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To give this advice to my friend

(11 Posts)
ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 08-Jan-17 12:05:36

I'm really worried about my friend. She left her ex-partner 4 years ago and she has 2 kids with him. He had become more and more abusive to her during the time they were together and so she left. But once she left him she was accused of breaking their family up, of being a horrible mother, etc etc. He's obviously never moved on with his life and he seems to get a lot of enjoyment out of trying to control her still.

She told me that he keeps sending her messages and constantly phoning her. She doesn't answer the phone or reply to the messages, but she gets more and more worried about what it is he wants to talk to her about, and eventually she answers the phone. He will then rant and rave at her for sometimes more than half an hour, about everything he thinks she is doing wrong in her parenting, and basically being very abusive to her.

I said to her, that if I were in her position, I wouldn't answer any of the texts or phonecalls. As they have an agreement for visitation, the only time she needs to speak to him, or vice versa, is in an emergency. She said if she ignores him he will just get worse. I feel so bad for her because she's just stuck in a cycle of abuse and I'm really worried about the stress it is causing her.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 08-Jan-17 12:06:16

Oops, sorry, posted too soon.

Basically, AIBU to advise her to ignore the calls and messages? Or is there a better way of dealing with this?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 08-Jan-17 12:09:09

Abusive messages and phonecalls are harassment. She should get some legal advice.

Ilovecaindingle Sun 08-Jan-17 12:09:36

Tell her to remind him the sentencing for stalking and harassment has just been doubled and she will be reporting him to the police if his calls are not about the children. If she has evidence of dv she can get legal aid and see a solicitor.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 08-Jan-17 12:11:26

This could constitute as harassment. If I were her I'd threaten him with going to the police to get a restraining order put in place.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 08-Jan-17 12:11:28

I said it was harassment and she said she didn't think it was because he's always ringing for a particular reason, ie something she has supposedly done wrong. He uses the fact they have kids together as a way of controlling her.

I said he's just making up reasons to criticise her so he can continue the contact/abuse/harassment cycle.

Sorry to drip feed that part.

ConvincingLiar Sun 08-Jan-17 12:12:15

I agree she should ignore him. He's demonstrated why she shouldn't answer his calls.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 08-Jan-17 12:13:06

I agree with you but unless she actually does something about it it's going to be the same from here on out. If you've told her repeatedly and she still chooses to not listen then I'd let it be tbh. Otherwise you'll bring a lot of stress on yourself.

Chillyegg Sun 08-Jan-17 12:17:54

Ok this happened to me.

What she should do is call the police show all texts and calls/ call history from when she left. Harassment is a course of conduct so she has grounds for the police to get involved. They can then issue a harassment information notice saying if he carrys in hell be arrested . They will then refer her to idas and they can help with counselling organise a marak meeting whare agencies get together and plan how to safeguard the mother and children. Tbey are excellent!
Please inform her to call the police.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 08-Jan-17 12:41:47

Thank you so much for your advice. I will let her know.

I'm not sure she will take the advice because she really believes she is in the wrong half the time. She thinks he wouldn't kick up such a fuss over nothing. She's a great mum who has had her confidence knocked by a nasty piece of work. It was the same when they were together, and of course now that they are separated, and she has stood up to him, he is always trying to claw back any form of control he can get. He absolutely disgusts me and all her other friends.

CaptainMarvelDanvers Sun 08-Jan-17 13:03:10

Have a look at the Paladin website. It's an advocacy service for victims of stalking and harassment.

Stalking and harassment unfortunately doesn't always get taken seriously but it should because it can escalate.

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