Or am I being a self-centred cow!?!(22 Posts)
Would be really grateful for a bit of perspective here... blinded by how angry I feel...
In brief; Had DD in Feb, I'm a lone parent and my Mum plays a big part in raising DD with me, it works really well, we love it/her.
I bought my mum a house in 07 and support her fully financially (all bills, car, holidays plus an allowance, nice lifestyle after grafting for 13 years on my businesses - she chooses to keep a little job for the social aspect.) happily so, because I respect her and want the world and more for my selfless and kind Mum who just blows me away really at how much of an amazing woman she is. That's how we were raised and I believe it starts and ends with family...
My brother 31, lives at home (in my opinion is in a rut with no direction which is due to too much partying - he still financially relys on my Mum which I struggle with as i don't provide what I do for my mum for him to take advantage but I keep my opinion to myself now. Over the last year he's refused to speak to me - I have to hold my hands up that I really gave it him straight - when he turned up out of it on drink and drugs at our place in wales while I was pregnant after I asked him not to have that around me.- in the time we've had the no contact I have thought about how it must feel if he is struggling to find his way and have his sister who has a strong career and properties etc point out his faults. I'm certainly no angel so felt a bit like I was being judgmental - we are now just cordial which is a bloody shame as we're joined at the hip before.
Since the birth of DD I've been suffering with health complications, a few scary episodes where I've fainted while alone with DD and recently diagnosed with PND too - so have been spending a bit more time at my mums house for the support and she's happy with that, doors always open... the problem is I also am an incredibly light sleeper and one of the symptoms of PND is struggling to sleep despite being exhausted. There is a small box room which is a bit of a junk room with a really low single bed and thin curtains with a street lamp outside the window which I've tried to sleep in on many occasions (Mum will have collected DD from my cousins who has her two afternoons a week and got into bed with DD - but she has a little job that starts at 6am so I hop into her bed then with DD and take over.)
My mum has offered me her bed, but I'm not comfortable taking my mums bed - she's 58, never stops running around and it's just not right.. so I've ended up staying at my house then at 5am driving to mums to get into her bed when she wakes... this means when I get the chance to have a good sleep and early night (when DD goes to bed with Mum) I'm wasting it by driving at silly o clock and still having broken sleep.
My brother left for London 3 days ago to work on a 5 month job, he's now not paying his £30/wk board (imagine!!) to my mum and has mentioned trying to make it work and live there permanently....
DD is 11 months and crawling now and needs a cot for safety too - I spoke to my mum and my understanding of the conversation was that me and DD could move into my brothers room, get setup, get the cot, have spare things there and while we get through this tricky patch there's a bit more of a convenient and comfortable place to come and go as we please..
Yesterday I spent the day getting everything together, really excited about it, turned up and made us a nice meal and got Mum a card thanking her for being ace etc but then she said that my brother "might" come home at weekends, he's only working away, he's not moved and whenever he's back will need his room... it's full of his stuff he's made no effort at all for us to be sharing the space.. so I asked where would DDs cot go and didn't get a straight answer, she just said "well where would it fit in your brothers room anyway?"
I felt so angry and hurt! I feel like as a family me and my mum are team players, my brother treats the house like a student house, couldn't my mum just ask him to temporarily go out of his way and sleep in the smaller room while he's based in London and just give us a bit of respite while things are difficult? Is that too much to ask? How can she happily accept all the things I do for her yet be kind to how much I need this right now, when I'm struggling to cope, and what is it with her that she can't seem to do this simple thing???
Why does this feel like a big deal to me? I feel that mums taken me for granted and just pissed off but hurt... and confused?!?!
But I've my own big house with plenty of rooms and maybe I'm being totally selfish here???
Sorry this is so LONG!! I've totally rambled...
In suspense to see what OPs have to say if you don't mind commenting!
Your brother gets the box room when he comes home.
You are absolutely to be kind and generous but it's important to set boundaries too.
Oh dear. I think you've been a bit of a mug. You pay for this house, you pay the bills. But your mum considers your non-contributing brother to have mine of a stake in the house than you. She'll probably leave it to him in her will because "it's his home".
You should have kept the house at least partly in your name.
