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AIBU to stop this girl comming round after school?

(119 Posts)
chuffinalong Tue 10-Jan-17 14:15:03

My daughter started at a special secondary school last year. She now gets a bus to school which stops outside our house. A 16 year old girl who catches the same bus, took a liking to my DD. She came up the first time with her mum and our girls played while the mum chatted to me and my DH. When the mum said that her DD would like to come and play with my DD, I said that would be lovely as they seemed to get along so well. Until then, my daughter wouldn't have friends in the house at all!
The problem is that now my DD is starting to realise that she's not very compatible with this girl, who is mentally much less able than my daughter. She enjoys very demanding, repetitive imaginary play. My daughter does enjoy the same, but on her own, following her own rules and with no one watching. The friend won't watch a film or play on the computer, so it's all quite intense for my DD.
The mum of this girl has told us that she has mental health problems and that her daughter is classed as her carer. The mum has started texting her daughter or the taxi escort lady telling them that her daughter must get off at my house as she's not well or won't be there to look after her. She doesn't even text me to let me know, or thank me for having her at all. She just assumes that it's fine for me to have her!
Now my daughter has started to say that she doesn't want her to come around anymore and asking what excuse she can make, then getting rather anxious that she'll believe her.
I've tried stopping her from getting off the bus at ours before, kind of trying to hold the bus, while saying we are going out etc, but she is very pushy and will demand to come in anyways, by saying that she just needs to drop something off, pick something up etc. She's even said 'I'll wait until you leave, then I'll go home'.
I think I must nip this in the bud, so I'm thinking of texting her mum to say that my daughter is going through a difficult time with her social anxiety and doesn't want anyone in her house after school for the time being. I'll let you know if this changes, but for now could you please make sure X knows not to get off the bus at our house. Thanks.
Do you think that's ok? Or is there a better way of letting her know? I've only met this woman twice, so I'm not at all concerned about ruining a friendship, but at the same time don't want to upset her or her daughter too much.
What would you do?

JennyOnAPlate Tue 10-Jan-17 14:17:02

Yes send that text. The mum has an absolute cheek!!

xStefx Tue 10-Jan-17 14:18:31

Yes I think what you have suggested is absolutely fine. Send the txt and nip it in the bud hun . Good luck x

BastardBloodAndSand Tue 10-Jan-17 14:18:54

Contact social services or school. This doesn't sound good at all, this vulnerable girls needs aren't being met. What if you weren't in one day ?? What would she dof then ??

I know your priority is your dd but really its this girls safety which comes first. It may turn out to be a.positive, if theyre struggling they'll probably get more support.

Justme3 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:19:37

I would be calling social services or the girls school if you know it. The situation sounds much more than a text can deal with.

showmetheminstrels Tue 10-Jan-17 14:22:40

I think that's a good text. If it doesn't work I'd speak with the school and say you do not give permission for this child to be discharged into your care.

chuffinalong Tue 10-Jan-17 14:23:32

Thanks everyone. I have wondered that myself with some of the things the girl has told me. I think I might have a word with the school.

BastardBloodAndSand Tue 10-Jan-17 14:27:17

You absolutely must speak to school at the very least. I have children with SN myself and can't imagine taking that sort of risk. This girl isn't being cared for properly.

Thinkingofausername1 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:31:47

You're becoming a babysitter 🙄
I would phone the mum to say she is not respecting your boundaries or personal space and can she tell her to stop coming

Justme3 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:34:47

If you do text you need to set clearer boundaries. If you say for the time being, she may well think she can do it again soon. I think you need to be firmer .

chuffinalong Tue 10-Jan-17 14:36:43

I know. My daughter went to her house fro a sleep over once after a lot of badgering from her friend. I felt a bit uneasy as we'd only met the mum once, but she did seem very nice and motherly. It turned out that she'd made her daughter and my 11 year old daughter go out at night to walk the dog on their own! My daughter said she didn't want to do it, but the mum said 'I'm sorry, you have too as I'm too poorly.' I only found out about this recently. I'd already decided that she wouldn't be sleeping over again as she came home stinking and said that the house wasn't like a normal house, there was so much rubbish that they had to sit outside to eat.

Badbadtromance Tue 10-Jan-17 14:37:51

Do it. You sound lovely

chuffinalong Tue 10-Jan-17 14:39:52

Ok, I'll leave out the 'for the time being'. She is very pushy, so I agree that's too soft.

Justme3 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:39:56

Good grief based on that last message please please contact social services

chuffinalong Tue 10-Jan-17 14:42:06

Thank you! smile I'll send that message, let the escort lady on the bus know, then phone the school if she still insists.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 10-Jan-17 14:42:12

My dd 9 goes to a special school, and gets transport too. What a cheek the mum has, your text sounds fine, if not call her and tell her. I would also tell the escort and driver not to drop her at your house, and also inform your dds school what is happening, as its not acceptable.

EZA15 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:42:27

She's taking liberties. Blooming heck. Did you text the girls mum? From a safeguarding issue, I agree with the pp who suggested contacting social services.

TheWitTank Tue 10-Jan-17 14:43:12

Agree with Justme3 -I would be quite concerned with this girls welfare and would contact social services.

MandyFl0ss Tue 10-Jan-17 14:44:44

Did I read correctly, a SN child is carer for her mum?

Justme3 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:44:59

From your daughter's description of the house and her mum's behaviour I don't think she is safe. As a teacher (in a special school) and a child told me this I would be speaking to the safeguarding officer immediately and they would be on the phone to social services straight away.
Please for the sake of the other girl don't delay in reporting this. SS may well be aware of the family which is great but if not they really should be

Aeroflotgirl Tue 10-Jan-17 14:45:20

I've just read your latest message, can you inform the school of what your dd said, about the house, and her dd being the mothers carer, when she is a vulnerable child herself. Can you call SS duty desk to report this, as it is very concerning. They sound like a family in great need.

Justme3 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:45:42

Furthermore if you do intend to contact social services (please do!!) I wouldn't text at all. Don't get involved without asking them for advice of what you need to do.

HardofCleaning Tue 10-Jan-17 14:46:42

If your DD was enjoying the other girl's company I would say to let it continue as the other mum might be having a hard time but since it's obviously causing your DD anxiety you definitely need to nip it in the bud. I would both send the text and also contact the school and or social services about the other girl.

chuffinalong Tue 10-Jan-17 14:46:52

Do you think it'd be best to speak to the school first? I'm sure they must be aware of the situation as she is always late for her bus and has to be phoned many times and ends up making all the children late. I hope they have looked into why this is happening.

BreconBeBuggered Tue 10-Jan-17 14:47:39

Absolutely your priority will be your own DD's needs. However this vulnerable girl is being let down badly, and since you have reason to suspect neglect you should at least be speaking to the school's safeguarding lead who will make the appropriate referrals.

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