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To tell my husband that if he doesn't start showing interest, I want a divorce?

(238 Posts)
FrustratedFedUp Sat 07-Jan-17 09:57:44

Husband never into sex. I have to instigate it every time. He denies this and says he does instigate but when he does, it's after I've been moaning at him about it so it's still not exactly him doing it off his own back, it's him doing it out of duty.

On a night he won't come to bed until he's tired enough to sleep. I go about 11, suggest that he comes with me on occasion and he makes excuses and comes much later. By then, we're both too tired.

On the rare occasion that we get a lie in together he stays asleep until well into the morning. If I try and wake him he says he's still waking up an hour or so later. In the end I get bored and get up.

This morning - feeling so frustrated I put his hand on my boob. He touched me for a bit but kept stopping. I tried to keep him going but he wasn't even looking at me, still laid with his head in the pillow, eyes closed, no interest at all.

In the end I asked him what the problem was. Why is he never into it? Why does he never show any interest in me? Why is it such hard work??? He said I was shit stirring and mood swinging and said he was into it until I spoilt it by moaning but he clearly wasn't!!! He kept stopping, wasn't even looking at me, never tried to instigate anything else - it was ducking obvious he wasn't into it and that's why I got him to stop because it just started to feel awkward.

He stormed downstairs in the end and I've told him that if he doesn't start showing an interest I'll leave.

I feel so rejected. I'm only 35, not overweight or anything different to what I was when he met me (when we had a sex life!!). He's 10 years older than me. I feel like I'm missing out. I'm laid here on a Saturday morning feeling alone, rejected and frustrated. He makes no effort at all.

The other day I found myself so frustrated I started searching for porn. I feel like shit. Never had to beg for intimacy before. AIBU to tell him that if he doesn't make the effort I want a divorce? I don't want to live like this. I'll end up having an affair and that's not me.

Trifleorbust Sat 07-Jan-17 10:01:02

I really feel for you because the lack of communication on the issue must be driving you crazy flowers

Don't have an affair. It isn't unreasonable for you to consider a divorce, but I think you need to say that he needs to start communicating more honestly or you will seek divorce, not that he needs to have sex. He may have ED or be exhausted or depressed, or it may be something that shows him in a worse light, like an OW or just laziness.

FrustratedFedUp Sat 07-Jan-17 10:02:54

He doesn't have ED, if we ever get as far as touching him he can get an erection immediately every time.

FrustratedFedUp Sat 07-Jan-17 10:04:01

I suppose that's what I want. Some communication on it. I don't just want sex no matter what, I want him to want it too and if he doesn't, I need to know why because my confidence is suffering so much

TiggyCBE Sat 07-Jan-17 10:04:35

Maybe his hormones are up the spout? Could you insist he has a check up?

Trifleorbust Sat 07-Jan-17 10:05:08

Then that's what you should tell him. It is not ridiculous for him to go off sex, but leaving you in limbo like this is very unfair.

Polskieexpat Sat 07-Jan-17 10:09:27

Op, I'm in exactly the same position as you. Almost word for word you could be me. I've had it out with my husband more times than I can remember but I won't leave yet because I do still love him.

I can only suggest that you try to talk to him. Try to keep calm and start the discussion out of the bedroom (I have done this and it does seem to make a difference and I've also tried to stay calm but it doesn't always happen!). Empathy goes a long way and I've had my husband say to me that he feels like he can't please me the way he wants. Perhaps that could be an issue?

I'm in the situation now where I'm horribly awkward in bed and can't even instigate anything myself anymore. It's a vicious circle and I hope you have more luck than me.

dudsville Sat 07-Jan-17 10:10:42

We had this situation but without the arguments because in the beginning I was fresh out of an argument-fuelled relationship and thought all it would do is cause him more angst. I tried many things but it never changed. I decided he suffers from anxiety and made a commitment to him because we get on so well otherwise and I thought he'd make a great father. There was a long period of time when I was low and preoccupied, so it didn't matter. I feel like I woke up this year to find myself fenced in. I don't know where this is going. We're a decade in to an otherwise good relationship.

mortificado Sat 07-Jan-17 10:12:33

I'm in the exact same position, I don't really have any advice, just sympathy for you. I also feel like I'm going to end up having an affair and that isn't me.

FrustratedFedUp Sat 07-Jan-17 10:21:57

See it's not just sex I'm craving, its affection, feeling wanted and desired. That sense of urgency about someone who can't wait to get close to you. He doesn't even kiss me properly. I can't remember the last affection kiss I had. I've just told him calmly that we need to talk to which he responded with "no we don't, it's all bullshit".

