To think dp's excuse is ridiculous

[Zoflorabore]

Hi, haven't bothered to name change though am embarrassed by the situation.

Was torn between here and Relationships but I know I will get told straight here.

So a bit of background-known dp for around 18 years, were in the same social circles etc, there was an attraction but nothing happened.
I then met the father of my ds and didn't see much of dp for years though often thought about him.

Me and ds dad broke up, me and dp got together properly a few years along the line.
He was very sexually inexperienced but I never made it an issue.
Couple of years in, he moved in and we eventually had our dd.
Ds is almost 14 and dd is almost 6.

Relationship has been rocky, feels like there are two separate families under one roof, he finds fault with ds a lot. Ds has autism.

To cut to the chase, without bringing up the millions of reasons the relationship is utterly crap, he is completely uninterested in sex.

He has never had a high sex drive, I accepted that.
For the last 6-9 months on the rare occasion it has happened, he has been very strange and has not been able to ejaculate.

Again, soft arse here is very understanding.

For various reasons it has all kicked off tonight and he told me that the reason he doesn't want to have sex with me is because I make him sick as I help ds with washing his hair and with his school shirt and tie and as he is fully developed ( he is like a man ) it's putting him off me

I have never heard of anything so pathetic, ds is high functioning and pretty independent, he has an active social life and tons of friends but needs help with a few things.

Dp will not take any responsibility for the situation and blames my ds for everything, I'm so angry. I feel neglected and to be honest I want him gone. House is mine and I told him that nobody will come before my children.

Aibu to think this is a smokescreen?
I have little niggles that he's maybe gay, call it gut instinct. I don't know.

Sorry for such a long post, I need to get this out, my family are going through hell at the moment with a terrible situation so I don't want to burden them.
Thanks for reading, zoflo :)

[DJBaggySmalls]

I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all. It does sound like a smokescreen but I wouldn't want to speculate.
My advice would be to run for the hills.

[DustyMaiden]

If it isn't true he's a prat, if it is true he's a bigger one.

[Pinkgeek]

Not much of a 'd'p is he?! I would sit down with him and explain how you feel. If he is still unreasonable then consider separation.

[Zoflorabore]

Thank you both for reading, I feel desperately sorry for ds and have told dp I want him out but think he would rather apologise profusely, buy flowers and brush it all under the carpet.

Mentally and physically I'm unwell and he is not supportive, I also have OCD and clean clean clean I can't help it, he still called me a lazy bitch as he works and i don't.

[Zoflorabore]

Pink- you're right, I even felt uncomfortable typing that :)

He just brings everything back to ds. It's cruel.

[mynachos]

so helping your ds with with lifeskills is putting him off you? i call bullshit. hes inventing reasons to not be with you

[Pinkgeek]

He sounds emotionally abusive...

[TooSmittle]

Eh? That doesn't make any sense at all. How can you helping your son put him off sex with you? How can the two matters be linked? YANBU at all, he's either lying or really, really odd. It smacks of a really terrible excuse to avoid sex, especially considering he's been unable to ejaculate in the past.

It sounds like there are far deeper issues than just the sex, do you think you'll be happier on your own? Is there any chance that a serious bit of truth telling could salvage things? Do you want to?

[statetrooperstacey]

Is he jealous ? He sounds awful.

[Footle]

What a deeply nasty and insecure piece of work your partner is.

[WetsTheFinger]

Why are you with him?! Please get rid!!

[MoreBushThanMoss]

If it were me, I'd fuck him the fuck off.

He's either jealous of the attention , using your DS as an excuse, or he's got a warped sense of what constitutes sexuality.

None of which would appeal to me.

[SaucyJack]

He has ishoos with you touching your son in situations that most people would find normal.

Do you know why? Are his parents prudish? Or do they behave inappropriately?

[MoreBushThanMoss]

Or has mummy issues. Which belieeeeve me, I've dealt with my fair share of, but is absolutely one I'd be happy to farm out to a psychotherapist.

[jay55]

Jealous of a teenager with ASD, I'm surprised it isn't your sex drive that has dropped off the earth.

Move on, you know you can.

[Butteredpars1ps]

Right you are definitely not unreasonable. I'm so sorry, it sounds to me like "D" P has crossed a line with you and there is no going back. Nor should there be IMO.

I know you wanted straight talking, but I guess you really need support. Perhaps you could put this in relationships?

[RainbowJack]

I told him that nobody will come before my children.

Then why don't you show it.

Stop the emotional abuse and get him out.

The way he treats you and your DS is not on.

[SaucyJack]

Agree with the psychotherapist thing Bush. Assuming that he's telling the truth about his feelings, it'd be quite interesting to pack him of to a Freudian shrink and find out what he finds so sexually threatening about the OP helping her son with his hair or tie.

Summat going on somewhere.

Or you could just kick the freak out.

[Ginkypig]

I'm sorry but he sounds like a supremely repulsive person in every respect!

Honestly there doesn't even sound like there's a relationship worth working on.

If I were in your situation I'd have absolutely no qualms about ending it and moving on.

for your sons sake he needs out of all of your lives (although I do understand he is your daughters father)

[TaytoCrisp]

Sounds like a dreadful situation for you, your ds and dd. I think smokescreen of some sort sounds likely.

Thinking of you.

[TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN]

You have done the right thing telling him to go, now you need to stick with it. If he thinks some flowers from the service station and a quick 'shove it under the rug' are going to work he's wrong. You cannot let him stay after saying that. It's VILE. Utterly VILE. He's saying you get sexual pleasure out of helping your son, fucking hell. Do you and your son a favour and get this tool,out if your house immediately.

[ijustwannadance]

Make him leave. Your mental health will most likely improve too once he's gone.

[Liiinoo]

For whatever reason he doesn't seem to be sexually attracted to you. He may be gay (and if you feel he might be, you should listen to your instincts) or he might have a very low sex drive. No shame there, lots of people would prefer a nice cup of tea. In itself that needn't be a big deal, lots of people have solid and loving relationships without sex.

What are big issues are firstly your mismatched libidos, if you want more sex and physical affection and than he does it will impact negatively on your relationship, as you are currently experiencing. And even more importantly his blaming your very healthy and loving relationship with your son for his lack of desire is a big red flag.

You seem to have very sound instincts around this issue. Listen to them. He may well be a very nice man but from what you say he is not the man for you or for your family.

[TheSockGoblin]

It sounds like he is jealous of your son. That's awful.

And calling you a lazy bitch is abusive.

He sounds horrible tbh.

[Atthebottomofthegarden]

His reason is so bizarre that I think it is probably true, just not very well expressed. I would guess he is very jealous of the time and care you expend on DS. And maybe he thought that as DS got older the care you gave him would decrease, and is only now realising that is not the case?

To be frank it's a non-issue now anyway, why on earth would you want to have sex with him any more?

Finish it. You know it's the best thing to do.