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AIBU? And WWYD?

(20 Posts)
IEA Wed 11-Jan-17 12:11:52

Hi everyone, just a bit of a family dilemma that I could do with some advice for.

Firstly, let me say that I love my mum, she is a great mum however she's driving me mental at the moment! I feel like I spend way to much time with her & that I don't have much space or time on my own.

My main problem is this: there has been a new playgroup started in the next village along from mine. I take my DD there as she enjoys it & it's a good chance to meet other mums who are local (not many other nice groups in my area). I don't have too many friends tbh, as most live far away. The thing is......my mum has started coming along to this group as well.....every week. How do I tell her that for me, the whole point of going is to talk to other mums which obviously doesn't happen if I'm sat talking to my mum all the time. She did the same thing when I started doing buggy walks locally with DD as well. She would always come to. It's making me not want to go to these things anymore which is a shame for both me & DD.

My mum can also be a bit rude about the people there. Things like "oh look at that woman's hair", "oh there's that fat woman who lives round the corner from me" & she doesn't really keep her voice down when she says it as she has problems with her ears. It's really embarrassing & ive told her to keep her voice down & not be so rude confused

How do I tell her that I don't want her to come with me all the time without hurting her feelings? I don't want to get a reputation as "the woman who is always with her mum/ goes everywhere with her mum"

Thanks xxx

HarryPottersMagicWand Wed 11-Jan-17 12:15:10

Firstly, stop telling her where you are going. If she asks just say "busy with DD."

Tell her nicely that you have joined these groups so you can get to know other mums and you can't do it if she is with you so you would rather go alone and you'll meet up with your mum/go over after the group/next day or whenever is convenient for you.

It sounds annoying of her. Oh and my nan does the commenting thing. It drives me mad!

Gatehouse77 Wed 11-Jan-17 12:35:28

I would explain to her the reasons you joined the group - to meet other mums/children for both yourself and your D. Ask her if you can make an alternative arrangement to meet up with her - perhaps soft play, swimming, the park, etc. where it can be useful to have another pair of eye/hands to help.

Otherwise, just be vague when she asks what you're up to. Or mention that you are going/meeting up with someone else.

DailyFail1 Wed 11-Jan-17 12:37:31

Tell her you're stopping the group then go anyway?

RebootYourEngine Wed 11-Jan-17 12:42:02

I would stop telling her where you are going or tell her you are going somewhere different.

cheekyfunkymonkey Wed 11-Jan-17 12:42:52

Can you arrange to do something different with her, so for example if the group is in the morning tell her you have plans in the morning but would love it if she would meet you In the afternoon for a walk/ other activity she would enjoy. If she then starts prying just shut her down and say you are meeting friends.

WhatchaMaCalllit Wed 11-Jan-17 12:44:54

Talk to her. Calmly explain that you joined these groups both for the benefit of your DD and you to expand your social groups.

Could you arrange to meet her after the session for a cuppa and a chat maybe as an alternative?

Do you think she is bored and that is why she comes with you on walks and to a mother & toddler session? Would there be anything for her to do that is on at the same time (in a different location) that you could suggest to her that she join?

If none of the above works, you'll have to be plain spoken and tell her straight - "Mum, I'm an adult now and I no longer need you to be with me when I join a group so I'd really appreciate it if you didn't come with me and D to X group anymore".

wifework Wed 11-Jan-17 12:49:48

If you don't want to be completely honest about it, can you make up a particular mum you have bumped into and agreed to meet there? Then you could go to hers afterwards or something.

