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To think this is homophobic

(93 Posts)
Santander1 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:09:20

My dd has come out as gay recently. Myself and her stepfather were cool with it, I felt a 'pang' at the reduced probability of grandchildren, and the concern for her struggling against prejudice, but I kept them to myself and I'm coming to terms with it.

She's brought her girlfriend home this evening. She's delightful as I knew she would be. However my husband said once they'd gone out 'have you had a word with them to be discreet, you know what I mean, in front of the children' (we have two dcs at primary school)

I said no I haven't, because I think that would come across as quite homophobic. He vehemently disagreed, saying that the children should know about normal relations before being exposed to .. he never quite finished that sentence.

My counter remark was, when her ex boyfriend was over, they would be cuddly and that was fine! They were never too public. Husband said 'well that's different, this isn't normal'

Now I honestly think that he doesn't mean any harm at all, in fact he sat dd down when she came out and said he was happy for her as long as she was happy, and to feel free to bring anyone she liked home.

He is pretty old fashioned. I can understand his concerns but I still think if I said this to dd she would be upset.

AIBU ?

DailyFail1 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:11:56

Could it be a double-standard ie it's okay for your dd to be lgbt but not his kids? If so it is definitely homophobic.

MouseLove Thu 05-Jan-17 18:12:41

Yes it's homophobic. Gay relationships are completely normal. I also find it sad that people still need to announce a sexual preference.

Waffles80 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:13:17

Definitely homophobic.

letsghostdance Thu 05-Jan-17 18:13:51

I mean, that's very obviously homophobic. Falls under "it's okay if they do it, I just wish they wouldn't rub my face in it." when they're just acting like anyone in a relationship would.

Not great.

Waltermittythesequel Thu 05-Jan-17 18:13:54

You can understand his concerns??

Trifleorbust Thu 05-Jan-17 18:16:37

Yes, that is homophobic.

It's a really good thing for your younger DCs to 'be exposed' to a range of 'normal' relationship types.

letsghostdance Thu 05-Jan-17 18:17:07

Oh, I missed the "share his concerns" part. What are you concerned will happen? That your other children will catch "the gayness"?

Delfy Thu 05-Jan-17 18:17:52

Totally agree that this is homophobic. Implying being gay isn't normal is blatant homophobia.
In my experience it's the primary school aged children that have the least problem with it ( I'm a lesbian and a nanny). It's literally a case of saying some boys love boys and some girls love girls.

peri89 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:19:23

The children should know about normal relations?

Normal?

What the fuck. That would be my response. That's the type of prejudice you fear her receiving.

Crumbs1 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:20:15

Homophobic but personally I think an excess of kissing and cuddling is not something to be done in public- whether gay or straight. Can't abide couples cavorting on trains, in shopping centres, on beaches etc.

John4703 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:20:22

Homophobia can be hard to break down. I think you need to support your DH and help him to realise that it is normal. It can take time for some people to work it all out but he sounds very open and just needs to think it through.

millymaid Thu 05-Jan-17 18:20:39

YANBU being gay is normal, so is not being gay. Your other kids will be fine. Maybe your DH needs a bit more time and possibly information? You sound like a lovely mum, btw.

Vidorra Thu 05-Jan-17 18:21:21

'This isn't normal' angry

Very homophobic

BraveDancing Thu 05-Jan-17 18:23:25

Totally homophobic and will seriously damage your relationship with DD if/when she catches onto that attitude.

Your kids won't catch gayness. They may catch bigotry.

fortheloveofcats Thu 05-Jan-17 18:23:30

If my stepfather said something like that and my mother didn't stand up for me, I'd never speak to either of them again. It's horrible and absolutely homophobic. Your daughter is normal. Her relationship is normal.

semideponent Thu 05-Jan-17 18:23:52

I'd hesitate to label…sometimes people need time and (crucially) familiarity and affection for attitudes to catch up, don't you think?

We are complex: a patchwork of thoughts and judgements that shift slowly one way or the other. In a way, your DH is being honest by being a bit contradictory.

It sounds as though overall your DH is trying to go in the right direction and I don't think it's worth indirectly setting him and your DD against each other yet. I don't envy you feeling stuck in the middle, but I would give things more time - and carry on being the great Mum to your DD that your post shows you are.

Thefitfatty Thu 05-Jan-17 18:25:15

Very homophobic! My DB is gay and my DC are 5 and 3. Even though we live in the Middle East we talk openly about DB having boyfriends. It is NORMAL!

AmeliaJack Thu 05-Jan-17 18:26:42

My children have been "exposed" confused to gay relationships since they were babies. As far as they are concerned homosexual is as normal as heterosexual just perhaps a bit less common.

What is it he thinks is going to happen to your youngest?

Daisyfrumps Thu 05-Jan-17 18:27:06

this isn't normal

Sorry OP, he's being completely unacceptable and downright offensive and insulting. He doesn't think your DD is normal. That's homophobic as well as not terribly loving flowers

Daisyfrumps Thu 05-Jan-17 18:28:19

And how absolutely dare he try to dictate her behaviour.

DontKnowWhatHappensNow Thu 05-Jan-17 18:29:17

children should know about normal relations before being exposed to

Err, if they're in primary school they will already know that gay people exist!

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 05-Jan-17 18:30:22

He's being homophobic op, in thought if not in action.

DailyMaui Thu 05-Jan-17 18:31:30

My brother in law is gay and my children have seen him kiss and cuddle his boyfriend (and there have been three since they were born). I'm not talking full on hot snogs, but your average snuggle, lip pecks etc.

Consequently they have grown up thinking being gay is normal. They have not caught the gay: 13 year old admitted he likes girls and the 11 year old has been caught googling cute boys and is planning on marrying my neighbour's son. Plenty of time for either of them to discover their gayness but who cares. I'll love them whatever.

I do think your husband is being homophobic and I'm afraid I disagree with easing him into gay acceptance. The time for that is over. It's 2017. Gay is good. Gay is normal. Homophobia is horrible.

crazydoglady6867 Thu 05-Jan-17 18:31:46

I am going to probably get shot down for this, but, I can see that he would have concerns but purely from his own inability to process what is going on. I care not who a person chooses to have relations with so am in no way homophobic, I can however see that your DH may have a hard time processing all of this so soon and then to have to explain to his younger children ( I think they would not bat an eyelid though, but he doesn't know that!) he is feeling worried because of his lack of understanding maybe.

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