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AIBU to be annoyed that they cleared my grandma's house a week after she went in a care home?

(254 Posts)
Stiffanky Sat 07-Jan-17 22:56:31

My grandma is 96 and until the end of December2016, lived on her own. Over the past few months she's been getting more forgetful and has been wandering off on her own (without a coat in the cold) and getting lost. My parents made the decision that for her own safety she should go in a care home. They were going to put her in before Christmas but I insisted that she be with family for Christmas and so she went in on 28th December. I specifically told my parents not to throw anything of hers away until I'd had a chance to see her house and her things. I've found the process really difficult and emotional and I just wanted to spend some time in her home as it was, with her personality and character in it. Here we are, what, 10 days later and I discover that my dad has basically cleared her house, thrown loads of her stuff away and not even given me the opportunity to go there.... so many of my memories are in that house of her and my late grandpa and I find his lack of empathy so upsetting. Just had a blazing row with my parents about it... AIBU?

WorraLiberty Sat 07-Jan-17 23:01:44

Did you tell them an actual day that you would be visiting the house?

Also, does the house belong to your gran and does it need to be sold to pay for the care home?

7SunshineSeven7 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:03:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherrysoup Sat 07-Jan-17 23:04:08

I don't think yabu. It would have been nice to be able to go through and see what was left, but your parents have the right, if your gran agreed or was unable to say, to dispose of her affairs as they see fit. Do they have power of attorney?

Lunar1 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:05:28

Had you arranged a day?

Redglitter Sat 07-Jan-17 23:06:18

7Sunshine She's in a care home. She hasn't died

MakeMyWineADouble Sat 07-Jan-17 23:06:37

it's hard I do see where you are common from However it reads in your post like it's you wanted to go and spend time there but it was going to be your parents who did the sorting?? In which case they needed to do it when they had time especially if the house had to be sold for care costs ect I imagine your dad had some time and needed to get started it's hard but when were you thinking of going had you set a date?

polkadotdelight Sat 07-Jan-17 23:07:59

If she doesn't own her own home it may be that your parents had to clear her belongings for the next tenant.

Allthewaves Sat 07-Jan-17 23:08:08

perhaps your parents needed to do it and have done with it - putting it off increasing the pain? Also if they need to sell or hand it back to council needs to be done asap.

You havnt been to the house in 10 days, perhaps they didn't realise that you still wanted to spend time in it.

gamerchick Sat 07-Jan-17 23:08:11

Had you said the day you wanted to go?

7SunshineSeven7 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:08:35

Oh sorry, read that wrong. My bad. (Puts reading glasses on).

But still, the fact they had to put her into a home and she's deteriorated so badly must be extremely hard for them and a painful decision to make. They'll want to have her things moved and packed up to take to her care home as fast as possible to make her room familiar to her.

As others have said, if she owns the house they may need to sell up/rent it out ASAP to pay for costs.

Scrumptiousbears Sat 07-Jan-17 23:08:53

Was the house hers?

My Nan went into a care home and lived in a council bungalow. They only gave us a few weeks to give the keys back. We had hardly anytime at all.

WorraLiberty Sat 07-Jan-17 23:09:02

What loss 7?

WorraLiberty Sat 07-Jan-17 23:09:35

Sorry, X post.

81blondie81 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:09:38

7SunshineSeven7 - the Grandmother hasn't passed away, she has gone into a home.

MichaelSheensNextDW Sat 07-Jan-17 23:09:48

YANBU and I'm so sorry for your loss. Your feelings must be very hurt by this sad
If there was pressure to get it done - eg, if she was in social housing and they needed to hand the property back quickly - they could have let you know this, couldn't they?
Perhaps your dad felt he just needed to crack on and face it and wasn't being thoughtful of others; when my gran died, I only found out because I texted my dad to arrange to visit her with him and he said she died yesterday. I was fuming inside for weeks but never said anything to him because it was totally out of character and was just because he was absolutely devastated and in a state of shock.
Are you able to visit her easily in her new home? flowers

81blondie81 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:10:24

Sorry, 7Seven, x post

Stiffanky Sat 07-Jan-17 23:10:49

She's still alive... I also have power of attorney over her affairs (along with my mum) but I wasn't consulted. I genuinely didn't expect them to clear out her home so fast...she's only been in a week! And she has enough savings to pay for 18m of care so whilst I understand that it needs to be done, it didn't need to be that quick. I didn't specify when I wanted to go but I would've gone straight away if I'd known what they were going to do... I live an hour away so it's not like it's on my doorstep. It just feels really disrespectful... like my feelings don't matter.

I mean this gently as yiure clearly (& justifiably) upset, but is there any chance your father may find your lack of empathy upsetting too? This is his mother. He will be all over the place emotionally. While you may not have wanted the house clearing, he was absolutely within his right to do so.

I'm sorry you're going through this flowers

ExitPursuedBySantaSpartacus Sat 07-Jan-17 23:12:15

I should imagine your parents are dealing with it in their own way.

How about you visit your gran in the care home instead?

wobblywonderwoman Sat 07-Jan-17 23:12:32

I think it is sad they didn't listen to your wishes but ten days is quite long. If your dad is due to go back to work after the holidays it may have suited him better. The most important thing is to keep visiting her and play her favourite music, show her favoutite photos etc. Not her house. But I do understand.

ExplodedCloud Sat 07-Jan-17 23:12:51

Yes if it's council owned and she's gone into funded care, you do have to put sentimentality aside.

Chattymummyhere Sat 07-Jan-17 23:13:40

I think as the people who will have responsibility for her it's up to them not you. Yes it would be nice for you but for them it's something that needs to be done and the sooner the better.

Stiffanky Sat 07-Jan-17 23:14:14

To clarify... she owns her own home, has enough savings for 18m of care fees. It's just my dad.... everything has to be done his way. It's not even his mum but my mum's mum. He rules the roost and will not accept an alternative point of view. He just does what he wants, to hell with anyone else

JigglyTuff Sat 07-Jan-17 23:14:25

Do you have joint POA with your mum? Is she allowed to o stuff without your agreement?

I'm sorry it all sounds v hurtful

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