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Trouble with DH about post baby feelings

(36 Posts)
mummyof2pr Sat 07-Jan-17 11:39:16

Repost as I'm realising my initial post name "post baby" wasn't really helpful as to what issue is and want advice and help!

I am a stay at home mum of 2 kids, one being 4 months and the other being 2 years old. My husband constantly yells at me because I am always saying I'm exhausted, and says that because I always say I'm exhausted there must be something wrong with me. We also have only been intimate a few times since the birth of our second child, I just haven't felt any desire to be. Still he consistently asks everyday, and will even try to touch me when I say to stop. Then when I get upset he yells at me and says I need to go talk to someone because these things aren't normal. I thought that both of these things are normal post baby experiences, the exhaustion especially with 2 children and taking care of all household chores and errands. Has anyone else experienced this or am I as messed up as my husband says?

PuntasticUsername Sat 07-Jan-17 11:41:06

Totally normal for you to feel that way. Your husband is the one who sounds a bit messed up.

cherrycrumblecustard Sat 07-Jan-17 11:42:11

He doesn't sound very nice but I must admit it really irritates me when DH goes on and on about how tired he is. It was pissing me off so much over Christmas I was ready to strangle him with a wreath.

mummyof2pr Sat 07-Jan-17 11:44:30

@cherrycrumblecustard I understand that. I don't go on and on about it. If I say I'm tired it's usually first thing in the AM when I get up as the baby still wakes a bunch in the night, or at night when we're watching TV and I'm about to go up to bed.

AppleMagic Sat 07-Jan-17 11:47:27

You've got a four month old plus toddler - of course you're exhausted!

Plus you're having to deal with a rapey husband. Is LTB an option?

fourandnomore Sat 07-Jan-17 12:49:14

Ask him if he'd like to talk to someone about his unreasonable behaviour regarding post baby sex while exhausted from night feeds. It might make him realise he is not being very nice to his wife and mother of his two children.

Sex thing aside (as totally normal) maybe he just feels pressure or guilt when you talk about how tired you are as sometimes I think men feel a bit like they can't help much in the night if baby is breastfeeding or only wants mum or something (my dh was a bit like this but we talked about it so that he knew I wasn't asking anything of him just having a vent). Ask him why he reacts so strongly to you saying you are tired and maybe try and open lines of communication that way.

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon Sat 07-Jan-17 13:02:18

What an abusive arsehole. You ask him to stop groping you and he yells at you. He is trying to shout you into submission and imply there is something mentally wrong with you for non compliance.

DameDeDoubtance Sat 07-Jan-17 14:35:35

You had a baby 16 weeks a go and he is badgering you for sex, touching you when you don't want to be touched and being verbally abusive. That isn't normal, his behaviour is selfish and abusive. He is the one who needs to change.

LittleLionMansMummy Sat 07-Jan-17 14:43:29

Oh op, the way your h is being is not normal, but the way you're feeling is. When dh realises I'm exhausted he asks what he can do to help (dd is 6 weeks old) so I can get a little more sleep. He pitches in with all the chores around the house, with dd and our 6yo. With our first child I couldn't even contemplate sex for six months after tearing badly, yet still he was understanding and patient and waited until I was ready. I can't imagine how tiring it is having a toddler as well as a young baby. Your h sounds like an utter nob. Sorry.

Jokeaboutmyhotchoc Sat 07-Jan-17 14:44:37

He sounds like an abusive twat. Does he ever get up with the baby?

diddl Sat 07-Jan-17 14:51:30

That is just awful.

It's different for everyone of course, but not unusual to be exhausted with a young baby & toddler or just with either one!

Does he wake up for & stay awake for the night feeds?

Also, just the constant demands & being on the look out for them all day can be exhausting.

Topseyt Sat 07-Jan-17 14:59:00

You are totally normal.

