To think if you go to sleep whilst looking after a one year old they may as well be unattended?(101 Posts)
Dh rarely looks after the children on his own. Both of them together almost never. Consequently I've had no time to do anything since dd was born and she's just turned one. She is absolutely into everything so can't be left in a room on her own even for a minute because she has all the drawers open, climbs on the sofa, finds some tiny object and tries to eat it etc.
Over Christmas one afternoon I asked dh to keep an eye on the children (ds is 7 so not such a hazard to himself) whilst I did some laundry and sorted a few things out. Ds appeared about ten minutes later asking for a snack and said his dad was asleep. Sure enough went bsck down and dh asleep on the sofa, dd thankfully playing rather than trying to injure herself.
Woke him up but then didn't feel comfortable leaving them with him again. I mean I've had no sleep for a year but I manage to stay awake!
Last night I was cooking dinner and again asked dh to have dd in the living room with him as she was all round my feet in the kitchen and I was worried something would get tipped on her or I'd fall over her. Literally five minutes later I hear ds shouting 'no dd!' Go back in and dh is asleep and dd has got the back off the remote control which she's taken out of the drawer and has the batteries out of it.
I feel I can't leave them with him because he just goes to sleep! He manages to stay awake to watch the football or tv in the evenings. He reckons he'd have woken up if something had been wrong but it would have been too late then wouldn't it. I won't leave them with him again but it's making life very difficult. Well ds is ok he doesn't need constant supervision. I won't leave dd with him though. I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to her.
Aibu to think they may as well be on their own if you're just going to go to sleep?
Id be annoyed with DH but youve never left your daughter in another room wihout you for a year ? All kids are into everything so you get things out of the way that they want or could hurt themselves.
That situation is going to give you a breakdown.
YANBU. You may as well leave them unattended because he is not watching them.
My dad was an abusive twat to my mother and one of his tricks was to basically neglect us if we were ever left in his care (which happened only a handful of times) by not giving us meals or not getting us washed and dressed etc. It was a way to control my mum so she felt unable to ever leave the house or have time to herself. If she challenged him he would say "but you can leave them with me!", knowing full well that she actually couldn't because he couldn't be trusted to be a grown up and parent us.
Is it possible that this is a control thing with your DH? It seems bizarre that he is unable to stay awake for more than 5 minutes to watch his children but is able to do so to watch the football. Presumably he also stays awake at work otherwise he'd be sacked.
I rarely leave her at the moment, no. She comes with me or she goes in her cot whilst I have a shower etc.
I remove as much obvious danger as I can but I cannot put absolutely everything away and even if I do she gets it out. Also I worry about ds leaving some small toy out - didn't have that worry first time around. And she's a climber. A climber and a faller.
in this specific situation: yes, your dh is a lazy arse
in a general situation: depends on what they are doing, how child-safe the house is and how heavy a sleeper you are
some children get up in the middle of the night- doesn't mean you are never allowed to sleep until they leave home
you plan around it, e.g. by keeping a child-safe area
doesn't exonerate your dh
I do wonder if there's an element of not wanting to do it so just making a bad job of it.
No - I'm not so worried when they get beyond the stage of putting everything in their mouths / climbing on stuff / pulling things down on themselves etc
YANBU. I asked my DH to watch our DD while I moved the car seat between cars the other day, he said he would. I closed kitchen, lounge, and front door of house behind me. And of course as soon as I get to his car and begin to take out car seat DD is outside with no pants and no shoes running in the street. It's ridiculous. I don't understand how they can't watch a child for 5 minutes when we can do it for an entire day.
I suspect you are right there, OP. To me, your very first statement that he rarely looks after them on their own (and he's had 7 years of opportunities!) tells me everything I need to know on the subject- that sounds like major skiving!
YANBU about your DH. He needs to actually start doing some parenting. Perhaps get him to take your DD to the park or to play in the garden, so he can't fall asleep.
