Frustrating MIL(25 Posts)
Aibu to think that my MIL is a dose. Apparently I should kiss the ground at DH feet everyday because he is so amazing . I love dh and he is so good to me and ds'. I know this though and I feel like this point out the obvious crap that she is spouting is disrespectful to me. So AIBU??
Smile and nod; your DH is supposed to be good to you and your children, no extra credit should be awarded for this - just as I'm sure you're good to him. I'm sure you're good to your MIL also - is she very grateful for this?
Tell her she's lucky she has a dil that puts up with sexist comments like that?
She says things like, you're so lucky to have a man like my wee son. If she is there and he makes the tea for example she'd say to me, are you not really embarrassed that your husband has to make the tea for your guests? I have a world of patience but sometimes id love to have a short, sharp response that would put her in her place. If I make dinner and she calls in, the dinner would either be too healthy or not healthy enough. Or that's not the way my wee son likes his lasagne!
Answer and challenge her and tell your DP to make it clear that he thinks he should be prepared to make the tea.
He needs to also point out that he chose you, as you are and doesn't want you to change.
Just say 'actually I'm more embarrassed that my husband is referred to as 'my wee son' by his mother as if he's about two years old'
Your wee son is all grown up and has a wee son of his own now mil, so he does.
Think she'd be wearing the lasagna though op so fair play to you for gritting your teeth
How does your husband behave around his mother? Is he a mama's boy? Does he just let it wash over him?
Maybe you could have a private chat and explain to him that you find this irritating. That way, you could both present a united front and your DH could show his mum that he's a big boy now!
It all depends on what kind of person your MIL is, and what kind of thing you could see yourself saying. Everyone has different strategies - it depends on your personality really.
Some ways of responding:-
*Completely ignore the comments. Don't rise to the bait. Carry on talking about something as if she'd never spoken.
*Think of some smart-ass funny comebacks - maybe she'll give up.
*Every time she says something, cuddle up to DH and smooch with him, cooing about how you know what a lucky girl you are. If she sees every remark bringing you closer, she might feel uncomfortable with it.
*Have it out with her and just say that this is 2017, feminism has happened and you don't like this twee 1950s stuff and would she please stop.
*As a pp said, your DP could take a role in defending you and himself.
Only you know what would work for you all.
WRT the tea, I'd reply that I'd be really embarrassed if my wee boy doesn't make the tea for guests when he's grown up, but luckily his father is providing and excellent example so hopefully that day with never come.
Then smile sweetly at her, with a head tilt.
My DH has on more than one occasion had private chats and told her to cool her jets with no joy. He is anything but a mamas boy, in fact they were estranged for some years after his parents separated and MIL was so rude to me all the time ( you're not good enough etc) and DH said they would part ways if she couldn't be civil with me. After ds was born they got re aquatinted and although her remarks aren't directly to me, after all she is praising her son, it's slipping past my DH unnoticed. That is until she leaves and I have a meltdown
Just say "No, not at all. Why wouldn't he make tea?"
Pretend you are honestly confused by the question.
If they were estranged then maybe she is so impressed with the way he has turned out (your fab influence ob) she is trying to steal the credit herself as she gave birth to him and all!?
Play her at her own game
"MIL dear, do explain why you think DH should not make you a cup of tea"
Pretend to listen while you plan what film to see next
"MIL, do tell DH how you make your lasagne"
Pretend to listen as above
"What do you think DH should make us for tea?"
Pretend to listen
Keep repeating as required. If necessary, use follow up questions. "I'm still not quite sure why you don't want DH to make you a cuppa", "did you say you used tinnned tomatos and oregano?"
If you want to really put her gas at a peep, next time she criticised your meal say brightly "but DH cooked this specially for me because he knows I like be it. It's such a lovely treat to be spoiled like this!"
This is especially effective if you are having a boiled egg/beans on toast type of tea.
'actually I'm more embarrassed that my husband is referred to as 'my wee son' by his mother as if he's about two years old'
Laugh! Oh MiL, you are so old fashioned, you'll be asking me to iron his underpants next! Oh, DH, did you hear that? I'm lucky to have you, other men never make cups of tea for visitors!
If it helps, my DM suggested I ought to look after my DH better, as he had a 'proper job'. I was a full time teacher.
Eugh, have norn Irish parents/family and think there is a sexist hangover there (despite having lots of very badass women who really do seem to do it all/have it all!) I look at me and my sister and our ways of handling it - hers is smile and nod which in this scenario kind of means put up and shut up. Mine is to throw being 'likeable' to the wind and just interrogate back - 'why would you say that? No but seriously, that's fascinating, why would you really say that? What is it that you think is embarrassing about it? That's very old fashioned, do you like being very old fashioned? It's a very servant role to always make the tea, do you consider yourself a servant in the house, gosh how interesting, I wonder why that is. Don't you velieve in feminism (answer:no, obvs) wow, how interesting, in what way do you think we are unequal to men? If men are so amazing why can't they make tea?' She will loathe you but you will drive her crazy, get all the power back and EVEN BETTER rumours will fly all around the family about how you are a crazy bolshy man-hater with 'notions' and everyone will be too scared to ask you to do anything ever again. Assertive, amused confrontation goes a long way, it's my own mum who is a bit 'aren't you so lucky to have a good provider?' But many, many long, involved, painful conversations about why they wanted me to go to uni and be educated if they thought I should just be a skivvy, and why wouldn't they want better for me than that have made them so petrified of saying anything, ''tis great I can just sit in my chair and relax. (SOME OF THE TIME)
I wouldn't be able to resist saying 'why would I be embarrassed? I'm pleased he isn't an asshole who expects me to wait on him hand and foot' then smile. Every time she mentions how wonderful he is, agree. Then say 'to be honest, he is lucky he met me because no one else would be woman enough for him'. Then smile, smile, smile!
If she is there and he makes the tea for example she'd say to me, are you not really embarrassed that your husband has to make the tea for your guests?
That kind of shit really annoys me. I used to let that kind of stuff slide for the quiet life, but I swear I'm cranky and gob shitey in my old age as I can't let them pass now.
I'd be saying something like "well, he's a grown man, he's perfectly capable of making up a cup of tea just like I am."
Then carry on with whatever you're doing.
My MIL does this too OP. I just think 'welcome to fucking 1950' and ignore the mad old bat.
Put ear phones in as soon as she comes and keep them in until she leaves.
Thank you all for your helpful tips and comments. Brilliant I can't wait to try these out
I have a mental image of Ma from 'Give My Head Peace.' Tell her he's a grown man and to catch herself on
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