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Should I be addressing this with my son?

(51 Posts)
embarassedmum2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 13:44:28

Just want a bit of perspective on this. It might seem trivial but I would genuinely like to know.

My DS (6) meets his friend from nursery, who is at another school, twice a week for an evening activity at our local leisure centre. His friend is the younger child while my DS is my first with a little sister so I have always been a bit firmer with him. I am also foreign and grew up in an environment where children are brought up by the community so to say. I also don’t mind my DS being told off by friends as long as it’s reasonable and would always support them. His friend’s dad would have my son in the pool to play with them before or after lessons. This has helped to increase my son's confidence. We even had to change sessions to suit them as my son loves his lessons and time with them. I normally have his little sister in the pool for a bit of practice though not a good swimmer myself. He would wait for his friend outside if we finish changing first and his friend would normally have £1 to buy something from the vending machine which they would pick together and share. His dad seemed to be fine with it.

This week, we finished before them as I didn’t swim with my little girl and my son wanted to wait for his friend. He was there with both of his parents this time. His friend came out, they decided what to get and he asked his mum’s permission as it was a pack of sweets. He put the money in and my son picked the sweet from the machine. He proceeded to open it and started sharing between them. His friend’s mum then saw that and told my son to hand the pack back to his friend as it wasn’t his to share. He handed it back and his friend continued to share it but I told him to stop and not give my son any more, he had 2 already. My little girl started crying despite that I got her something earlier from the machine so my son’s friend gave her one as well. It was a pack of 10. I felt quite embarrassed by it all and have told my son we would not be waiting outside for his friend anymore and also had a word about not being too forward. I would not have picked up on it if it was the other way round as it would not matter to me who is handing the sweets out, I would probably see it as an opportunity for him to eat less sweets anyway. I have been thinking about it and just want to check if what my son did was that bad as I have found out that some things which I don’t think really matters appear to matter to other people, possibly because of culture, and would like to address it as such if it is that bad.

Niloufes Thu 05-Jan-17 14:02:34

Little bit of an odd one really. They were sharing the choosing, they were sharing the getting and they were sharing the sweets, it doesn't matter who shares them out surely? Its part of the ritual, they always share. