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To wonder if anyone has continued to struggle to bond with their child

(118 Posts)
cherrycrumblecustard Mon 09-Jan-17 21:45:22

After babyhood, really, is it very common?

Flamingo1980 Tue 10-Jan-17 13:20:19

A bit more info would probably generate more replies.....?

My bond has certainly had its weak moments as my daughter gets older and more independent and it feels like she rejects me a bit sometimes. It's probably more in my head than in real life though!

Trifleorbust Tue 10-Jan-17 13:27:03

I imagine lots of people have.

mostimproved Tue 10-Jan-17 13:31:17

Sadly yes, due to depression. I always felt like I was pretending to be a mum but didn't feel a real bond, more a fear of something happening to him which would reflect badly on me (sounds awful when I put it like that.) Now 5 years on it's so much better, due to meds mainly. I don't think my own mother had much of a bond with me so that doesn't help. I think it's definitely something that can be worked on and doesn't necessarily come as naturally as we are led to believe, and I think sometimes your own issues with yourself can prevent you bonding with your child.
Hope things get better for you anyway flowers

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 10-Jan-17 13:31:57

I struggled not so much to bond with dd after birth but to have any feelings for her. I still went through all the motions of holding kissing cuddling her ect, but like I said There were no feelings of motherly love until she was about 16 months, and I just fell in love.
The sun shines out of her backside now.
My friend was forever talking about this instant bond, but I had to grow to love my dd.

user1471537877 Tue 10-Jan-17 14:30:54

I always thought I had a normal mother baby relationship with my first child

however when my second child was born 15 months later a friend commented when number 2 was about 4 months that our interaction was much more relaxed than with first child

At the time I was puzzled however on reflection a decade later I think she saw something no one else did as my first child has finally been diagnosed with ASD

The problem was not in how I was with child but actually a red flag indicating an underlying condition with the child which only became evident as the child got older and less able to cope and mask

FrankAndBeans Tue 10-Jan-17 14:31:41

I did with DD1 until 2/3.

downwardfacingdog Tue 10-Jan-17 15:15:29

Yes. And it's probably more common than people think because parents are ashamed to admit it.

cherrycrumblecustard Tue 10-Jan-17 15:51:55

Thanks for replies. Sorry for not including more information. Wasn't sure what to say really. I love my eldest dearly yet at the same time I don't feel properly bonded, and I'm not sure I ever have. I used to kid myself it was fine but maybe it's not.

Billchan Tue 10-Jan-17 16:09:59

I feel the same. I didn't realise that I hadn't bonded well until subsequent children came along. He's quite a difficult child personality wise, whereas my others are very happy go lucky children. I think our lack of bond has probably caused that. Im not sure what to do about it as I've tried being more patient and spending more time with him, but I don't think it's helping.

minipie Tue 10-Jan-17 16:14:45

Why don't you feel bonded? What do you think a bond feels like, that you don't have?

I'm watching with interest as I sometimes wonder about this. I love my DC but I feel quite objective about them. For example I didn't think they were beautiful as babies, though they are lovely now they're older (but most small DC are lovely, I don't think mine are the most beautiful unlike some parents I know...). I don't think the sun shines out of their backsides grin I think they are wonderful in many ways but less than perfect in many others. I don't know if that's a lack of bond or more the fact that I'm a very rational unsentimental person?

Introvertedbuthappy Tue 10-Jan-17 16:21:59

Cherry that's good that you've recognised it, the thing is what are you going to do about it?

My mother had PND (not diagnosed, but from what was described and the fact my father felt worried enough to hire a full time nanny to help her speaks volumes) and never bonded with me properly. She did with my brother who was born 2 years later and I can't tell you the number of years I have spent wondering what is wrong with me and why she lives my brother more. She has always been so natural with him and so hard on me even though I'm a classic over-achiever (desperately trying to please a mother who I will never be good enough for) whilst my brother fucks up his life repeatedly whilst my mother bails him out. The fact she 'acts' a good mother for me has fucked me up in so many ways. Please try and seek support for both of your sales.

Billchan Tue 10-Jan-17 16:25:34

I think I had undiagnosed PND with my first which is probably where the problem started. Your post has struck a cord with me introverted in know I'm hard on my eldest but I'm not sure if that because he's the oldest or do to with bonding issues.

Introvertedbuthappy Tue 10-Jan-17 16:29:22

It will probably be both. I am the eldest and my mother has always expected the world of me - I am held to far higher standards than my brother. I try so hard to please her but occasionally the hurt and anger bubbles up and she comes down on me like a ton of bricks. She with-held affection to show disapproval which I suspect she found a relief to the 'act' she put on. I think she thought she hid it well, but it was obvious to me that it was all an act, and that she obviously had to try really hard to love me. That has really messed me up knowing that.

cherrycrumblecustard Tue 10-Jan-17 16:52:07

I don't know. The problem is, people are just posting now to make me feel bad.

ruthsmumkath Tue 10-Jan-17 17:00:41

I haven't ever really properly bonded with one of mine - i have mentioned it to DH before but other than that I try to put it to the back of my mind.

Not sure how helpful that is - sorry.

cherrycrumblecustard Tue 10-Jan-17 17:05:01

How old are they ruth? It's a horrible feeling. I don't honestly know where to start. It's not that I don't love him. It's not as straightforward as that.

FrankAndBeans Tue 10-Jan-17 17:05:05

Ignore everyone else cherry you'll only end up like that if you don't talk about it and work through the feelings.

Introvertedbuthappy Tue 10-Jan-17 17:39:05

Cherry I don't see anyone making you feel bad...just that if you do nothing about it it will definitely be noticed. I have horrendous self esteem due to it. I wish almost every day that my mother had taken ownership of the feelings she had (like you seem to be doing). In fact she is still in denial.

I wish you and your children luck in overcoming this.

cherrycrumblecustard Tue 10-Jan-17 17:45:50

Yes but the opposite of do nothing is do something and what can you do about something you can't understand yourself

Cazz81 Tue 10-Jan-17 17:56:00

I only started to bond now with my son at 2.5yrs old. Find it a real struggle from 0-2yrs old.

PostTruthEra Tue 10-Jan-17 18:01:34

It took me a couple of months, and then suddenly I fell in love with DS. I can see it might take longer for other too, and so I imagine this is more common than people admit.

PostTruthEra Tue 10-Jan-17 18:04:05

Also, as I fear this is the sort of story shit journalists may pick up on - fuck you daily mail!

ItsTimeForDuggee Tue 10-Jan-17 18:14:33

It's more common than people realise cherry because it's hard and people don't feel like they can talk about it and more importantly they don't know who to talk to about it and unfortunately depending on where you live depends on what support is available. If you have a Hv I would speak to them about it as they will know/ be able to find out about what is available in your area. I spoke to my Hv about it and to other people like ds nursery which helped. for me it was multitude of reason my pregnancy and first year of ds life was very hard I also had undiagnosed pnd as ds got older it got harder and ds has some Sen. I first spoke about it when he was 3 and I felt much better for it. I was very hard on myself and felt guilty Alot becauase most people around me would talk about how much they missed their children when they were at school or with family I didn't and I still don't and that's ok it doesn't mean I dont love him any less. Be kind to yourself cherry your not alone and don't be to hard on yourself about it flowers

Chunder Tue 10-Jan-17 18:35:54

My son is 6 now and I don't think we have much of a bond at all. I do love him and want the best for him but I don't think he is the most wonderful, amazing child in the world and being a mum is definitely not my greatest achievement or a great source of pride for me. I feel guilty about it sometimes but I don't think it makes me a bad person or a bad parent (though I'm sure lots of people would disagree).

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