To want a break?(35 Posts)
Getting ready for a bit of a roasting on this one but...
I've been with dh 10 years. We have ds, 1. Since the start of the relationship I have been the breadwinner.. dh had some issues with debt which I paid off and I have fully paid for all our houses rent etc. And mortgage since.
Dh and I have always agreed that I have more earning potential so I should have support to focus on my career - so when I had ds the plan was for dh to take on childcare and be house husband when I went back to work. My dh is a great dad no question.
I also wanted ds to get the experience of other children and other things so he's also in nursery three mornings a week.
I work in a challenging job and am exhausted when I come home.
The thing that's bugging me is twofold. One is that when I walk through the door dh nearly throws ds at me to look after - i feel like ds is always only seeing one of us at a time esp in the evenings. On the weekend we take it in turn to get up early but again it's one on one with Ds. I then do dinner and bedtime then usually fall asleep on the sofa. This happens at weekends too - when I have a shower I have to do it with ds or have him in his cot nearby with the door open.
The other thing is that the house is a disaster. The toilets always seem to be disgusting and so I find myself doing a bunch of cleaning at the weekend too. Dh does all the washing which is great but only puts his and ds stuff away and leaves mine out for me to do.
I just feel exhausted and weary. Am I being unreasonable to just want a bit of a break? I feel like all my spare time (when ds is asleep) is taken up by sleeping myself to catch up. I've spoken to dh about doing something to get a bit of my identity back and he said he'd be happy for me to do something of an evening for example after ds has gone to sleep.
I'm worried this is going to drive a wedge between us as I'm starting to feel grumpy that he gets three mornings a week to himself while I'm at work and the house is still a tip. I feel like I'm just existing and although I love my baby to bits I feel like a bad mum because I'm so tired i can feel myself zoning out and relying on the tele too much to distract him.
To top it all off dh is now talking about getting a dog.
The dog (although I love them) will just be more work so don't go there for now.
I think whichever parent is at home should be responsible for the house and it shouldn't be disgusting. (I know that view isn't popular on here)
I find it odd that he just doesn't sort your clothes when he does his own also.
I think definitely try and do an activity even if only once a week when your little one is in bed. Also I think a chat is in order about the house.
That sounds like my arrangement with my DH, he works mon-fri, two kids who spend two half days at nursery. The difference is he doesn't take care of cleaning, laundry or food shopping. I also do most of the cooking. I say this just to make my position clear.
No, it's not terribly fair that he gets those mornings to himself and you don't, but I would imagine that any tidying etc gets undone by hometime, and being at home with kids or carting round nursery picking them up is draining too, so he's probably keen for you to come home.
Can you do alternative bath and bedtimes?
He does dinner.
Weekend sounds fair enough, split down the middle.
Can you take a day off when son is in nursery, have some time for yourself?
Maybe some evenings you go straight out to a hobby/gym etc. He puts baby down.
Get a cleaner. I have one and I'm at home. I'm looking after children, not a drudge.
YANBU. However, did your DH work before your child came along and did he enjoy it? If so, maybe he's feeling a bit lost without his career too, and misses being with other adults? SAHMs often feel this so maybe he is too? Is there any option of him doing any work (obviously depending on what he does) on the mornings your child is in nursery? Could he think about working 2 days a week and you changing your son's nursery to 2 full days instead of 3 mornings?
With regards to cleaning etc I might get roasted for this too, could you afford a cleaner? You shouldn't have to, and I know lots will say oh just make DH clean, but if it helps you I would do it.
I also think with regards to him giving you your DS as soon as you get in- I was guilty of that too when my DH came come- (I now work part time) maybe you could suggest him him having a night or two a week where he goes out (for a run or whatever) when you get home to get some space but otherwise you're happy to have DS for a bit but it'd be nice to have some time all 3 of you?
Also thinking that if you did get a cleaner weekends could be family time.
I totally get the thing of you being irritated that he has 3 mornings a week to himself, how long is this?
Op that sounds like my life - except we have 6 kids and 4 dogs.
Pardon me if I read some responses and maybe steal some suggestions?!
This is exactly the same set up as me. I could have written it asides that I'm pregnant with number 3 DC. Hubby works 2 days week part time I work 3 long days full time yet still do most of the cleaning and childcare when I'm home. I've had to had a swropus chat with DH regarding it all cause I was like you. Absolutely knackered. It helped for us to have a week away without DC. DH told me how wonderful it was to have 'me' back. I told him it was because I didn't have the strain of nearly singlehandedly running the whole household. I also made him make all the decisons while we were away to make a point. It's really helped.I think it allowed him to see I wasn't just a nagging wife but an exhausted one and he ha's been much better since. Communication is the key really x
Thanks all for the posts. Dh won't let me hire a cleaner as he doesn't like people going through our stuff his words.
