To want my DH to stay in his current job for a while?(15 Posts)
First time posting in AIBU I think but want to know if I am being unreasonable (please don't be too hard though!).
I have always been very career focused, I got a degree and then post grad degree to become qualified in a particular profession. I was lucky that I had a lot of support from my parents, both financially and emotionally.
DH on the other hand is very intelligent but not academic in the same way as I am. He absorbs information on any subject that interests him which I really admire, and he is extremely intelligent just in a different way to me. He has so many interests and is captivated by many different subjects. However he lacked support and guidance from his parents (that's a whole different thread), left college and has drifted between different jobs for the last decade.
I thought he had finally found a job he enjoyed but he has only been there for about 6 months and is already talking about moving on. I also supported him during a period of unemployment. I'm finding the pressure of not knowing if we have a stable future very hard, plus not knowing if I need to support us both on one wage again.
But at the same time I want him to be happy and follow his dreams. I guess I just want him to stick with one job for a while without dreaming of the next opportunity, AIBU?
I think this would make me very anxious, have you spoken to him about this and explained how it makes you feel?
YANBU. No harm in looking for the next opportunity but he should only leave his job when he has another one lined up.
Mortgage/rent don't get a break, so neither should he.
Does he have a "dream", as in something he desperately wants to get into?
^^ He needs another job before leaving. He needs to consider his pension too.
Yes to the above, should only leave when next job is lined up and also if he has drifted for a while, if this job isn't horrendous he should probably stay longer than 6 months just to show he can! Less likely to get hired if they think he'll get bored soon
Tell him he can leave once he has another permanent job lined up. It's not fair for one partner to shoulder the financial burden unless a) it's agreed, or b) it's through no fault of their own - illness or similar.
You don't get to just quit your job and be unemployed/drift around doing nothing when there are bills to be paid!
I think it is fine as long as he is employed or looking for jobs before resigning from a previous one. Bring acedemic does not mean you will earn more but make it clear you will not cover him if he chooses to be unemployed
Is he trying to change roughly within one field or area, or skipping between totally unrelated ideas? Moving up using a starter job as a stepping stone without staying so long as to be typecast is a reasonable thing to do IF the idea is to progress in a direct manner, the next job is in hand before notice is given on the first one, and everyone in the household is OK with the impact of doing this (if you are a household together). You don't really get the final say in his choices, but equally it would be unreasonable for him to expect you to trail him around the country swapping jobs every six months, or to subsidise him to work indefinitely, etc.
How old are you both - is the problem actually this move, or are you looking ahead to the four jumps after this, which prevent you ever saving for a house deposit together or having children? Those might be deal-breakers, and better to decide now if they are and make your boundaries clear. Would you be happy if he wanted to be the SAHP and you return to full time work asap to support the family on just your wage if you had a baby together?
Does he have a life plan? It sounds as if you do, are you compatible in other ways to do with planning and thinking ahead - does he save, does he have ambitions (travel, hobby goals etc) outside work and manage to follow them through? (eg: is he restless and fidgety or able to commit but literally just in the wrong job).
He has a dream, and it is something we can do together due to joint skills. However I envisioned it as a 'see how it goes whilst still having a job' kind of thing. However I don't want to ruin his dreams, and he is very talented but was never encouraged to follow his dream, therefore I don't want to be negative, just realistic. Thank you for the responses
Zebbie it is different fields. I really want him to go for it but at the same time it isn't realistic right now. We are both 30ish and would like to start a family within the next couple of years. We have briefly discussed the idea of DH being SAHP as I will probably earn more and he might have the chance to start setting up his own business (says the naive non parent!) however the nature of my work isn't that secure and reliant on funding. Maybe I'm just projecting my own career concerns onto DH, I just don't know. He is an amazingly talented person and I don't want to quash that. Just maybe start in his spare time and then expand? I've offered to do any kind of admin to support hi .
He needs to learn how to stick at something and he cant just quit his job while there are bills to pay. Tell him you wont be paying his way while he wanders through life picking and choosing jobs. It isnt fair.
Oh and we are totally committed in other ways, we have similar goals and hobbies (but also individual interests). We are good together, I know that, he is my best friend. This is my one concern I think.
I didn't mention before as I was wary about saying too much, but he left his last job due to depression, it was an awful place. I feel guilty because I knew he wanted to leave but I encouraged him to stay because I was worried how we would cope financially. I will always feel guilty about that
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