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About being pissed off with mum about what she said about childcare?

(159 Posts)
PyongyangKipperbang Thu 05-Jan-17 14:09:01

Firstly....I have not asked her to do any childcare. I am not saying that she should have my kids so I can work, my kids, my choice, my problem. So..

I am looking for a job but it is a right PITA as DH works changing shifts and the only jobs I can find require before or after school childcare that would mean that we would end up with less coming in than before, and me out of the house all day. But all the kids are now at school full time and we need more money, so far so normal for most families.

Mum asked how the job search was going and I explained this to her (not dropping hints, we were just talking) and she said "Well I managed it!" as if to imply that I wasnt trying hard enough. Except that my grandparents babysat every Saturday as she worked a weekend shift, and twice a week during the holidays to cover her midweek shifts too. She brushes that off as no consequence ("They helped out during the holidays sometimes")and says that if I really wanted a job then I would find a way to make it work "But dont ask me, my childcare days are over" Which is fine, I get that, but it really fucking pisses me off with the way she suggests that she just made it work for herself when the fact is that without my grandparents she wouldnt have been able to work.

AIBU to be pissd off at her selective memory and implications that I am somehow not trying as hard as she did despite not having on tap childcare as she did?! She thinks that I am!

HarryPottersMagicWand Thu 05-Jan-17 14:16:07

YANBU. Tell her what you said "well I remember quite clearly being looked after by my GPs, without whom you wouldn't have been able to work so it's not quite the same situation is it."

I hate it when older relatives think everything back in their day was easier/better/without difficulty etc. It makes me think we are not as amazing as they were. I remember my 2 year old having a huge tantrum over having his nappy changed whilst at my GPs. They had 7 children between them and were saying "oh mine never acted like that, did yours, no mine never did" bullshit. I also had the same with DS who was a bolter. Apparently my nan had her 5 children, all under the age of 6 and a single parent and they all walked perfectly, either in or holding on to the pram and wouldn't have dared breathe in the wrong direction. Given how her children were and are, thats crap. I just have to bite my tongue a lot!

eyebrowsonfleek Thu 05-Jan-17 14:18:01

Yanbu. Maybe you need to be direct and ask her if she knows any childcare costing less than £50 per day or whatever the local rate is. Shes obviously conveniently downplaying the help she had or the fact that childcare is probably far pricier than in her day as there's ratios etc to adhere by. Does she work? If not, maybe she doesn't realise that most people haven't had a real wage increase in 10 years.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 05-Jan-17 14:22:48

Tell her what you said "well I remember quite clearly being looked after by my GPs, without whom you wouldn't have been able to work so it's not quite the same situation is it."

I have! She basically denies it and says that they only helped out occasionally but we were there every weekend until I was about 13 when Dad got a new office hours job so we stayed at home with him, so she cant even claim I am misremembering as a young child!

She doesnt work but she did get pay rises and a nice final salary pension when she retired 2 years ago, so no I dont think that she realises just how bad things are in the "real world" Classic baby boomer in many respects.

I genuinely dont mind her not helping out, it isnt her job to do that. Its the way that she implies that I am somehow lacking compared to her at the same age (and younger) when I dont have the same support network that she had. I also dont think she realises just how expensive childcare is despite me telling her.

BIgBagofJelly Thu 05-Jan-17 14:36:47

YANBU. Soundalike she's going out of her way to be irritating. I have another baby boomer relative like this (not saying most baby boomers are like this he is an exception), always moaning about irresponsible parents having children when they have low wage jobs. He had his first kid by accident at 18 worked, didn't have a full time job until 24 and now owns his house outright cushy pension etc. Literally no idea how easy he had it.

Rollonbedtime7pm Thu 05-Jan-17 14:37:37

YANBU - it's like the baby boomers who say stuff like "in my day you stayed at home with your children but these women can't do without their holidays and big tv's so they all work"

Er righto - how about the fact it takes 2 salaries just to pay the bills and to eat these days, let alone paying for your luxuries! hmm

My mum (who is a baby boomer herself) says she quite frequently finds herself 'defending' parents my age when people start with this kind of rubbish!

People just can't be told sometimes.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 05-Jan-17 14:38:48

YNBU. Its very easy for her to say. I managed when she had your GPs to help. I can't stand the I'm I was alright Jack attitude. I managed, therefore so can you. Well no not every penny fits the slot.
I wonder wgst your mum would have done had your GPS not helped out

MrsHathaway Thu 05-Jan-17 14:40:34

Eye roll and change subject.

PIL are similar. Cannot see that GMIL's childcare provision (wraparound plus holidays) is what enabled their early retirement. Offered to mind our DC1 --for money--; we gently pointed out that their semi-expat status wasn't nearly as convenient as a day nursery open 51 weeks a year.

MrsHathaway Thu 05-Jan-17 14:40:55


PIL are similar. Cannot see that GMIL's childcare provision (wraparound plus holidays) is what enabled their early retirement. Offered to mind our DC1 for money when I went back to work after ML; we gently pointed out that their semi-expat status wasn't nearly as convenient as a day nursery open 51 weeks a year.

gillybeanz Thu 05-Jan-17 14:42:37

I don't understand how you can say you need to work for the money, but be worse off after working.
surely, that's a no brainer confused, why would you get a job to be financially worse off?
This was us when our dc were little, unfortunately it's like this for some people.
I chose not to work but tighten belts, I can see why a career person would work for nothing or in some cases even pay to work as it's their future career.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 05-Jan-17 14:43:02

awwlook good point. I suspect that she would have stayed doing the cleaning/mothers help work that she did before she got that job. But then I dont know what she would have done during the holidays.......