I have a few days off work soon when ds will be in nursery so looking forward to putting me feet up a bit.
I'm fine with mess really - it's the cleaning thing that gets to me. And I feel like a giant nag.
Re his career he's really happy being a sahd. I guess I'm just struggling with being so tired. Is this just normal motherhood? We've never had a night away from ds (not really anyone to look after him).
If he won't let you get a cleaner and you are working 5 full days and he gets 3 mornings a week to himself then he needs to help with the cleaning. Talk to him. Say you are finding it all too much and devise a list of jobs that need doing around the house and agree who will do what. And I'd take him up on the offer to do something for yourself once a week!
Don't get a dog. I love ours but it will just add to the workload.
I work part time, DP works full time shifts. I am guilty of basically pushing DS2 onto him as he walks in the door sometimes. It's exhausting looking after DS2, 17 months. I get much more 'me' time at work.
It's strange that he doesn't sort your clothes. Have you asked him why?
I would accept the mess if your DS wasn't at nursery 3 times a week. That's plenty of time to keep on top of the housework.
We have jobs that are our own. I do the washing, hoovering, cleaning. DP is very good and will take DS2 out so I can do some of these. DP walks the dog, does the washing up, cleans the bathroom. It works for us.
When we're both at home it normally is one of us entertaining DS2 while the other does cooking/cleaning/ any thing else that needs doing!
DS2 has only been away from us for about 6 hours since he's been born and we don't go out as much as we used to but I know from DS1, 13 that things get much easier as they get older. I'd think about doing something after DS2 goes to bed but he still feeds to sleep and I normally fall askeep not long after
YANBU at all. You DH needs to up his game. So he is a SAHD of only one child, has 3 mornings child free during the week but can't even keep on top on the cleaning? No way! No wonder he likes being a SAHD- it certainly doesn't sound too taxing. You need to have a frank discussion with him and list all the cleaning he is missing. Perhaps he is just oblivious to what needs to be done. You certainly shouldn't be coming in from a full time job to cook and clean. It's no wonder you are shattered. You are doing too much and he isn't pulling his weight. Anyone with the luxury of being a stay at home parent to one child should surely manage it. Suggesting getting a cleaner as the solution is hilarious.
I agree bunny he has plenty of time to sort out the house on his mornings without the little one. Why should the op fund a cleaner as well? Ridiculous.
He's taking the absolute piss by not doing it and by also refusing a cleaner.
I'm sahm but quite unwell so can't keep on top of cleaning at moment. DP doesn't feel like he can take on anymore than. He already does (which is a lot) so we have a cleaner who does two hours weekly and I ask her to concentrate on bathrooms/toilets, kitchen and generally hoover house top to bottom..
It makes a massive difference
I also send my DP. Work shirts n trousers weekly to the dry cleaners at the top of road from me, he did ironing for one pound per item. So costs about six quid a week but saves us a whole lot of extra stress.
What I'm saying it he is unreasonable to not do it an also refuse to entertain any other options! Basically leaving you no choice but to do it yourself
I think YANBU. It is fair enough for him to hand over your DS for a while when you get home, as being with a toddler all day is a huge drain, but you shouldn't be the default carer in the evening. That responsibility should be split. Dinner and bath/bedtime should be alternated. Most cleaning needs to be done when he is off without the baby. And he needs to put your bloody washing away! How rude.
Ultimatum time, either he cleans or you get a cleaner. End of.
YANBU! One child and three free mornings a week means that he should absolutely be responsible for all household jobs. It's only fair. I would say exactly the same about a SAHM in a similar situation (presuming no ill health etc). Getting a cleaner isn't a solution, him pulling his weight is.
He won't entertain other options as he doesn't see it as his job in the first place. If he was having to actually do the cleaning then I'm sure he'd be much more keen to outsource it.
Until my DS started school I was your DH in this situation, perhaps slightly different in that my DS was a terrible sleeper and incredibly clingy baby so I didn't get nap time off, DS was on my boob the whole time and my DH's job was incredibly flexible, and zero stress, much more like a hobby. Even so I did almost all of the day to day house work but didn't get any of the weekly/monthly jobs done (cleaning bathroom etc). I probably was guilty of flinging DS at my DH when he got in as a was desperate for a break.
If your DS is sleeping for a few hours during the day then your DH should have a chance to do some housework and he certainly should when your DS is at nursery (although depending on how long the trip is a morning in nursery could mean only about an hour for your DH at home).
Putting away all the laundry apart from yours is ridiculous - if he's doing the laundry he should put it all away. On the other hand I can understand him not wanting to be permanently on call - it should be equal amounts of free time. If you're doing bedtime with DS (which makes sense if you haven't seen him all day) he could be tidying the house up, then you can both relax or just fall asleep once DS is down.
