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To have told my mother some home truths ?

(13 Posts)
sammyjayneex Thu 05-Jan-17 14:22:35

So I had it out with mother today (by text) due to my childhood because i have been really unhappy lately how she brought me up. It's been playing on my mind a lot ( don't know why only recently just has) I have never told her my feelings before but just had to get it off my chest.

My main anger is aimed at her putting men and booze before me and my siblings. She fed us tin food and loads of other crap ( which has ruined my teeth) and she was with my dad until I was 4 but they split up because of his drink and I never saw him again then the same year she met my step dad who also liked his drink (they were together 24 years) but they bought alcohol and fags every night which made me suffer depression at 15. She didn't get me help for my OCD because she couldn't be bothered which I had aged 8 so I have suffered through childhood, my teens and now as an adult with OCD. It's making me so depressed thinking about all this. My sister feels the same way. She also didn't even realise our older brother was making us 'do things'. Her head in her arse i guess. My sister confided in me a few months back at what he did to her and it stirred up some memories of my own.. it's hard to remember exact details because I'm 28 now but I remember worrying that I was 'pregnant' as a child ( hadn't even started my periods yet) because I was worried I could get pregnant through the things I was told to do. I know I was abused at some point in my life because of these small parts of memories and it's making me angry that I can't remember the full extent of it. Is this normal? I remember that pregnancy worry like it was yesterday so it must mean I was so young because children don't know how pregnancy actually occurs so young. My mother didn't even come to my wedding as well which hurts. My mum left my step dad a few years ago due to his drink and my sister (this is her real dad, we have same mum, different dad) recently had fathered other kids same age as my sister now with different woman. He's now with one of the woman so my step dad wasn't even faithful to my mum but when I asked her how she feels about it she said ' I had men too so I'm not bothered' so it makes me angry that she brought a man into my life who wasn't even right so therefore I've lived a lie all the way through my childhood, two men in my life who failed to be good fathers. Makes me so angry

So now I've told her my feelings she's not acknowledged my feelings and told me to 'never speak to her again' and 'one day you will need me and I won't be there'

Am i being unreasonable to have had it out with her?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Thu 05-Jan-17 14:24:59

You should've had the conversation face to face or on the phone not by text. Sounds like you'd benefit from some counselling to help with your feelings of anger.

DailyFail1 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:43:23

Agree this is a face to face conversation. Have you and your sister mentioned the abuse from your brother before? Do you think she already knows?

sammyjayneex Thu 05-Jan-17 14:44:43

I didn't want to say it to her face because I think she wouldnt react very well

sammyjayneex Thu 05-Jan-17 14:45:42

Me and my sister have never mentioned the abuse to her and she's never mentioned anything to us either. I'm not sure if she knows

Frizzcat Thu 05-Jan-17 14:46:41

I think this discussion would have gone badly whatever way you chose to communicate it. I'm sorry you've had such a shit time and you sound like you need her to acknowledge everything and be sincerely sorry. The difficulty is, that may never happen and that in itself will leave you with a hole that our mother can never fill or repair.
This, however does not mean that you can not feel better, you definitely need professional support in the form of counselling, to address the issues with your mother and fathers but also to help you unlock suppressed memories of your older brother.
At some point you will need to have a conversation with your sister about whether you want pursue a police complaint on that matter. Your first priority is yourself and taking steps to feel better and beliving that you deserve to feel better. I hope you access some help soon.

CakesRUs Thu 05-Jan-17 14:53:56

I'd have had this conversation face to face. Text rows rarely have good outcomes because you can't see the emotion behind what you're saying. I've vowed to never have important conversations via text again. She may have been a crap mom but the fact is, she's the only one you'll ever have. Of all the things you've complained about her; the poor diet, her alcohol and cigarette consumption (although, obviously, her being drunk every single night would be detrimental in your family life), your bad teeth, her choice of partner - pale in comparison to what you say about you being sexually abused by your brother. Is it something she was ever aware of? what about your brother? is he still around, cause I'd be talking to him as well.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Thu 05-Jan-17 14:55:09

You've done it - so telling you it would have been better face to face is locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

How do you feel now that you've said it all? I think a lot depends on your motivation - if you did it wanting her to apologise and admit that she'd screwed your life up, that hasn't happened and you have to deal with the result you've got. But if you just wanted to tell her what a shit mother she'd been and get it off your chest, there's nothing wrong with that. It's left you with lifelong problems and telling her how you feel may be the first step on the way to recovering from at least some of them.

My answer to 'one day you will need me and I won't be there' would have been 'the days I needed you you weren't there, and now there won't be a day when I need you ever again'.

Birdsgottafly Thu 05-Jan-17 15:10:28

I had 'the conversation' about my abusive childhood, with my Mother, over the phone.

If I'd have done it face to face, the tone of voice hand gestures and the body movements that she used to do arrogantly, to belittle me, would have been happening and it's takes you right back to being a powerless child again (and shuts you up, or has you too upset to continue).

It's wrong to say that these conversations need to take place face to face, it's a victim confronting their abuser.

OP, she is what she is, you'll have to come to terms with it, within yourself, possibly with your Sister.

I know what you mean about the teeth issue, people judge you on your teeth and mine are going to cost me £6k, because I can't get on with false ones.

MrsHathaway Thu 05-Jan-17 15:27:06

My answer to 'one day you will need me and I won't be there' would have been 'the days I needed you you weren't there, and now there won't be a day when I need you ever again'.

Yes, this is good. Although, just statistically, it's more likely she'll need you and you'll be able to tell her to take a running jump.


sammyjayneex Thu 05-Jan-17 16:17:26

I think I just wanted to get it off my chest . She has replied saying she's sorry for being a shit parent but she had no support. I understand that as the men she's been with are shit men but she had free choice to it let them affect her parenting. Lots of single mothers out there that do a fab job on their own and their kids grow up happy. I think I need to deal with a lot of stuff myself. I have had unexplained physical symptoms for the past 4 years and one doctor said to me ' it could be because you have stuff in your self conscious that's affecting you making you ill' I laughed and told him I can't possibly be ill because of my mind.... I'm starting to believe what he said, Maybe he was right after all ?

debbs77 Thu 05-Jan-17 16:28:40

There is a huge amount of stuff that can affect your physically, including the colours around you! So yes, it most definitely can make you ill

threads123 Thu 05-Jan-17 16:56:45

I confronted my mother face to face when I was 40y and told her that my brother had abused me. Her reply was to deny any knowledge or responsibility (her neglectful parenting gave him hours of opportunity over many years). I had suffered from severe depression for most of my life. She never mentioned it again.

Ten years later, whilst in therapy, I told her over the phone how angry I felt that she and my father had not protected me. I won't go into the details but they could have done. She responded with months of silent treatment. Only abused children know how frightening these parents can be and how talking about it, even as an adult, to the abuser takes immense courage and how their response just shows you in the present the way they treated you as a child.

I say to the OP well done for being brave and taking that step. Text is fine and in the end it's for your healing because it's unlikely you are going to hear the love and support you needed then, given to you now, because these parents are incapable of it.

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