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What would you do with this information after being good with DH for a few years?

(115 Posts)
MadJeffBarn Fri 06-Jan-17 17:53:11

I'll try not to drip feed but I'll try and keep it short...
4 years ago my dh formed a friendship with a girl he worked with. This developed into more, although he swears blind nothing ever happened physically between them. It's such a long story but it was a horrible time in my life, I had PND with our 9 month old daughter at the time, and I know I was pushing him away but he sought solice in her. Eventually it all kicked off because o was tired of feeling second best, he admitted he had feelings for her but still wanted to hang out with her, because, and i quote, 'he didn't want to upset her because all her male friends fancy her and they always end up falling out' and so I kicked him out. He went to the office christmas party and got trashed, which I knew about.
I was told by one of his coworkers that him and the girl in question had a huge argument, and he left. But ive since found out they left together. When I questioned my dh, he said he was so drunk he doesn't even remember arguing with her. I asked him, does he think they slept together... and he said honestly, I don't know.
We've spent the last 4 years working at our relationship, and he's been an absolute angel, both in being faithful and in our relationship in general. But it's playing on my mind. This whole portion of my life was one of the most horrific things I've ever been through, I'm certainly not a jealous person and that's why it was so hard. I drove myself crazy and the only reason i decided to let him back in was because i believed nothing physical ever happened. Should I just leave it? There's no way to prove either way anyway.

AyeAmarok Fri 06-Jan-17 17:55:37

"I can't remember if I slept with her" = "I did, but I'm too much of a coward to admit it".

I'd make your decisions based on the fact he did.

Crowdblundering Fri 06-Jan-17 17:57:39

If you have rebuilt your relationship from all the troubles and are genuinely happy then leave it and move on.

TweedAddict Fri 06-Jan-17 17:58:58

He slept with her, and most likely more then once

EC22 Fri 06-Jan-17 17:59:57

It's in the past.
If you are happy now, can you let it go and move forward? That's what I think I'd do x

cherrycrumblecustard Fri 06-Jan-17 18:00:46

Agree with crowd

WorraLiberty Fri 06-Jan-17 18:01:07

I can tell you know that in my whole life I have only ever met one person who had a complete memory loss after getting drunk, and that was because she was taking very strong prescription meds.

Imo most people only claim complete memory loss, when they have something to hide.

However, you took him back so I'm not sure what kicking the hornets nest would do at this point.

How would you react if he admits to sleeping with her?

WorraLiberty Fri 06-Jan-17 18:01:58

*now

Strongmummy Fri 06-Jan-17 18:03:34

I would think he did sleep with her. If you still love him, your relationship is now good and you trust him, move on. You may need counselling to be able to do this.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 06-Jan-17 18:05:02

I agree with Crowd

HopefullyAnonymous Fri 06-Jan-17 18:05:51

For me the damage would be done. It's like a fresh wound to find out the truth after so long, whereas to him it's probably in the past and forgotten/irrelevant. Agree with pp that if you were to try and move past it, counselling may help.

Peanutandphoenix Fri 06-Jan-17 18:06:21

I would be kicking him and forgetting about him he does know whether he slept with her or not and I reckon he did and he just doesn't want to tell you the truth because he's too much of a coward. Once a cheat always a cheat.

SparkleShinyGlitter Fri 06-Jan-17 18:07:30

There is a chance he really doesn't remember if anything happened due to drink I know in my drunken state on a few Ibiza holidays back in the day I couldn't tell you what I got up to for the 10 hours it took me to get back to the hotel!

For me if I was happy in the relationship right now I would let sleeping dogs lie and continue with our life together

KatieScarlett Fri 06-Jan-17 18:10:59

Has anyone, ever, not known if they slept with someone or not?
Or am I a naive innocent?
I have had more than my fair share of debauchery and never once was I in any doubt if I DTD.
Sounds like convenient amnesia to me.

MummyToThree479 Fri 06-Jan-17 18:11:07

When drunk after my first marriage ended I went out and go very drunk and I know I went home with a male friend but I'll be fucked if I now for sure if we had sex. I know we opened the oven but 20 years on I don't know if we baked the potatoes. I'm sure 100's of people will say oh he must of had sex and that's why he's claiming no memory but people do have nights they can't remember

If I was happy right now and he was a good dad/DH then no way would I be ending my relationship because of it

Grilledaubergines Fri 06-Jan-17 18:11:08

Once a cheat always a cheat.

With bells on.

PurpleMinionMummy Fri 06-Jan-17 18:12:29

No one can answer this but you. Is it going to eat at you forever or can you let it go?

TiredBefuddledRose Fri 06-Jan-17 18:15:36

Is she still part of his life?

I think you know deep down he cheated with her, the real question is can you spend the rest of your life pretending it's not true?

The fact it still plays on your mind makes me think you need to have it out with him, you won't be able to move on from it until you do.

ENormaSnob Fri 06-Jan-17 18:18:11

Course he shagged her. And had probably been angling to for qyite a while by the sounds of it.

Gather your self respect and get rid.

BlessYourCottonSocks Fri 06-Jan-17 18:23:27

Have you only just discovered this? Or have you been brooding about it for four years? You took him back knowing that he had had an inappropriate relationship with another woman - be that emotional or physical - and so I think the decision was made then. There is nothing to be gained by raking up the past. You need to accept that whatever occurred did so four years ago and focus on the future.

MadMags Fri 06-Jan-17 18:24:06

He slept with her, of course he did.

What you do with the "information" is your business. Personally, I wouldn't stay married to a cheat. And I think women who do have zero self-respect.

roarityroar Fri 06-Jan-17 18:29:08

Ive been in situations once or twice years who when I really don't know if I did or not. Friends have too. It's not that rare.

YorkiesGlasses Fri 06-Jan-17 18:29:22

Are they still friends now?

TheWoodlander Fri 06-Jan-17 18:30:42

I would guess he had a full-blown affair with her - but as you've been mending things with him the past four year, I would say you should find a way to put this behind you now.

Incidentally, I had full-on memory loss on Christmas Day (well, night) I'm ashamed to say. blush I barely remember my guests leaving, and I don't remember going to bed. I did manage to post on Mumsnet though confused I'd also managed to hang up the dress I was wearing.

No prescription drugs involved - just a day of prosecco followed by red wine. That I won't be repeating.

YorkiesGlasses Fri 06-Jan-17 18:32:28

Ive been in situations once or twice years who when I really don't know if I did or not. Friends have too. It's not that rare.

But it's a lot less rare for women.

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