Aibu to ask for advice on how to talk to friend ttc(19 Posts)
My closest friend is TTC at nearly 42 and it's not happening. She had a massive go at me today about 'people fucking asking her all the time about it' - I have gently asked once in a year about how she is but really have avoided asking or even mentioning it as its none of my business.
But on the flip side, she's really defensive and arsy about anyone with kids and so it's pretty impossible to have a conversation about children at all which is tricky as I have 2.
What's a sensitive way to handle this -I'm really trying to be supportive, to not ask, to not pry etc but it's hard when I can't even mention my own kids.
Aibu to ask for advice on how to be supportive without being being accused of prying etc
I would talk about other things
You don't need to talk about the kids do you ?
Or suggest the cinema
I would say something like: 'I'm really sorry you feel everyone is asking about it too much- I won't mention it again but I'm here for you if you do want to chat.' Also (I'm sure you don't!) but try to avoid saying anything negative about your own kids (eg they're being difficult or you're tired from being up with them etc). tough one.
It's really hard- I feel like I can't even talk about my kids birthdays/Xmas etc. Or kind of be myself and mention if I am tired - I feel like I am walking on eggshells a lot
Do you have to talk to her about it? I'm ttc too & the people closest to me know well to leave the subject alone. The anger doesn't really come from a rational place - mostly from a place of shame. If you keep bringing it up expect a bad reaction
Why has she told everyone she's ttc?
I would stay clear of the subject unless she brings it up. And there's nothing more boring than hearing about other people's kids whether or not you have your own. If she politely asks about them, politely answer but keep it short. " they're fine thanks" will do.
Going against the grain, actually I think your friend is being quite selfish, and I say that as someone going through fertility treatment. Yes it changes the way you view the world and it is heartbreaking, but she's meant to care about you.
Obviously don't spend time complaining about being a parent, but if she's your friend, you need to be able to talk about your life in general, and that is going to include your children!
Have you told her that you're scared of saying the wrong thing? If one of my friends told me that I'd be horrified! Friendship is meant to be a 2 way thing,
@handbag that's how I feel a bit- my kids are an instrinsic part of my life and it's hard not to talk about them. I've never been a 'baby bore' but obvs I do talk about them a bit. Finding it all really tricky because on the one hand I'm not allowed to mention the ttc but on the other hand she did tell me as well so as a good friend I want to ask how she is. But it's like I'm in the wrong for ever mentioning it- I just don't know what to do for the best
I've never been a 'baby bore' but obvs I do talk about them a bit.
I'm not saying you are, but those that are don't think they are either.
People sometimes don't realise just how much they talk in general or complaints about things around their DC.
These sort of things become exaggerated for people ttc.
Slightly different but I have two kids with autism. It's very hard. It's also hard when my friends with children who have no issues moan and complain about them. I normally swallow it but it really hurts. Maybe kids are just a subject best to avoid for now.
I would just be very honest with her and say that it's very difficult not knowing if asking her about ttc is going to upset her or if she wants to talk about it.
Agree with pp in that her feelings are irrational but cannot be changed - they are her feelings .
If you arrange to go out the cinema was a great idea and maybe just a drink after to chat about the film.
Try to keep meet ups fairly short, lunch rather than dinner maybe and with other people so that the conversation is diffused a bit by others.
@SanitysStake ttc= trying to conceive
OP surely the best thing here is to support your friend by all means possible (until she either has a child or accepts being child free), not get too worked up about not talking about your kids? There are plenty of things to do and say that don't involve kids - why not go to day spas or get your hair/nails done, suggest a club/gym/activity that you can go to together to try something new. Those are some of the things my friends have done for me. But then I was a pretty good friend before ttc so maybe they're being more accommodating as a result.
(Coming from someone dealing with seven years of infertility and no baby)
I think your friend is being selfish. Friends do not get to censor what other friends talk about.
I also can't understand people "announcing" that they're TTCing, especially when there's a good chance that the odds are against them at 42.
Not exactly the same thing but I'm also walking on egg shells at the moment. I work with a woman who 12 months ago told me she and her long term partner were having lots of issues as she wanted a baby and he didn't. She was going through a really hard time, we were quite close and she'd talk to me about it a few times a week. About a month after she'd started talking to me about her problems I caught pregnant and due to the nature of our job (and her in a senior role) I had to tell her straight away. I was dreading it, my voice was shaking and after I told her she pretty much walked away from me and didn't even acknowledge what I had said, she wouldn't even look at me. She was pretty horrible to me about it in hindsight. Unfortunately three weeks later I miscarried and I'm assuming she felt quite guilty as suddenly she was all over me again, offering me condolences and a shoulder to cry on etc.
Over the last 12 months she and her partner continued to clash over wanting a baby and about a month ago they split up and as Sod's Law would have it I found out I was pregnant again at the same time.
Again I dreaded telling her and again she has been really dismissive of me and has started acting really different with me at work again. Over the last few weeks she's been making passive aggressive spiteful-ish comments towards me, in front of other colleagues, and it's really hard.
I'm supposed to be working with her tomorrow and I'm dreading it.
YANBU to be confused about what to say and how to say it to your friend, it's really difficult and it's not nice to be on the end of someone's anger/frustration when actually you've done nothing wrong. To be honest, if I had a friend who made me the feel the way yours is then I would probably back off a little.
Another infertile person here who thinks your friend is being unreasonable. You sound like you're being sensitive and it's not realistic to expect someone with kids to not talk about them at all. As long as you don't bang on about babies or pressure her to talk about her ttc I'm not sure what else she could expect from you. There's some good advice up thread, I hope you can find a way of continuing your friendship with her.
It took me 7 years and 6 IVF attempts to get my family. I lost a lot of friends along way as lives go in different directions.
Some of my friends who weren't succesf in their fertility journey have also been lost for the same reason
It isn't about fertility it is because similarities get lesser and less. Sad but true
What is she actually doing to make you feel like this?
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