To be civil to my ex?(10 Posts)
I just want some advice on how to react to my ex. Unfortunately i have started to see him around quite often as we have moved back near to the area he lives and he shares a large part of my friendship group. He is often at events which i am invited to.
We broke up 5 years ago and at first i misguidedly tried to remain friends but eventually saw that this was not going to be possible, especially after i had had a child because of the nature of the things he had done to me and his lack of remorse and trustworthyness. So i cut all contact with him.
Basically he very seriously abused me throughout our relationship. Amongst other things he stabbed me in the neck with a fork, bit my face so badly i couldnt go into work, knocked me out with the kettle, threw the tv at my head, tied me to the bed with my own hair and numerous other weird and quite traumatic attacks, i was often frightened he would kill me as he would try and strangle me and i thought he would be too drunk to know if i was breathing or not.
He has very serious addiction problems. I do feel sorry for him and hes deteriorated alot since we were together 5 years ago, he just looks like a shell of a human being he drinks pretty much constantly.
Ive no real strong feelings either way positive or negative towards him any more and when i see him out i wont be engaged in conversation with him but i wont leave the event and im not nasty to him.
My problem is though that i think that people dont realise the serious nature of what he did as i seem to just accept him. I even get people coming and telling me about what a nice guy he is. I do sometimes say 'you do know he physically abused me?' but they dont really seem to process this info.
Its not that i dont want him invited to things its more that i dont know if im doing myself and other women who have been in similar situations a disservice by not making a big deal out o fit?
I just dont have the energy to be angry though or make an issue out of it and it was so long ago. But i do also feel incredibly guilty about not making an issue of it?
Do you think its okay to just let it go? I do tell people what he did if they ask me but i dont have the energy to run a vendetta.
How should i be reacting?
I'd completely ignore him. And instead of 'you do know he physically abused me?' I'd say to anyone who said how nice he was "He wasn't nice the day he stabbed me in the neck" or "Not when he bit me on the face he wasn't" and then if the same person mentioned how nice he was again I'd ditch them.
Tbh if he's a big part of that group, and they know what he did to you, I'd spend my energy making new friends.
I didnt know what to write. But lala has said it. TELL people what he did. Few people believe domestic abuse victims so make them listen. Then yes, walk away if they dont believe you. #ibelieveyou
What PPs said. You could also show them scars if you have any.
the problem its a very big group of friends and friends of friends. So i think its coming across like a rumour that people hear but then they see me not react to him at events so they assume it must not be true. I dont think anyone wants to deal with it tbh and neither do i!! But then i worry about other women who might be going thru similar who see this type of reaction.
A couple of close friends saw injuries at the time so they know for sure but again everyone is civil to him because i am and i just wonder if i am doing the right thing? should i publicly confront him? or does this not matter after so long? It gets to me that someone could hear these rumours and be going thru similar and not bother to tell anyone because they think no one really cares anyway?
he stabbed me in the neck with a fork, bit my face so badly i couldnt go into work, knocked me out with the kettle, threw the tv at my head, tied me to the bed with my own hair and numerous other weird and quite traumatic attacks, i was often frightened he would kill me as he would try and strangle me
Did you report these attacks?
No. I had to call the police on one occasion and had a friend call the police on another but at the time i didnt want to get him into trouble i stupidly felt sorry for him and somehow responsible.
You're obviously in a new relationship now and have since had a child.I don't think that you should be deprived of your social circle,but maybe you do need to have a good think about who are proper friends and act accordingly.
Sadly,wrongly & as hard as it is I don't see how you can warn others about him as others are blind to his
violence & abuse charms.
It still isn't too late to report the assaults.
I wouldn't want to live in the same Continent as someone who did all that stuff to me, let alone breathe the same air as him.
So being civil to him would somewhat miss the point!
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