It does sound like you should get some family time at the weekend. Perhaps your DH is finding being a stay at home parent a bit boring? Maybe he could have some time out of the house - say a morning to see his mates, do a hobby or whatever (as should you) and the rest of the time is family time?
In a sense it is pretty normal to be knackered with a little one and your set-up doesn't sound too bad, but definitely do get a cleaner and don't get a dog and do start taking some time for yourself in the evenings, then you won't resent those mornings he has (it's not that he shouldn't have free time to keep sane, just that you should too). ime you start to get your life back and feel yourself again as the DC reach 2yo, so take whatever measures you need for now and hang on in there. It does get better!
Wow, he's landed on his feet with you! Three mornings to himself a week and limited housework - and he could even have a cleaner to do that. Dinner made for him, rest of evening off, all in exchange for less childcare than a FT nanny would be expected to provide and a little laundry. Of course he wants a dog! Why not? He has you to do all the work.
You two talk and you need to make it clear he steps up his game. He sounds very lazy, tbh, checked out as soon as he met his meal ticket.
Honestly he's taking the piss OP!
If he doesn't want to go out to work and he gets 3 mornings a week all to himself(not a luxuary that many people get!)then he should be pulling his weight and tidying the house.
If it was the other way around would he not expect you to be able to clean the house if there was just you in the house?and do not let him get a Dog!
Before I met my DH I was a single parent to 4DC,I managed to look after my children,clean the house,work part time and go to college part time.
Tons of people look after they're child/children OP,work and keep the house clean,have you spoken to him and asked him what's going on?
Him throwing DS as your when you walk through the door isn't unusual. I did this to OH when DS was little because my mind was absolutely fried with baby babble and everything that goes with it. I understand that work is exhausting too but being responsible for a little human all day wears you down in totally different ways. My DS wasn't in nursery though so I didn't get any breaks.
The house work is an issue and definitely address that, he needs to be doing more. It doesn't take more than 30 mins to dust, clean toilets and Hoover etc. Not putting your clothes away is a dick move and lazy IMO.
I was going to say YWBU but then you mentioned the 3 mornings off. Nope, if he has all that time to relax then needs to manage that time better. If he took care of DC full time that would be another matter entirely.
You need to put your foot down about a cleaner. Tell him the next time the toilet isn't up to standard you're going to hire a cleaner immediately. I'd arrange for one of his mornings off to be cleaning day. He should be able to do the whole place in that time, or assign smaller jobs to each of his mornings off.
You take every Saturday morning off. Without fail. You can sleep in, go out, whatever you like. When we only had DS my Saturday morning motto was "don't ask, I'm not here".
Of course if things change and DH does child care full time then all bets are off. Depends on your parenting style obviously but for me whilever DC are awake they have my attention to the best of my ability. Any chores that can wait do so until they are asleep.
Three mornings to himself sounds luxurious.
My DH works Mon-Fri whereas I work FT but over three days and the other four days I'm home with our toddler. This has been out set up since I returned to work when DS was 11 months old.
On the days that I'm home with DS when I hear the front door opens that indicates DH is home I am a washed with a feeling of relief that I'm going to get sone time to myself whilst he takes over toddler-watch. As a general rule when DH comes home I slink upstairs for 30 minutes with a cup of tea just so I can have a short period of some peace of quiet.
I then go back downstairs and sort out DS's tea whilst DH has a shower and sometimes I feel jealous that he gets to have an uninterrupted shower because the only showers I get are when I've got DS in the bathroom with me and he keeps opening and shutting the shower door.
I tend to do bathrime and bedtime but whilst I'm doing that my DH will be downstairs cooking something for our dinner so it's ready when I come back downstairs. We then tend to take it in turns to wash up/clean the kitchen or we do it together.
Because I'm home 4 days a week I tend to do the majority of the housework but during the weekends when DH is home he will do god fair share.
On the days that I'm at work DH obviously does all childcare related duties as I'm not home until 9.15pm and 90% of the time the house/kitchen is tidy enough that I can just relax.
Sometimes, due to the nature of my shifts, I do get the odd day where I'm off but DS is still in nursery for the whole day (7-5) and sometimes I spend that day doing something productive but usually I will just enjoy a peaceful lazy day.
In terms of spare time, most weekends DH will go to either a football or rugby match and I will keep DS with me to allow DH to just have 5-6 hours to himself to do something he enjoys.
In terms of my free time I have those odd days when I'm home alone, I will once a month go for a beauty treatment session and every fortnight I have a "Movie and Pizza night" at my sister's house.
Things work out quite equally and fairly in our house I think.
YANBU to be tired and wanting a break but your set-up sounds pretty normalish for most households trying to juggle home life, work life and parenting.
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