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Fucking bullies!!

(233 Posts)
mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:18:33

Posted in WWYD but figured I would get quicker answers here because I'm so stressed out and need help.
First of all I'd like to start by saying teenage girls at my dds school take bitching to a whole new level and in recent months my DD has been well involved in it and I've nipped it in the bud and removed her devices if necessary. 
However DD has become the target of the 'queen bee' and her group (whom she was friends with) and every one of them has alienated her because of the queen bee except one girl. 
After having to remove her from school on Friday due to the god awful atmosphere at school (none of it physical but still) and the girl who's stood by her also went home it turns out that her friend has now been told to distance herself from my DD. Leaving her with nobody. 
I fully hold my hands up when my DD is a shit and involved in things but the other parents don't seem to think their previous offspring are in the wrong. Even a screenshot from a message stating 'well it's about fifty of us to two of you so go figure' is apparently none of the schools business because it was outside of school hours. 
There is a lot more to this story but since the whole fallout started I have checked my dds social media and seen the argument unfolding and in this scenario she isn't the instigator and even blocking didn't seem to have made a difference. 
We live in close knit area where we are considered outsiders and it's fairly obvious now that all the families will just stick together - One Mum who I was friendly with has made it painfully clear that she is not interested as long as it's not her daughter being picked on. 
School have apparently read this girls the riot act but given that the hostile behaviour in classrooms wasn't picked up on by teaching staff, I really don't know what else to do. I feel that by sending her back would be throwing her to the lions. 
An acquaintance has told me that this group have said it's my DD who they dislike and that if the other girl wasn't friends with her they'd leave her alone! I don't have proof but even if I did these messages have been sent out of school so would seemingly mean nothing! 

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:21:32

Oh I was told by the school that all the girls involved were having phones removed by parents because of their behaviour. This hasn't happened because it's all carried on over FB just nothing been said directly to my DD. Several passive aggressive posts have been shared by a lot of them to make sure my DD sees them 😔

Wolfiefan Sat 07-Jan-17 16:26:14

Awful atmosphere? What are they actually doing?
How old is she?

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:31:47

She's 16. The straw that broke the camels back was being sat in her first lesson of the day - most of the students were part of the group and made it plainly obvious they were talking about her, making snide comments about her having no friends, staring at her, etc. I'm aware people will say she needs to toughen up but imagine being sat alone in a corner knowing everyone else is talking about and laughing at you 😢

FATEdestiny Sat 07-Jan-17 16:39:55

Perhaps helping her develop resilience and self-reliance mechanisms wouldn't hurt?

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:41:14

I've tried everything there is never any physical bullying it's all emotional. There is actual messages saying they want to make it so she doesn't come to school but because it's out of school apparently it's a police issue?!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Sat 07-Jan-17 16:41:36

This is one of those 'live by the sword' situations - you say she was involved in bullying until you dealt with it.

Plus at 16, she is going to have to learn that she will come across wankers throughout her life.

EthelEgbert Sat 07-Jan-17 16:44:03

It's not a police issue if it is out of school. It is still the school's responsibility.

Floggingmolly Sat 07-Jan-17 16:45:18

What your dd is going through now is what she was perfectly happy to put others through before she was caught.
Could be the best thing that ever happened to her, actually. Not necessarily in a serves you right sense, but in teaching her how to empathise with others and not follow the crowd blindly like a fecking sheep.

EthelEgbert Sat 07-Jan-17 16:46:13

Keep copies of all the messages.

EthelEgbert Sat 07-Jan-17 16:49:06

There might be some info here that will help you to work through the reporting system:

www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/advice-on-contacting-your-child-s-school-about-bullying/

If your child can't face school because of unresolved bullying, ask the LEA pupil support department or education social worker to intervene with the school to get the bullying stopped. You could also ask your doctor if a referral to a specialist like a psychologist for counselling would help.

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:55:37

I DID NOT say she was involved in bullying I said bitching. These girls are so bitchy it's shocking and there was always a bloody argument between at least two of them but I always made her keep her nose out. This is bullying by one large group making it clear they want to push my DD out

Pillowaddict Sat 07-Jan-17 16:55:39

In what way was your dd involved previously? Was the school involved then? I would go back to the head and say it very much is a school issue - I fail to see how a teacher couldn't pick up on behaviour like that, and peer isolation is something that should not be ignored. Unfortunately you can't make people like you - but you shouldn't have to put up with hostile behaviour and cruelty if you're not friends with them. Is leaving school for college to do exams an option? Building her self reliance and teaching her life lessons is all well and good but I know I wouldn't want my dd facing that on a daily basis in an environment where the teachers don't seem to care - I wouldn't put myself through it. They sound horrible.

