum ordered that sister was fed and to stay with Dad as she would be out until 6. She was seeing a guy she occasionally sees. In the argument I had with my Mum recently when I said that I didn't feel welcome in the family home she said that the children need more discipline and I allow them to jump on furniture etc and it is too much for her to have my family of four there. I just feel so angry with her over the treatment of my Sister and for this comment. I want her to fuck off to the other side of fuck not apologise!!! AIBU?

cheekymonk Wed 11-Jan-17 20:18:32

She has asked, through my sister, for me to apologise which I don't want to do.

Crumbs1 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:19:48

Sounds like the entire family, yourself included, is not who you'd want as neighbours, to be honest.

cheekymonk Wed 11-Jan-17 20:20:35

What's that meant to mean Crumbs?

Chloe84 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:27:30

Can your sister not move in with your your dad?

Does DM's OCD mean she struggles to deal with people in her house? If you're not welcome at your mum's then don't make her welcome at yours too often.

Do your kids jump on her furniture? That's completely unacceptable.

cheekymonk Wed 11-Jan-17 20:38:23

Hi Chloe, There is no space at my Dads. His DM really dislikes my sister.
That's what I find hard, I feel like I must step up to bring the family together, and so DM and sister stay over, I did usual buffets and meals over Xmas with my Dad too.
Yes my Mum doesn't thrive off having people in the home. She said she felt exposed having my sister stay there.
My DS is 11 and is fine but by DD, can jump on the beds/settee yes. It was extra hurtful as mum said she will have them when I am not there as they don't do it when it's just her and DD. DS doesn't want to stay there anymore.

fc301 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:58:15

cheekymonk people without experience of narcissists will struggle to appreciate what you're going through, hence some of the comments.
What rings true for me is when you have criticised her (saying you don't feel welcome) she has hit back nastily by criticising your children. Ignore those comments. I don't have any answers for you but her treatment of your sister certainly shows a distinct lack of care, compassion, nurture, mothering, emotional availability.
If you join the Stately Homes thread under relationships we are there for you x

cheekymonk Wed 11-Jan-17 22:03:46

Thank you fc301 x

wannabestressfree Wed 11-Jan-17 22:17:46

Could your sister go home and have carers? To help her and share the care?
I know how you feel my mum is the same!

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