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'OCD' dh, SAHM and control...

(17 Posts)
FiloPony Tue 10-Jan-17 11:49:04

Am I being unsympathetic? I've met no less than 3 women recently with spotless houses and OCD dh. One was discussing the relentless daily housework she does (daily hovering, 2 under 5) more organised than I was at work to manage it. Another limits play dates due to it, spotless house but boys never have friends round. It does affect socially, due to the lack of returned invites and limit to winter play. Even the garden is Astro turf perfection.

If this was my dh I'd expect him to either get professional help to manage it or do any housework above the necessary himself and not fuss about it. I find it incredibly selfish how these men are impacting their families, they do a little noisy fussy hovering or rearranging after work in a bit of a drama but make no real substantive contribution to keeping the house clean.

I can only see it as controlling behaviour, though the women seem understanding of their dh MH needs. Am I heartless? DH was depressed for a bit, I love him and made clear I always did and tried to help... but I also packed him off to the GP and had a chat about family impact and why we needed to move forward for all of us to the best of abilities. I always ask he tries, not wallows without seeking to move forward. I expect the same if myself, if the impact is on others. I got PND and he was great, but not asking for help wasn't an option, he helped me talk to people...

Aibu? Heartless?

Or are they controlling gits? They lol seem to manage at work and socially just fine without issue at all, just have their wives wiring on needs

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 10-Jan-17 12:14:52

Do they actually have OCD or are they indeed just "controlling gits"?

My DH has OCD, (not cleaning) and it is very much his own compulsion, he has to check things time and time again, it is not the same if I did it for him (and I bloody well wouldn't anyway - it would only reinforce it). It gets worse when he is stressed or depressed and to be blunt, it makes absolutely fuck all difference what I do at these times.

Surely if they had OCD, they would be the ones doing the actual cleaning?
Lots of people refer to themselves as "a little bit OCD" when they are nothing more than tidy.

PickledCauliflower Tue 10-Jan-17 12:19:51

I think it's impossible to have a spotless house with a young family. If you try and keep everything immaculate it sucks the joy out of life.
When my kids were little we hoovered and changed bedding once a week. Dusted about once a fortnight. Made sure the bathroom was clean and kitchen surfaces but didn't fret over anything else.
I think it's just weird controlling behaviour to be over the top (unless you have a real OCD conndition, and I suspect that most people don't).

PickledCauliflower Tue 10-Jan-17 12:22:27

I only bothered ironing clothes that were really creased and purposely bought clothes that didn't need ironing.
I judt couldn't find the time or energy to do it. I can only just manage it now and my kids are grown up.

DailyFail1 Tue 10-Jan-17 12:23:55

Agree with Raptor. My dh has mild ocd and anxiety and has to be the one doing the cleaning. He has never prevented dd having friends round but might occasionally follow them around with dettol wipes if he thinks they're being too messy.

HardofCleaning Tue 10-Jan-17 12:28:40

I'm with RaptorInaPorkPieHat I think usually an OCD sufferer would need to do it themselves for it to be "right". Are you sure these guys aren't just controlling and see their wives as their employees.

FiloPony Tue 10-Jan-17 12:32:43

Wel that's how I see it controlling, OCD is surely the urge to do it... not the urge to walk into a perfect house!!!
Seriously, these houses are immaculate show homes. The children are a bit curtailed in two of the houses, the other works like a demon to tidy after them.

FiloPony Tue 10-Jan-17 12:33:52

Obviously I don't know I feel hey are actually diagnosed with OCD, my guess is no..:

Astro55 Tue 10-Jan-17 12:37:23

You'll find can hold ten I these homes are very bad eaters - because of the mess and mums fussing!!

The house will be clean when they've gone!!

likewhatevs Tue 10-Jan-17 12:38:46

Like the others say - having OCD is nothing to do with making your wife clean the house. OCD is bandied around so much. Its not about being 'houseproud' or keeping the house spotless. Yes that can be part of it, but people very much associate it with 'cleaning'. DH has OCD. Some parts of it are to do with cleaning and wiping down surfaces, but mostly its ritualistic and not necessarily about cleaning (for instance having to empty the kettle and refill before every use - and using it straight away after boiling or it has to be repeated) Also counting and repeating a job. Its much worse when he's stressed. We do however have an extremely messy home (DS2 - he's like a whirlwind of mess).

This is controlling behaviour. It doesn't sound obsessive or compulsive at all. It sounds like a demanding twat.

Magicpaintbrush Tue 10-Jan-17 12:43:26

My DH is quite OCD about the house, it makes him really miserable and moody if things are dusty/dirty or out of place and he has always been this way. However - he would never expect me to do all of the housework on my own in order to maintain his standards, he does more than his fair share (although sometimes I do feel on edge and fed up with the amount of cleaning expected around the house - I've known him to vacuum a carpet first thing in the morning that I had only vacuumed the previous evening). A light layer of dust in the bathroom (2 days worth) is usually deemed "Disgusting!!!" - it's not disgusting, its just a bit dusty since it was cleaned 2 days ago.... Sometimes if he is cleaning and I am doing something else, for example helping DD with homework or actually working (I work from home freelance) then I can hear him huffing and puffing and getting ratty about it and it makes me feel like he thinks I am doing something wrong by not slaving away over the housework as well, even if whatever I'm actually doing is totally reasonable.

It's horrid when you feel somebody you live with has huge expectations and are breathing down your neck about it (whether that's keeping a spotless home or not bringing in enough money etc). This is probably what the women mentioned in the OP are experiencing. I know people whose husbands come home from work at the end of the day and give their wives a hard time because they expect their wives to have kept an immaculate home, spent time with the kids and brought home a full time wage - if they fall behind on any of these their husbands want to know why and behave as if they aren't pulling their weight. They want a Stepford wife but also another set of wages coming in. These women cannot win.

AnneTwacky Tue 10-Jan-17 13:24:48

OCD is a horrible, sometimes terrifying psychological disorder. It is NOT being fussy, pedantic or liking a nice clean house.

Sorry, just kinda hit a nerve there.

DaftJelly Tue 10-Jan-17 13:31:04

Both my BILs like a pristine house, one has diagnosed OCD. But they both do most of the housework.

I literally couldn't live with someone who needed high standards of clean and tidy. My house is clean and tidy most of the time but I need to be able to relax without doing last nights washing up if I feel like it.

Mammylamb Tue 10-Jan-17 13:42:52

I suspect that these husbands are controlling rather than having actual diagnosed OCD. I have actual diagnosed OCD and a few years ago was at breaking point because of it. Hearing people use it as an excuse for being a bit fussy gets on my wick a bit

cazzyg Tue 10-Jan-17 14:52:25

My OH lives with actual diagnosed OCD. It has fuck all to do with wanting a clean and tidy house. Typically someone with compulsions needs to undertake that activity themselves which might be handwashing or checking a door has been locked 5 times, or performing some other type of ritual.

Sorry but it's a really deliberating condition to deal with and people using it in this way upsets me. When DH was at his worst, he couldn't function and was suicidal. It's taken years of treatment to get to a point where he's happy again. It's touched a nerve with me it does when people joke about being a 'bit OCD'.

Sounds like YANBU to me

mouldycheesefan Tue 10-Jan-17 14:56:45

They sound a bit bored and that they have become over focused on housework as something to do but justify it by saying their dhs have OCD when they clearly do not. Rather than, I am bored and have become over
obsessed with cleaning as something to do or competitive cleaning where their house is cleaner than someone else's so that gives them a sense of value. They need to find something more interesting to do with their time.

harderandharder2breathe Tue 10-Jan-17 15:50:51

I'd bet anything the husbands don't have OCD. I've lived with someone who had diagnosed OCD and all her obsessions and rituals were around stuff she had to do. I've never heard of anyone who had OCD about their wife cleaning their house.

If the pressure for clean house is coming from the husband they're being controlling. But I suspect at least part of it is self inflicted pressure from the women.

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