In laws won't visit(33 Posts)
Never posted before so please be kind but this is starting to really bother me....
Bit of background, we live away from in-laws but other siblings and families still in same village. We visit as often as we can (3-4 times a year if not more if possible). In the past 7 years PIL's have visited us just 3 times, the last being over 2 years ago and for siblings it's between 3 and 5 years. We all get on very well and there is no bad feeling between anyone (that I am aware of?!)....I don't understand why they don't want to come and stay.....AIBU to feel hurt that they don't actively make time....we are busy too but realise that it's important to visit to stay connected.....or should I just accept that they are too busy......I just can't imagine not going to visit my children or grandchildren for that or any length of time! Thanks for your thoughts....again, please be kind - have recently re-found Mumsnet and love the community of it and look forward to joining in ￼￼￼
Going off the vast majority of mners I would enjoy!!
We are nc with in-laws which is just perfect!! If they are happy with things maybe just accept it and maybe get the kids to send good old fashioned letters when they are older!? Or Skype?
My MIL lives about a 5 minute walk away. We see her a fair bit during the week. Last week she came to ours for the third time in two years (the first time we hadn't actually moved in). She says she's "not much of a visitor". She just prefers the comfort of her own home. She doesn't go to see anyone really, it doesn't mean she doesn't want to see us/our children. Could this be the case with your in-laws?
My inlaws are duffers - if we haul asses it's fine, but they don't make an effort. Everyone gets on great, no issues...I don't get it either. I think they just don't think of travelling since the rest of the family live in a 20minute radius (granted, we've lived overseas for a long time but have back in the UK for a year now. They don't do Skype etc either but are 100% iPad literate). My husband is quite hurt by it but we've kind of just accepted it.
My in laws do come and visit us, but for some reason they much prefer it if we go to them. I guess in your case they feel that if siblings still live there it's better for only your family to make the trip and be able to see everyone - more efficient iyswim?
Have you invited them? What do they say?
Basically I would think they like their own comforts, and for you to visit and see all of them at the same time.
Me, my partner and my two dc's moved over 200 miles to be near pil. Before the move we used to visit them 4 times a year, but they desperately wanted to see the grandchildren grow up etc, now we live less than 5 minutes away from them..and they have visited once in 18 months and have lost all interest in the grandchildren.haven't told them yet but we are moving back to our hometown in the summer.
I think both sides could make more of an effort, three times a year is nothing.
However they are older and may simply prefer the comforts of home and be uncomfortable travelling and feel it's easier for you to go there as more of them live there.
My Mum and dad used to be like this.
They genuinely didn't want to put us out in any way, or cause us to go to any bother in hosting them.
When they did come they would bring enough food and drink to feed an army!
We are not poor and would have loved them to come more often.
When we visited them they would pull out all the stops.
Staying with other people is always hard, no matter how hospitable they are. You don't sleep properly, worry about flushing loo in night, can't get a tea when you want. Maybe offer to pay for a hotel for them? A travelodge would do.
WhateverShallIdo assuming there are no issues, you are not being unreasonable.
By issues I mean like ill health or difficulty driving (being in my 50s, my and my sister's in-laws are now in their 80s so driving long distances or at night are not favored).
But I am not sure you can make them visit, you can on;y invite them and if they choose not to come, then accept it.
I am guessing on some level they might feel that if you moved away (if you did) that you be expected to travel to them.
What happens if you invite them? What do they say?
Thanks for all your replies, they are about 2 hours away and not "old" They did used to visit regularly as did we but it has just grown to a halt from their side. We invite and they say "yes we must" and so it goes on. I think Italiangreyhound you are on my wavelength as I do "try and justify" it by saying we moved we should accept it but sometimes it just gets to me - kids occasionally ask why they don't visit - and they're almost not kids anymore - 17 and 13!
Scotinoz you have described the situation in a much better way than me - I am loathe to criticise them but it would be nice for even just once a year....they don't work and spend a lot of time seeing the "local" family every week!!
BTW probably should have called this "DON'T visit" and not WON'T
Honestly, be grateful. MN is littered with tales of overbearing and ever present ILs. You are getting the better deal!
Ilovecaindingle and Aderyn I do enjoy (and am grateful for) the fact that we have a good relationship with in laws as like you I have noticed that it is unusual on MN....am happy to have posted as was looking for the positive responses to pull me away from getting fed up (iyswim?) and just get on with it!!
It's laziness - it's easier for you to travel for them, and they may well view it as your job to travel as everyone else has stayed close by so you should travel.
For siblings, I assume when you go to visit your PIL, you do the rounds and see everyone, or everyone gets together. So it could be they don't have a relationship with you alone from the other family IYSWIM - they wouldn't think to visit you alone as seeing you is something that's done as a group activity.
Try inviting them for a particular thing. Can you contact your DH's sibling, and say "it's been too long, fancy meeting up half way for Sunday lunch? We are free on X, Y or Z weekends, do any of those work for you?"
For your PIL - "Would you like to come here for Mothers Day?" you could always offer to extend that to a weekend if they want to stay.
When we lived away from my parents, my DM said, "But it's easier for you to visit us." Yes, Mum because I work full time and have three small children, while you and Dad are retired.
My PIL do not visit much either. They will drive 3 hours to see us for lunch, then drive back. They do this about once a year. DH goes to visit them about 3 times a year for one night at a time. I have not been to their house for over 6 years, I am always busy. My kids are not their grandkids so no need for them to see them.
That works for us.
The older I get the less I like the prospect of staying in other people's houses - and I think this is quite common. You just get more and more entrenched in liking your own comforts and less prepared to share bathrooms/sleep on sofa beds. If you suggested a nearby Travelodge/B&B might that go down better?
invisible** Yes when we visit we all get together but as with PIL's they all used to visit - admittedly it is since they all had children that they have stopped - always excused to commitments but you know we have some of them too....I always wonder what would happen if we were suddenly "too busy" to make time for family....I guess I will try the half way thing - Mother's Day etc never works "cos it isn't fair on the others that want to be with them"!
My DPs are like this, they consider a 2 hour drive practically a trip to Australia! I suspect (although they haven't outright said it) that they believe it is the duty of their children to make the journey to them now, despite them both being retired and all of us being frantically busy with work etc... They are also becoming increasingly nervous drivers which I do sympathise with.
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