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To think this is inappropriate at 12

(145 Posts)
wonderingagain21 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:12:40

I discovered my DD12 awake at 1am this morning on her phone (which I thought was downstairs). She has clearly worked out my restrictions passcode and was watching a film. I then started looking at her internet history and found that over the xmas hold she had done huge numbers of searches related to sex. Now I know she may want to understand certain terms, seems a reasonable use of the Internet but I'm talking more than 50 searches of the same things I clearly exploring more deeply. I'm a bit horrified as she seems too young for this much detail - tantric sex, numerous positions, porn etc . I had thought we were responsible parents but now I'm worried that if I put too many restrictions in place she'll find other ways to explore this stuff.

user1480946351 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:18:33

Then talk to her. It's not about restrictions, its about finding out why she's looking, and telling her what she needs to know.

Nell51 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:18:42

We found our daughter had been looking on YouTube after lights out. It wasn't sexual stuff - just beauty tips - but she said she'd felt left out as everyone else is up late at night on their devices. I am quite shocked at the amount these 12 year olds are exposed to. My daughter has googled kissing but a lot of her friends are posting about losing their virginity at this age and they have a huge knowledge on the subject. Maybe her friends are talking about things and she wants to know about them. Could you try switching the wireless off at night?

Littlepeople12345 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:19:33

You need to talk to her. Tell her she can ask you questions and answer them age appropriately. At 12 she's probably heard lots at school.

Nell51 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:20:12

I agree with the comment above re talking about it. I also agree they need a good nights sleep hence turning wireless off if necessary.

wonderingagain21 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:21:18

Yes I think I will turn the wifi off after 9 or 10 now. Clearly put tech downstairs is not enough of a deterrent.

ChrissyHynde Sat 07-Jan-17 13:27:04

My DS12 has done something similar. Googling big women, big boobs that sort of thing. He denied it at first but then agreed with me that it had to be him. We talked about it - me asking for example did it interest him, make him feel nice etc . His reply was he just heard the phrases and was curious but not interested . We agreed not to go looking again and totally at random I ask to see his google history which now looks more normal !

Bluntness100 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:29:12

I'd agree, don't just restrict her, that's just shutting it down, encourage her to ask you questions.

Zippidydoodah Sat 07-Jan-17 13:29:25

Chrissy- I think it's perfectly normal for a 12 year old boy to want to see boobs! grin

I'm totally dreading this with my kids tbf.

TitaniasCloset Sat 07-Jan-17 13:31:47

I can remember being fascinated by sex at that age, all the hormones flying around. But all I had access to was my mums Mills and Boon collection! Almost as damaging actually for a young girl! Go easy on her, she will probably be so embarrassed. It doesn't mean that she is planning to do anything, she is just curious I imagine.

dollydaydream114 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:36:59

I can see why you're worried, but her curiosity is totally normal. Lots of girls are quite a way into puberty at 12 and hormones are raging.

Kids her age have always been inclined to try and find out about this stuff, it's just that when I was a kid we had to look for the rude bits in people's mum's Jackie Collins books or copies of Cosmo, peer at porn mags we'd found in a hedge, look up sex-related words in the dictionary etc.

Obviously the internet makes it a lot more difficult for parents to make sure their kids aren't seeing stuff that's genuinely harmful, though. I think you either need to set up restrictions or turn off the wi-fi after bedtime (or get a more effective passcode).

wonderingagain21 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:38:40

I'm not cross with her - well apart from her sneaking her phone back. I'm just surprised by the amount they know or hear at 12.

Jokeaboutmyhotchoc Sat 07-Jan-17 13:39:27

me asking for example did it interest him, make him feel nice et

Criiiiiiiinge.

user1477282676 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:40:47

Oh gosh OP...they know an awful lot. My 12 year old discusses consent, gay rights, gay sex, straight sex with her friends and also, to a lesser extent, with me.

It's far better if you can open up a channel with her....talk to her. Let her come to you with questions.

ElfOnMyShelf Sat 07-Jan-17 13:43:32

I think the danger with looking things up on the net is the next link problem. The initial search is an innocent age appropriate question, but then it suggests another and another until your in way too deep in to non appropriate stuff. So you need to have those questions directed at you not the net.

Reality16 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:44:47

Yes I think I will turn the wifi off after 9 or 10 now. Clearly put tech downstairs is not enough of a deterrent. or try teaching her to respect your rules confused 12 years old is plenty old enough to know that she should not be downstairs using her phone, punish her for rule breaking rather than setting physical barriers.

FudgeBiscuits Sat 07-Jan-17 13:45:21

Talk to her, she's 12 smile old enough to understand sex and she's obviously curious.

But please don't do be too sly about it in talking to her, you'll embarrass her and make her never want to talk to you about it.

Good luck smile

FudgeBiscuits Sat 07-Jan-17 13:45:55

Also, I was looking at this stuff at 12 years old

bananaqueen Sat 07-Jan-17 13:47:49

It is scary I remember getting my first phone with internet around that age and me and my step sister used to look up all sorts... not because we wanted to participate, but purely because our friends were all talking about it and we wanted to be able to join in without looking like 'little kids' and get laughed at. it is scary what young people are talking about but letting her know that you know, and that you're there for her to talk to,with any questions as cringey as it might be to start with will definitely help.

Tootsiepops Sat 07-Jan-17 13:51:51

me asking for example did it interest him, make him feel nice etc

I'd actually rather have killed myself than have my mum ask me questions like that at 12.

Dahlietta Sat 07-Jan-17 13:56:15

I'd actually rather have killed myself than have my mum ask me questions like that at 12.

Indeed.

wonderingagain21 Sat 07-Jan-17 13:57:31

Thanks everyone. I need to go now. She will get mildly punished for using her phone that late & then I'm going to talk about the Internet history in a few days time. I don't want her thinking the punishment is due to her Internet history.

Nataleejah Sat 07-Jan-17 14:02:34

Turn off wifi at night. As for sex, provide her some informational literature. There are plenty of appropriate books theses days.

2ducks2ducklings Sat 07-Jan-17 14:05:43

It's been many years since we had to use one of these so there have probably been many advancements in their design. While they we're useful for the older child, they were bloody horrible for the parents. My shins now have permanent debts in them from the billions of times I banged them against the bugger. And the hurt your back because you have to bend over so far while pushing the pushchair to try to prevent the aforementioned damage to your shins.

Iggi999 Sat 07-Jan-17 14:05:45

The kind of sex education looking at porn on the Internet would give you is not the kind I'd want for my dcs.
Do you have safe search on? Would she know how to get around it?
Turning the wifi off at 9 would be a massive punishment for me

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