It sounds like a playpen might work for you. Your DD will probably hate it but she will be safe and it will allow you time to get a few odd things done and know she can't get to any harm. Otherwise completely toddler proof a room that you can leave her in just in case she has to be by herself for a few minutes.
I contemplated a play pen. That's kind of how I use the cot anyway though, put her in with a few toys. She stands and screams and tries to climb out.
Bloody useless. I was married to an habitual sleeper too. Useless! Never ever had s break from caring for my DD. Hopeless.
Does he work a lot? Does he have health conditions? Need more information really
Was he like this 7 years with your first?
If he was, wait wise having a second?
He gets away with it because you let him. He does it badly so you do it instead of asking.
I would suggest makong it clear to him that they are his kids. He isn't doing you a favour looking after them and you shouldn't be asking as though he is either.
Simply leave them with him. If they get hurt, it's his fault, not yours, it might take scruple mishaps but he'll learn. If he doesn't learn, you need to question his role in your, and your children's life.
I think you should go back and read Bluebird's post very carefully.
He chooses to not look after his own children.
Yes, you can get a play pen but the harsh truth will remain.
Ok i do sleep or doze sometimes while dd is awake. Mostly if i had a bad night or ill etc. Not when she was 1 though,mostly because even if i managed to sit still lomg enough to fall asleep she'd poke me in the eye and pull at my eyelids.
However, YANBU you asked him twice to look after her,he fell asleep twice within minutes. There's no effort there. And PP might be right that he does such a rubbish job so you don't ask him again.
I am always amazed when I hear about dads just not bothering to do any parenting. How has he gone this long without looking after his own child? It is inexcusable. He's a father - be one! It's an active role, not a passive one.
You do need to be able to leave your child for a couple of minutes unattended, but if he is around, you should be able to leave him in charge without having to give her supervision a second thought.
I won't leave them with him again but it's making life very difficult
Great way for him now to get out of caring for his children
I don't understand how they can't watch a child for 5 minutes when we can do it for an entire day
They can. But they don't have to if they behave incompetently. It's a great trick to get out of parenthood duties. A lot of men use the same trick for getting out of housework too
Here's a simple thought.
The question is not,
"Why is he a bad father?"
The question is,
"Why am I with a bad father?"
I am always amazed when I hear about dads just not bothering to do any parenting. How has he gone this long without looking after his own child?
Easy, the women know the dads are shit but then still go on and have more children with them and then complain on here about them doing nothing. Hello, they did hardly anything when you had the first child. Why have more for fucks sake?
If this was my Dh I'd just wake him up and plonk dd on him. Every. Single. Time. I also wonder if Bluebird's post has hit the nail on the head, is his behaviour a control issue? Other than that he's a lazy parent and needs to get his arse off the sofa and start behaving like a grown up.
What a useless lazy twat he is, OP.
Barring any underlying health conditions, what sort of arse can't be arsed to stay awake and look after his own dc? Does he fall asleep at work? With friends? Doing anything else? Or just with his own dc?!
What do you get out of this relationship??
I would sit down and have a serious talk with him about caring for the children and the fact you can't trust him with them. It's not that this is a control thing on your side, which lots of primary carers feel because they are used to being responsible day in, day out but this is about not being partners when it comes to parenting. You shouldn't feel that your children's father can't be trusted to look after his own children. That is not good. A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her husband kept putting her child in really dangerous situations without even realising. She had a very serious conversation about their future. He really was not aware. He had been brought up in such a way himself and really didn't see the dangers. He changed so drastically she felt secure and it really helped their relationship.
So sorry that your DH is such a useless twat in the long term you need to decide if this is really the man you want to be a role model for your DD and a partner in your life...
In the short term I would say you need to either get the playpen. Or easier, cheaper and probably better for a happy baby is to properly baby proof one downstairs room and put a stair gate over the door so you can get on with things while chatting , listening and checking regularly. You cannot go on like this.
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