To be at breaking point(59 Posts)
DS is 4 months old. The longest he has ever slept in one go is 4 hours, and that's happened maybe twice. He used to average 2 hours at a time at night, now wakes up hourly. Last night this shortened to every 20 minutes on occasion. Many of his wake ups are straight into high volume crying. We currently co sleep with DW EBF. Have tried putting him in his bednest but it took 20 minutes to settle him and he slept for 20 minutes before waking up crying. We've weaned him off actually falling asleep on the breast and he will go back to sleep with cuddles and rocking instead of feeding, but all of it is just taking it's toll.
In the day he will nap, but only in the sling or on one of us, so there's no respite. HV advice was that he should be sleeping through by now and to not feed him in the night. We're just not willing to let him CIO as the amount of crying at the moment is stressful enough as it is. DW ended up calling 111 in the night and when speaking the a doctor in the morning was told that all babies are like this and it gets better.
We love him so much but even holding him is physically draining and the whole thing is constantly reducing us to tears.
I guess AIBU to not be able to cope? And to not be able to make sense of the conflicting professional advice?
Firstly, try not to worry, the hv is being unrealistic and unhelpful to suggest babies of 4 months should be sleeping through. I have four and only one of them managed that and then went back to waking multiple times at 5 months. Please don't feel there is anything wrong. Sleep gets weird around 4 months for a lot of people but the first thing I wanted to ask if does baby seem in pain? Just they could have reflux since they'll only sleep in the sling or on you ie upright? I would see your gp to rule this out and if you think it's a possibility try a special slanted pillow that raises their head slightly, worked wonders for us. In the short term is there anyone you could ask to just come round and cuddle baby so you can have even an hour'a break?
HV advice was that he should be sleeping through by now and to not feed him in the night. We're just not willing to let him CIO as the amount of crying at the moment is stressful enough as it is. DW ended up calling 111 in the night and when speaking the a doctor in the morning was told that all babies are like this and it gets better.
Bollocks. Change your HV. 4 months is far too young to do any type of sleep training (hateful expression).
Not all babies are like this, but some are. It also doesn't mean there isn't a problem.
Has your GP checked him out? Could it be silent reflux?
It's hideous and you have my sympathy.
The sleeping through is bollocks.
Babies are at their worst at this age due to a sleep regression and a growth spurt. You need coping strategies. Who can come and stay to help? (Don't be too proud to ask somebody). Could you afford a night nanny/ doula to give you a breather? (Expressed milk or wife feeds three hourly and night nanny does the rest of the settling) Can you split the night in two and one of you do the first half and one of you do the second? (Could express some milk for feeds) whilst the other person is in bed in a separate room with earplugs so at least you both get a stretch of uninterrupted sleep. Would cosleeping help?
It's so awful but it will pass x
Oh also all of mine fed in the night for a lot longer than 4 months apart from one. Our hv is luckily very good at letting parents feel empowered in knowing their children's needs.
Notwithout has great strategy, kept us sane with our twins. Expressing I also found meant they went much longer between feeds than at the breast, about 3-4hr instead of 1-2 so gave me back some time to enjoy them. Wishing you luck and great you are supporting each other in this. I found 4 months the hardest time but it will honestly get better.
This sounds very familiar to me! dd 2 has had several phases of poor sleep at different stages. Both dd's would only nap on me until they were 9 months old. It is exhausting and quite often reduced me to tears. Like others have said it may be worth getting gp to see re silent reflux but what you are describing doesn't sound that unusual.
Thank you for all these replies, sometimes it helps to just not feel like we're alone! (It seems that the other babies from our nct group are sleeping through or will be put down to nap.
We had wondered about reflux, a stranger commented the other day that his cry sounded like a refluxy one but we had thought we'd already know if he had it? Definitely something we'll look into and I'll be getting some baby gaviscon today! DW has been expressing this morning so hopefully we can try a split shift tonight
It is hard, but also quite normal. It is a very annoying thing to say but it really will pass.
This is so hard for you both - I had this with both of mine and it nearly killed me
Does DS arch his back/head back when he's crying? Does his crying sound 'wet' like there's liquid in his throat? Is there any pattern eg does he get most upset a short while after feeds? If so, it could be silent reflux. DS1 had it and like many people I found Gaviscon did nothing but cause constipation, so be prepared to consider alternatives.
You are definitely not alone!! There was another dad posting a similar thread about his 4mo dd in the early hours of this morning. This WILL pass.
PS meant to say if it's not down to a physical reason like reflux or an allergy, then notwith has some good advice. Splitting shifts was what saved us.
He does seem to arch his back and the cry is maybe wet? He also isn't feeding for long at a time and pulls off a lot at the moment so I wonder if he is in some discomfort
During the regression they can be fussy feeders - my dd2 is on and off all the time at the moment
I'm not an expert but that does sound like it could possibly be reflux. I'd suggest a trip to the HV/GP personally.
If you are thinking silent reflux (been there!), can I suggest the reflux 'pillow'. It goes under the fitted bed sheet and was a godsend for our (and us) DS. Gaviscin had little effect, DS was eventually put on stronger medication, prescribed by a consultant.
It does sound like reflux, they are the first questions the gp asked us, that would be good to try tonight to share the sleep good luck and no, definitely not alone.
My DS is also 4 months and has never slept through the night!!! Do not feel bad!!! We think ours is starting to teeth a bit. Do you think that could be going on with yours? If so makes sense as to why he wakes so often!
I had two bad sleepers. The first was a nightmare. My DH slept in another room with earplugs as he had to be alert for work and as I was on Maternity leave and BF I did the nights. Occasionally at the weekend he would do a night and I'd express and get a whole night of sleep - but it was rare due the the nature of his job.
My view is that you have to have one of you getting some sleep, or you both go mad.
The second had bad reflux and hardly slept but also did not gain weight. Very hard OP, very hard - but it gets better.
He's been showing signs of teething for a while (everything goes in his mouth, red cheeks, biting, super dribbling) but no sign of a tooth yet - if it's that, just hoping one comes through soon!
Sleeping through without a feed at 4 months is unusual. I would ignore that advice.
My son had reflux and it nearly broke me. I would split the night in shifts so that you both get at least 4 hrs uninterrupted sleep. This was recommended to me when I suffered PND as a result of sleep deprivation. I used to sleep between 8-12pm and then my husband (who had work) would sleep 12-6am. our evening were gone for a a while but mentally we coped mich better when qe both got the 4 hr stretch.
Also try cluster feeding in the evening and a dummy if you havent already. Oh and I know it goes against advise but our son couldnt sleep on his back he was on his side or in a baby bjorn bouncer whilst the meds for reflux kicked in.
Hang in there, be kind to yourselves. This will pass. Your lives will not be like this forever. Cx
Ignore that a baby of 4mo should be sleeping through. My dd is 20mo and still tries it on about 3am and rarely sleeps past 5am. My ds was a great sleeper from day 1. Some babies are more difficult than others. You have my sympathy op but agree with pp maybe get checked out for reflux
You poor things. I've been there and it is absolutely horrible.
Your HV is talking through her arse. It is very very common for babies to be atrocious sleepers - sometimes well beyond their first birthday.
Do get him checked out for reflux. In the meantime if you have a spare room, go there, or even the couch, for at least part of the night, sleep and then swap over with your DW so that you're both getting at least one chunk of four hours. You absolutely must do this or you'll start to go mad.
This will get better btw. It's horrible when you're in it but before you know it you'll have a toddler (who brings their own stresses!) and you'll be able to look back on this time with relief and even fondness.
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