And I'm afraid your mother isn't a team player. She'd give up her own bed to avoid the mildest inconvenience to your brother.
So what's stopping you moving his stuff into the box room?
Thing is, your Mum doesn't want to kick your brother out - she will feel the same love for you both and I can see it's an awkward position for her to be in. Did you tell her there were strings attached when you bought her the house?
I don't understand why you're supporting them to this level when you receive little support back?
Can your mum stay with you at your house instead?
At the risk of opening a massive can of worms, can't you offer him your house to live in while you stay with your mum? Make sure he knows that it's just temporary (maybe get something in writing just in case). It might give him a sense of what it's like to be independent and he may surprise you by growing up a bit....
They aren't helping your PND. Stop supporting your mum and use that money to pay for help for yourself. Whether that help is a therapist or a live in nanny, it'll be much more beneficial for you.
Do not offer him your house. He'll move in and never move out!
Box room - replace the curtains, make it nice - no you're not being the least bit unreasonable
As others have said, replace the curtains and bed and your mum moves into the box room and you have her room.
I think your mum probably worries about your brother and doesn't want to see him 'turfed' out. If he is still not speaking to you a year after a few home truths then she probably doesn't want to run the risk of upsetting him. We all know what these sensitive family members get up to.
Thanks for the responses.
The house is in my name, it will go to DD further down the line as an investment for her future/equity for her first home..
I've not mentioned these feeling to my Mum regarding me paying for the house as the last thing I want is for her to ever feel there were strings attached to the house gift.
There's a little more to it - we had a really rotten childhood with a violent alcoholic father and were often homeless, the purchase of this house was a fresh start for us as a family (it came after I bought my own first house) and for the first time we had a stable family home that me, my sister, brother and Mum could rely on - which will always be worth more than money to me being able to provide that IYSWIM.. My Mum had a really hard life and deserves good things now....
I'm not loaded or anything though, I have to make sensible choices to be able to afford 25% of my income for her.
However, Mum has recently cut her hours at work from 5 days to 2 to provide childcare for DD so she can be with her favourite Nan Nan instead of elsewhere and it doesn't cost me anything....
Also, my brother wouldn't come to my house he's not my biggest fan I'm afraid - I tell him the truth too much I think!
I've asked Mum to tell me, as the parent what is happening - by tecut today... I did offer to get a new bed for the box room but was told not to...
We need to communicate properly with this.... it shouldn't be this difficult!
I'm just really surprised at my reaction I feel like I was kicked in the stomach kind of feeling last night, totally let down over a small thing???
Your mother is providing childcare in lieu of you paying for her bills. You have said it is her house so it is her decision who stays in it, which rooms they have etc.
What about your mum coming to stay with you in our own house?
If there is room in the box room to make a nice bedroom for dd can't you do that? Then you sleep in with your mum when brother is home and in his room when he isn't.
Yes we do stay at mine occasionally but she really misses her own bed/cat/close proximity to work - has her own housework etc
I'll suggest we just head to mine for a bit too...
Don't worry about it now, concentrate on getting some good night's sleep. When your bro comes home, he'll see the issue and your mum can explain it to him. I'm sure he'll understand. But key thing is don't worry about it now, you are just putting extra worries on yourself when you need to chill.
Thanks - that was probably TMI but assumptions can be made on here without knowing the facts surrounding a situation.
Got a bit of perspective will hash it out with DM xxx
Maybe your DM feels she has to be more protective of your DB as he's not as successful of you and she feels guilty?
I don't know if this is the case but I do sometimes find I can't fathom why my dad will do things for my DB who is younger than me. I've realised that even though we're all adults now, he still feels guilty about things that happened when we were children and feels the need to protect my DB more than me. It's just how he is.
I think it's great that your DM is such a big part of your life and such a help but I do think a step back from you might give you a bit more perspective about all of it.
Thankyou hiccup, we chatted and I've been a bit blind to her feelings over her final child flying the nest...
It's funny how close you become to your mum when you have a baby! Thank god she's so supportive really...
Our setup isn't conventional I suppose but it works for us - and I'm getting that room! Haha
Join the discussion
Please login first.