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To get married without my children present?

(205 Posts)
TinyRick Sat 07-Jan-17 14:51:04

I don't want a big ceremony. I just want to bish bosh get married with my df (not my dc's father).

My Dc are 11 and 5. They are happy that we are engaged.

But will they resent us if they are not part of the ceremony. We will have a gathering/party after. We just want the least fuss. But am I doing the wrong thing by essentially excluding them from the main deal?

Anyone else got married without the dc's involved? Or should it be a done thing?

Chippednailvarnishing Sat 07-Jan-17 14:57:21

Why would you consider excluding them?

Are you already living with your DF? Are your DF's children attending?

user1481795553 Sat 07-Jan-17 14:57:32

Have you considered that by excluding your dcs from the wedding you are essentially telling them that you and your new husband are a new family that they are not really part of. I know it sounds harsh, and the wedding can be simple with dcs there but you are not just marrying the person you love, you are bringing someone else into the family formally. Its important for your children to be a part of this.

pringlecat Sat 07-Jan-17 14:57:53

Well, who would be at the ceremony? Just you two and witnesses? Whether or not they find it unreasonable when older and looking back will probably depend on who went instead of them.

ConvincingLiar Sat 07-Jan-17 14:59:54

It's a bit mean. Let them come but have the low key ceremony you want.

ageingrunner Sat 07-Jan-17 15:00:13

I wouldn't do it. Won't they be disappointed?

Snowflakes1122 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:00:29

Yabu to not include them. This could easily hurt their feelings.

ParksAndWreck Sat 07-Jan-17 15:00:59

Why don't you ask them? Not in a "Is it ok if I don't invite you..." way, but in a "We're thinking of getting married on a school day, unless you really want to be there? Of course you'd be at the celebration afterwards, without the boring ceremony" way.

Littleballerina Sat 07-Jan-17 15:01:11

Why can't you have them there?

Redglitter Sat 07-Jan-17 15:01:19

Why do you not want them there?

Ilovecaindingle Sat 07-Jan-17 15:01:30

Why would you not want them to be part of the ceremony??

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington Sat 07-Jan-17 15:01:51

It would be a really bad idea in my opinion to exclude them from such an important day. Especially since the man you're marrying isn't their father. They may well feel hurt and excluded. And demoted in your affections.

It will still be a tiny wedding with your kids there.

PurpleDaisies Sat 07-Jan-17 15:02:43

Do you mean not inviting them?

My dad did this and it's really hurt our relationship. No way I'd exclude my own children if I were in your situation.

TheNaze73 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:03:13

YANBU, if it's what you want, go for it

Isadora2007 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:03:16

Yes you would be very unreasonable. Your marriage should be about you all becoming a family. And if you're only focussed on you as part of a couple that's a really bad sign.

VimFuego101 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:03:45

You can have a low key registry office do and still have them there, I don't understand why you wouldn't want them to be there.

ApollO88 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:05:26

My mother and step father did this. It did not go down well with me or other 3 siblings. My mother regretted it pretty much as soon as she had done this.

Finola1step Sat 07-Jan-17 15:06:07

I do think it is a bit odd. I get the no fuss wedding, I really do. I had one myself (less than 20 people). This was pre dc but if I had dc then, they would have been top of the list. A way of cementing our new family together.

Is there a specific reason for not wanting your dc there?

Crispbutty Sat 07-Jan-17 15:06:16

If you were literally going into the registry office to sign then going back to work fair enough but if you are having any type of celebration at all then of course your children should be included.

FinnegansCake Sat 07-Jan-17 15:06:17

Your DC may not be too bothered now, but in later years might wonder why they were excluded.

CoffeeDiamonds Sat 07-Jan-17 15:06:24

I had 3DCs under 7 when I married, secretly. Kids were at school. I told them the next day and they were delighted. They didn't miss much - it was a registry office and not what the kids would have considered a 'proper wedding' like Cinderella.

We had a fab party later on and they had the chance to wear the posh clothes, have buffet food and do a bit of dancing.

Everyone's a winner grin

YouHadMeAtCake Sat 07-Jan-17 15:06:53

YABU and very selfish. Why on earth would you exclude them? Weird.

Boolovessulley Sat 07-Jan-17 15:06:54

I'm on the fence as I think of I got married again I wouldn't want anyone else their except myself and the groom.
My dcs are older though.
My oh also has adult children so maybe it's not the same situation as you're in.

Misselthwaite Sat 07-Jan-17 15:07:11

I wouldn't to be honest. My friend got married just the two of them and left out his two daughters of 11 and 12. Talking to them it was clear it was all about their great romance and how in love they were. Whereas they were in effect becoming a family and his daughters were central to it or at least that's how I would have seen it. They've since split less than 9 months of wedded bliss and I often wonder what his daughters thought of the whole business.

It doesn't have to be a big do you could get married and then take the kids to pizza hut! No need for fancy outfits or flowers unless you want it. Personally I would have been gutted to not be a bridesmaid at those ages but you may have boys.

Scooby20 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:07:56

Why would you want to?

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