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To be hurt / incredibly frustrated / pissed off about this?

(31 Posts)
CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Sun 08-Jan-17 19:28:11

My mum lives around 200 miles away. She's disabled so we always go to visit her. That's no problem to us - it's far easier for us to visit her than her us. whilst disabled she is fiercely independent.

I always ring her. She has rang me about 3 times in the last year and text me first probably about half a dozen times if that. Including when I was in hospital having dd.

We left her house to return home after staying several days on 30 Dec. On 1 Jan I text her to wish her happy new year.

I've rang several times since 1 Jan. No answer. I know she's been ok.

Finally managed to speak to her today. All cheerful etc, then she says "I have to say I was so hurt that you didn't ring me to wish me HNY. That you only text me. I'm old school and wanted to hear your voice. I went to visit Grampa today and I was telling him. He agreed completely" etc etc.

I pointed out to her that:
- there was nothing stopping her ringing me if she wanted to speak to me
- we'd only left 2 days earlier
- I'd reached out to wish her HNY
- it's always me reaching out to her
- I'm hurt that she doesn't ever ring me

Phonecall ended with me saying:
- I'm sorry you're so hurt by the way i wished you HNY
- you ring me when you want to speak (she initiated the end of the call)

God, it's all so petty. But it's upset me. I'm busy with two children including a newborn but this has got to me.

Was ibu to voice my opinions and leave the conversation as i did?

Elland Sun 08-Jan-17 19:30:16

YANBU at all! Maybe she will realise how one sided the communication and effort is now!

mrsBeverleygoldberg Sun 08-Jan-17 19:35:08

Look into personality disorders and see if one fits her behaviour. I don't mean this lightly. Her behaviour is selfish, manipulating, unkind and not justified at all.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Sun 08-Jan-17 19:39:31

Thanks Elland.

She's knows. I think she does it deliberately. My Dh has told me that's she can be emotionally abusive towards me and it's taken me years to realise he's right.

It's always me apologising to her as I think "be the bigger person, she's disabled etc". But I know I'm often apologising for things that i sometimes shouldn't have to.

I shouldn't give her so much head space. She often picks away with passive aggressive comments and my Dh says not to rise to it because I can never win with her. 90% of the time I let her comments pass over me, but sometimes, like today, I snap and talk back.

caz323 Sun 08-Jan-17 19:39:46

Communication is a two-way thing! Whenever someone complains that they've not heard from so-and-so, I always ask, well have u contacted them? Usually the answer is no? Bizarre that one. So, YANBU in my opinion.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Sun 08-Jan-17 19:41:09

MrsBeverley - i think you're right. I do think she might have a disorder of some kind.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Sun 08-Jan-17 19:41:57

Exactly Caz.

harderandharder2breathe Sun 08-Jan-17 19:43:34

Yanbu she could have rung you if she wanted to speak to you

I love a few hundred miles from my own mum and only see her a few times a year. Either one of us will call the itherveverg few weeks and text in between. Unless one of you has a real reason for not phoning (I'm reaching here but is she worried about waking the baby?) it should be both of you making contact

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Sun 08-Jan-17 19:47:25

Harder and harder - she does say that she doesn't want to wake the baby, but she's always been like it. Even pre-children. It's always excuses with her sad

WashBasketsAreUs Sun 08-Jan-17 19:50:28

My dad once rang me to ask why I hadn't rang for a while. I asked him if his phone had the facility to ring out, yes he replied, so there you go then!! I had been ringing every day, he never rang me so I stopped to see how long it would be before he made the effort.
Communication is a two way street.

TheCatsMother99 Sun 08-Jan-17 19:51:28


You sound like a caring daughter so I'm not surprised you're hurt.

pishedoff Sun 08-Jan-17 19:51:58

I have the same with my parents. Had a big argument with my Dad just before Christmas ( had a thread about it!) as he was angry that I no longer called everyday, my question was that if they wanted to speak to me then they could call me?! My life has changed a lot over the last couple of years ( not for the better) and lots of things have changed because of it. I used to call at a certain time every day but now that time doesn't always work so I told them that I'd be changing it but they weren't happy.