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:56:52

If I had caught her bullying anyone or singling someone out her feet wouldn't have touched the ground. This is an issue where ALL the girls in this large group have decided to target my DD because the ringleader has told them to.

Tissunnyupnorth Sat 07-Jan-17 16:57:24

I would encourage her to find a different friendship group. As she is at secondary I'm assuming there will between 120-180 kids in her year? As it's GCSE classes, I'm also assuming she isn't in all her classes with the bullies. As said above, it is a bit of a live by the sword situation, it sounds like she has been involved in situations herself previously, therefore this might be a good opportunity for her to break away from this group and to start trying to initiate fresh friendships.

She should keep her head down & ignore. The bullies will get bored soon. I would keep a copy of any nasty messages, in case the situation escalates. It does sound like your daughter & her friends are very heavily involved in the whole social media storm, I would advise her to keep off it for a while, focus on her GCSE's and establishing new friendships.

HadEnoughThisChristmas Sat 07-Jan-17 16:57:45

I went through similar at school. There was a queen bee in my year who once turned almost the whole year against me for 2 whole terms!

I haven't got much advice but in the end I just thought "Fuck them" and decided I didn't need friends that were so easily turned against me anyway.

People did start talking to me again eventually but I was very wary of making friends with them after how they had all treated me, so I kept myself to myself and then made new friends at college a couple of years later. It did help however that my best friend went to a different school in a different area, so I still always had her support and friendship.

PerspicaciaTick Sat 07-Jan-17 16:58:12

Why do the school think it isn't their business when it is happening in class and has resulted in two children missing lessons do to having to leave school early?

Did the children not have to sign a behaviour contract when they started school, including appropriate use of social media (in and outside school)?

I'd be all over the pastoral team myself. Get a copy of the bullying policy and go through it line by line asking them how they are implementing it for your DD.

EthelEgbert Sat 07-Jan-17 16:58:54

We had s briefing / seminar when my DS started secondary school about bullying and the speaker said that the school carry the obligation / responsibility to deal with bullying/harassment in social media even outside of the school hours. The school is wrong if they are shirking this responsibility. Shame I don't have the training book anymore as it had the relevant references.

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:59:50

This is what I thought. There are parties outside school involved for which I have logged with the police (people who my DD has never even spoken to) yet they say school pupils making such a fuss OUTSIDE school so she doesn't want to go is a police issue??

EthelEgbert Sat 07-Jan-17 17:01:21

It is 100% the schools legal responsibility to deal with the social media bullying no matter when it happens as long as it is among their registered pupils.

FATEdestiny Sat 07-Jan-17 17:01:45

The best thing she could do is go to school with her head held high, an armoury of self-relience "I don't need you" confidence tricks and power through for a few days.

Thinking about her development longer term, through into her 20s and beyond, these kinds of self-learning opportunities don't come along often.

If you can teacher her to feel she is better than they are rather than a victim - she can learn to grow up to be a confident and hopefully empathetic young woman.

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 17:02:54

I've tried everything with her she only seemed happy over the holidays when she didn't have to go 😔

PerspicaciaTick Sat 07-Jan-17 17:09:26

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/374850/Cyberbullying_Advice_for_Headteachers_and_School_Staff_121114.pdf

The above document is advice to schools on cyberbulling published by the DoE. It clearly says that they should have a community approach to dealing with bullying and clear policies on the acceptable use of technology outside school. I suppose that the policy could say "Our policy is that we want nothing to do with it as it isn't our problem", but that doesn't really seem to be in the spirit of recommendations.

mrsC4 Sat 07-Jan-17 17:11:27

If I home school her and get a tutor can the school refuse to let her sit her exams?

FATEdestiny Sat 07-Jan-17 17:12:55

Going into an environment were people don't like you isn't pleasant for anyone, of any age. It's not surprising that she was better when she didn't have to go. That doesn't mean that not going to school, or being collected half way through the school day is the answer.

Why do her friendship group currently not like her?

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