Your DH's behaviour is not normal though. It is selfish and abusive, plus verging on that of a sex pest.

user1476869312 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:00:27

Another vote for the likelihood that your partner is abusive. Sorry. It's a fairly well-known type of abusive behaviour - the man does nothing to help his tired partner, pesters her for sex then blames her for refusing. He doesn't see you as a human being - you are there to meet his needs.
Are your family supportive and close? Can you talk to them, get help with childcare etc so you can have a rest? Or are they the sort who think that this is just life; the man is the head of the household and must be obeyed?

mummyof2pr Sat 07-Jan-17 15:06:34

He helps a bit when he gets home but usually gets very flustered very quickly and then snaps at everyone. And anytime he does any sort of cleaning or anything for the kids he acts like it's doing me a favour. It's his responsibility as well and he just doesn't see it that way. He complains that we have no relationship now and blames the kids for everything and I've tried telling him if he was more caring and understanding of how I'm feeling I would want to fix that but if things stay this way I have no desire.
Also I have no family here as I am from USA. All we have is his family and he manipulates the story to make me look like the bad guy so I don't think they like me very much. They basically pity him because he "works so hard to put a roof over or heads" etc. My family has had to send us money on numerous occasions because he is so irresponsible. It's all just so ridiculous.

ConvincingLiar Sat 07-Jan-17 15:18:34

Yup, you're normal and entirely reasonable, he's really not.

dollydaydream114 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:22:34

I am pretty sure that any woman with a two-year-old and a baby to look after would be exhausted - and lack of sex must surely be totally normal in those circumstances too?

Your husband is a dickhead. What a horrible way to behave towards you (and, if he is 'blaming' the kids, towards them too).

ListenIda Sat 07-Jan-17 15:34:53

He sounds like an angry, sex-obsessed sexist pain in the ass, to be honest. Being a SAHM to one small child, let alone two, is awful in any circumstances, and being pestered for sex by an angry partner really isn't going to set anyone's juices flowing. It's not you, it's him. What you should do to rectify the situation is another question, though.

DameDeDoubtance Sat 07-Jan-17 15:36:53

op - you deserve better and so do your kids. Please don't allow their childhoods to be ruined by this nasty piece of work, and he will ruin them. they will leave in fear as will you.

Do you jointly own the house, do you have real life support?

mummyof2pr Sat 07-Jan-17 15:43:41

Unfortunately I've got nothing here! I'm here on a visa as his spouse from the USA. DD was born in USA but DS was born here so it will become an international custody issue if I try to leave sad

DameDeDoubtance Sat 07-Jan-17 16:04:21

This will escalate mummy, you need to stand up for yourself and your kids. I am so sorry you are in this situation. flowers

Saukko Sat 07-Jan-17 16:05:47

Could you speak to a solicitor and get some clear advice on your rights?

It is not right he pesters you for sex and yells at you. It is bordering on illegality as 'coercive control' is recognised abuse and sex by coercion and implied threat of violence (ie: shouting, aggression, smashing items) falls into rape/attempted rape territory. The laws are being tightened up around these kinds of men.

I appreciate your immigration status gives you a lot of barriers in the event of you trying to leave. A solicitor or immigration specialist - someone will be able to advise which would be best - could lay out your options for you.

If he physically harms you, call the police. If he physically harms the children, call the police. If he commits rape or attempted rape, call the police. Once it's down on file he is an official Abusive Husband with a record sheet, any bleating he makes about wanting to see the children he has no patience for will pale in comparison to a police log of his actions.

For what it's worth, it is totally normal to be very tired due to night waking, very normal to be exhausted, isolated and lonely EVEN with a supportive DH (who's still out at work all day) and entirely normal, frankly even a survival mechanism, to not want sex with a yelling aggressive monster who snaps at your children.

DameDeDoubtance Sat 07-Jan-17 16:05:50

You need to seek advice and find out exactly where you stand.

DameDeDoubtance Sat 07-Jan-17 16:08:16

I imagine that he feels that he has you trapped, don't let him make you think that, there are always options.

mummyof2pr Sat 07-Jan-17 16:13:41

He used to get very moody and would snap at everyone for a bit and then calm down a bit later and act like nothing happened, which was very annoying. But now it's escalated into him getting into screaming fits and breaking things in the house and kicking a hole in the door and I actually don't feel safe in the house. I've told my mom and she's managed to pay for a hotel for the kids and I until we figure something out or he gets help.

BeanCalledPickle Sat 07-Jan-17 16:17:47

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-violence-and-abuse#coercive-or-controlling-behaviour-offence

If you scroll down you will see that you can get leave to remain as a victim of domestic abuse which has led to your relationship with a British citizen breaking down

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