YelloDraw Sun 08-Jan-17 19:52:41

Who the fuck says "I'm cross you texted HNY not called"? Someone who is not having a normal reaction to normal events. That is who. Is this new behviviour of just standard? If standard, ignore/tell her to jog on. If new - I would be more worried.

ChasedByBees Sun 08-Jan-17 19:56:52

YANBU. Do you think she'll take it on board though?

chocolateworshipper Sun 08-Jan-17 20:02:21

My "D"M has a personality disorder, and this is exactly the kind of thing she does to me.

I can only wish you the very best of luck

7SunshineSeven7 Sun 08-Jan-17 20:03:04

This is my biggest pet peeve! I stopped contacting people after I had been the one to do so first several times in a row. Some people I haven't spoken to in years now and realise I don't need their friendship. They're very selfish.

I like to leave people's houses and when they say ''we should do this again'' I say ''Yeah, let me know when you're free to come to mine'' or something like that.

When people say to me ''So and so never rings me, I always ring/go to them.'' I just tell them to drop them - they're not seeing you as worth the time, why should you waste yours to be with them?

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt Sun 08-Jan-17 20:08:17

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit better now.

I've long suspected my dm has a personality disorder sadthink I might do some reading up on them.

RandomMess Sun 08-Jan-17 20:13:43

Perhaps next time she starts with the unjust criticism and emotional blackmail:

"I shan't bother calling you in that case, I'll wait for you to contact me next time"



tierny Sun 08-Jan-17 20:13:49

My mother is exactly the same !!

I got told off that she hasn't had a thank you from my 3 kids for their Xmas presents. I pointed out that they had thanked her in person and by text, what she meant was she hadn't had a thank you card - a thank you in writing ! It was only bloody 28th December - but she can't help herself.

And I always get the 'oh I haven't heard from you for a while' I am at the point where I now say, no, that might be bexasie you never ring me, I always have to ring you !

iamavodkadrinker Sun 08-Jan-17 20:16:08

Just don't ring her at all. Give her something to really whinge about.

Pigflewpast Sun 08-Jan-17 20:16:25

My DM won't phone me because I only use a mobile so she says she's not spending money on it, which I read as I'm not worth spending money on. She will email, but won't phone. She is not short of money by any means and she phones my DS abroad every week. It probably upsets me more than it should but it does hurt. It's also made me not want to phone her now

PyongyangKipperbang Sun 08-Jan-17 20:35:36

Something happened that led me to not ringing my mum and dad for a few days. Mum was really worried about me, thats a normal reaction, not to have a go because I hadnt been in touch.

Sounds like her world begins and ends with ME, I suggest you take a leaf out of her book and start thinking about yourself a bit more and her a bit less.

Livelovebehappy Sun 08-Jan-17 20:38:37

I think this is common with most elderly parents. Especially if they are on their own, having lost a partner or DH. My mum can be incredibly unreasonable about this and expects me to text or call her every day to see if she is okay. The thing is, if she didn't 'demand' it, I would probably do it, but I resent her putting it all on me, so tend to call her on my terms; every two or three days.

MrsSchadenfreude Sun 08-Jan-17 20:41:27

My mother is the same - she never calls me, and if over a week goes by without me ringing her, she pretends she doesn't know who is calling. She is self absorbed and it is always about her.

mrsBeverleygoldberg Sun 08-Jan-17 20:49:42

Yes it's personality disorder bingo. My mum is narcissistic personality disorder and my dad is psychopath. There is a lot of information online. The stately homes thread here is very supportive. Try reading toxic parents. I also found healing daughters of narcissistic personality disorder, will I ever be good enough?
You are not alone and it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong.

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