IEA Wed 11-Jan-17 13:02:20

Ok I'm probably going to sound really ungrateful now but I see her on Monday & Tuesday mornings as it is. She very kindly comes over & looks after dd for me so I can go to the gym & dont have to put her in the crèche. I'm only at the gym for 45mins-1hour each day, then I come home & we have a cuppa & a chat etc. I'm usually back from the gym by about 10:30-11am & sometimes she doesn't leave until about 1pm. We went shopping on Friday & all day yesterday so it's not like I don't see her A LOT. Yesterday she came over at 9 & didn't leave until 5 even though she knew I had to pick my other children up from school & she could see I was trying to get dinner ready.
I'm just not sure why she wants to keep coming to this group all the time. She knows my routine so would just assume im going to this group on weds afternoon unless I tell her otherwise.
It's not purely a playgroup either, it's like a community group as well so people without children go there to have a chat & do activities like knitting & origami & stuff so I have no right to say that she can't go or should stop going. I wouldn't mind her going at all if she didn't just want to talk to me all the time & I feel bad if I try to go off & talk to someone else. I genuinely don't want to hurt her feelings & I'm a rubbish liar so don't want to lie either. I may just have to ignore her & talk to other people if she insists on coming all the time ☹️

Marcipex Wed 11-Jan-17 13:17:09

Could you confide in whoever runs the group? They could perhaps talk to your mum while you go off, involve her in a craft session or ask her to help with something.

Marcipex Wed 11-Jan-17 13:22:46

And as for rude comments about others at the group, I think you can be very direct, preferably in advance.
' I know you don't like pink hair/track suits/man buns but please don't say anything. They can HEAR you.'

wifework Wed 11-Jan-17 13:35:49

You don't sound even slightly ungrateful. You're going to have to be honest with her though with that set-up.

Servicesupportforall Wed 11-Jan-17 13:41:39

Is she lonely? Does she have no other life or friends outside of you and dgd?

dollydaydream114 Wed 11-Jan-17 13:42:42

I think you are going to have to tell her, as sensitively as you can, that you'd prefer to go to the group on your own because you really want to meet new friends. Point out how much time you spend with her already and explain that you love seeing her and are very grateful for her company and the time she spends with the kids, but you do also need some time to meet friends as well.

If you really can't bring yourself to have that conversation, then I think you should tell her that you aren't going to the group any more, but go anyway.

Next time you start something new, don't tell her in the first place, or she says she'd like to come, say 'Sorry, it's just mums and their babies, it's not really the sort of thing where you can bring a guest'.

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 11-Jan-17 13:46:25

I think she is lonely too. Are there any other groups that might suit her on her own.

I do think you need to be honest with her and perhaps make it an occasional thing eg. perhaps she could come on the first session of the month but not the others. Perhaps you could go to group but meet her for lunch after. You say you are already seeing her on other days - you just need to wean her off you.

IEA Wed 11-Jan-17 13:46:58

Some great advice 👍🏻
Service I don't think she's lonely. I hope not 😢
I see her a lot, my sister & her family live very close as well & she sees them regularly during the week. She visits her sisters most weeks & has friends that she sees in her village. She also has a regular exercise group she does so in many ways she's got a much better social life than me!

WhatchaMaCalllit Wed 18-Jan-17 08:36:37

Any update this week OP?

IEA Wed 25-Jan-17 07:21:26

Hi again everyone,
Well I haven't been to this particular group for tha last 2 weeks for various reasons. 1st week DD decided to dive & face plant off the sofa so I thought we'd give it a miss so I could keep an eye on her & make sure she was ok (she's nearly 2), 2nd week I finally got round to having my roots done which took longer than expected. It's the group today & mum has asked if I'm going. I've been fairly non-commital. Going to see where the day takes me. Think I will go though & just say to mum "excuse me for a minute while I go that to this lady/mum" & just hope that will be ok xxx

IEA Wed 25-Jan-17 07:24:39

I was with mum all day yesterday & she went over to see my sister & her children as it was my nieces birthday so I've seen her lots this week already.

Berthatydfil Wed 25-Jan-17 07:42:20

Say mum I don't want to hurt your feelings but I've spent all day yesterday and I saw you x day and y day with you so I'm going to make an effort to speak to A B snd C (mums) at the group as I r not seen them for ages. Up to you if you want to come and talk not a couple on nan's or do the crafts et. but I'm not going to sit with you for the whole session.

Make you own way there and back.

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