That's the level of maturity I'm dealing with here.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 07-Jan-17 10:25:51

A mutually satisfying sex-life is the glue that binds a couple together. Tell him this. I cannot conceive of how humiliating it must be to be forced into the position of a sex-pest with your own husband.

He's either lost interest in you completely or he has an outlet elsewhere. He needs to be honest with you before you can decide how you proceed.

Whisky2014 Sat 07-Jan-17 10:26:05

Well leave him then! He cant be arsed.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 07-Jan-17 10:28:20

Is it possible he doesn't want to be cuddly and kissy in case he thinks it will lead to expectations of sex?

You do need to talk to him. Maybe agree on a period where you will wait for him to insitigate sex if he doesn't then reassess.

I couldn't live in a sexless marriage I couldn't live in one where I was nagging or being nagged for sex either that would really upset me.

CremeBrulee Sat 07-Jan-17 10:30:20

Sounds like a secret porn addict to me. Especially as he is not going to bed and staying downstairs alone a lot.

He's a selfish, disrespectful twunt if I'm right.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sat 07-Jan-17 10:31:41

Tbh OP if you were a man saying this about your wife you'd be ripped to shit for your behaviour.

You can't make someone want sex, although you can pressurise, bully and cajole someone in to it. Do you really want that?

Suggest counselling or issue an ultimatum.

NeeNahh Sat 07-Jan-17 10:35:30

It was like this with my ex. It was horrible. When I tried to talk to him about it he just said he did want to have sex and insisted he still fancied me but then just woudn't do it. It wasn't the only reason we split but it paid a big part in my decision.

It wasn't that he didn't want to it was that he buried his head in the sand and refused to admit that it was an issue which made it impossible to fix.

I don't regret my decision to split up with him, although I do miss him sometimes as he is a good guy.

haveacupoftea Sat 07-Jan-17 10:37:48

He is probably watching porn and got too lazy to make any effort in bed. A quick wank is easier than sex. I'd ring your ISP and get them to switch on strict filters so no adult material can be accessed from anywhere in the house. See what the result is.

PickAChew Sat 07-Jan-17 10:39:19

Agree with milk. If he doesn't want sex, he doesn't want it. If the tables were turned and he put your hand on his crotch, that would be unacceptable.

You need to deal with the lack of day to day intimacy and affection and the fact that he won't discuss it. Don't harrassment him for sex any more but do be firm about needing to talk about your relationship in general because it is not making you happy. Be clear that, if he refuses to discuss it, like a grown adult, with or without the support of a counsellor, then you can't see a viable future for your relationship.

HappyFlappy Sat 07-Jan-17 10:40:35

See it's not just sex I'm craving, its affection, feeling wanted and desired.

Absolutely Frustrated - it's the emotional as well as the physical closeness. If he isn't even prepared to discuss how you feel it is very difficult.

Couples can still be close without a sexual component to their relationship, but there has to be a mutual consideration and affectionate cuddling, I thin, even if the act of intercourse is not possible for some reason with either party.

SaucyJack Sat 07-Jan-17 10:42:05

Have you tried leaving it for a couple of months?

I've been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour, and I have to say being hassled and nagged for sex is just about the biggest turn-off going.

SomethingLikeFlying Sat 07-Jan-17 10:43:26

Another one who agrees with Milk and I'm glad someone else pointed that out before me. If you was a man talking about your wife you'd be getting very different answers.

LucklessMonster Sat 07-Jan-17 10:45:03

I cannot conceive of how humiliating it must be to be forced into the position of a sex-pest with your own husband.

Wow. Nobody can be forced into being a sex pest. hmm

OP, I was in your husband's position in my marriage, constantly being badgered for sex. I would go to bed late, hoping my husband would be asleep, so he couldn't make hints or start groping me. I avoided kissing or touching him because I knew it would lead to him wanting sex. I would pretend to be asleep.

There is NOTHING unsexier than someone pushing you for sex when you don't want it.

I divorced him.

NothingIsOK Sat 07-Jan-17 10:47:11

Forced into being a sex pest? Take a moment to read that back and switch the genders Bitter.

The hypocrisy of mumsnet in full glory.

Woman doesn't want sex - he needs to let you be, give you space and stop bullying you. It's assault if he tries to make you carry on.
Man doesn't want sex - he must be a porn addict, get him seen by a medic and switch off the Internet, and how dare he force you to be a sex pest.

NapQueen Sat 07-Jan-17 10:48:04

If a man came on here and moaned about his wife who didn't come to bed the same time, didn't want morning sex and how he had taken her hand an put it on his penis there would be very very different responses and accusations that the man wasn't doing enough around the house or what not and this is why her sex drive had diminished.

I'm shocked at the responses here tbh.

NapQueen Sat 07-Jan-17 10:48:28

Xpost with nothing

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