My grandma worked when she was babysitting us but during the week so weekends werent a problem. I do remember (ironically) going to work with grandma during the holidays on the days that mum was working, so mum managed because my grandma compromised her own job! Just remembered that, after all these years!

MrsHathaway Thu 05-Jan-17 14:44:36

I don't understand how you can say you need to work for the money, but be worse off after working.

We could do with more money.
I'll go and find some work.
Ah fuck, working costs more than it earns.

Happens to thousands if not millions of women. Including me, after DC2, despite being graduate on professional salary.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 05-Jan-17 14:47:58

I don't understand how you can say you need to work for the money, but be worse off after working.

Well we need more money coming in but unless I can find that holy grail of jobs that is school hours, the amount I will bring in will be neglible at best and negative overall at worst.

There have been a few that would have been doable but they were very few and far between and I didnt get them, probably because I was up against every other mother in the town!

EineKleine Thu 05-Jan-17 14:50:03

YANBU. My mum has always been like this. When I was signed off work with hyperemesis while juggling work, toddler and pregnancy it was all "well I never had a day off sick when I was pregnant with you. In my day we just had to get on with it." She forgets that in pg1 she had half term and summer holidays off - that's 7 weeks - and stopped working at 20 weeks, and was at home for pg2 so of the 70 or so weeks she spent knowingly pregnant, she only worked at her job for about 8 weeks. None of them with toddler in tow. And she's utterly convinced I was just being pathetic and she was far more stoic. Pah!

I think all we can do is resolve to treat our own children more kindly.

user1470997562 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:50:10

YANBU. I'm facing a similar problem. In my case dh has been unable to find permanent work for the past 2 years so is doing sporadic contract work. I've no idea what hours he will be working in a month's time. Most of the work is a 30 minute train ride away. Which means it has to stop at maybe 5pm at the latest for me to be able to get back to pick up dc from after school club at 6pm. A lot of the jobs say 8am to 6pm or 8am to 5.30pm.

MIL doesn't seem to understand this. Surely they can let themselves in with a key, my dc used to do that. No they really can't let themselves in with a key and sit at home alone for the three hours every weekday. Apart from us being reported to SS, I just don't think that would be fair on them. I don't think I'd even be comfortable with this age 15. Maybe I'm odd.

wifework Thu 05-Jan-17 14:50:23

Ask her to help you sort it out then. Not look after the kids, but help you find a job and child care that keep you in profit.

Then she'll see.

People have short memories about child-rearing, don't they? My mumk told me I was walking/talking fluently at 7 months... er, don't think so

EineKleine Thu 05-Jan-17 14:51:39

Sorry, I didn't mean that to be so "me me me". I just mean, I get it and YANBU.

Libertaines Thu 05-Jan-17 14:52:10

Why doesn't your husband find a different job? It may open up different options for you

KERALA1 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:52:45

PIL have never helped us, not once. I asked them, once, to have DDs so I could go to my sisters child free wedding. They initially agreed, but pulled out with a lame excuse dropping me right in it.

DH remembers whole summers for years where he and his brother stayed with his fathers parents so his parents could work childfree for weeks on end. Makes me hmm. No paying it forward I see!

FarAwayHills Thu 05-Jan-17 14:53:53

I think selective memory is common at this age. My DM will swear blind she never sent me to the shops for fags (ex smoker) grin

Chippednailvarnishing Thu 05-Jan-17 14:54:25

My Pils are like this.

They just can't see how financially better off they were even though their first house was only 1.5x Fil's salary and Mil didn't return to work until my DH was in secondary school. Baby boomers with selective memories boil my piss.

Trainspotting1984 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:55:54

Oh god she can fuck off. Woe is me baby boomer

But what about an evening or weekend job so your DH can do the childcare? That way you don't have to pay for any

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 05-Jan-17 14:55:55

In my day we just had to get on with it.

OMG! That phrase has been the bane of my life for the last 20 odd years grin When I was miscarrying DD2's twin and didnt know what was going on she said that she bled "heavily" every day for 3 months with me and still just got on with it. We had a huge fucking row about that and she did eventually apologise but still.......

User at 15 I would be ok with the key tbh, unless they are particularly troublesome. If they are usually trust worthy then it will be ok and SS wont be interested.

PyongyangKipperbang Thu 05-Jan-17 14:58:43

Why doesn't your husband find a different job?

Redundancy, 8 months with no joy for either of us, temp job, temp job, temp job and now is permanent at last. We are both trying, believe me!

Sadly his shifts mean that I can do evening work every other week. I used to work for a friend of ours who had another member of staff who had the same problem so we would kind of job share, but he moved to a different pub (selfish git!) too far away for us to keep doing it and the new owners made it impossible for us to continue.

gillybeanz Thu 05-Jan-17 14:59:28

When I was growing up there was no childcare at all, nor was there for my children.
If you didn't have parents to help you either left kids to get on with it after school/ before school or you didn't work.

I know it must be hard if you need the money, but my point was you aren't going to benefit financially if it costs more to work than you get back, and miss out on your kids too. So obviously this isn't needing to work because it doesn't solve the financial problem.

I think parents need to compromise on jobs if both want to work these days, although we have never had it so good ito working conditions, working benefits, childcare provision, support with costs for childcare.

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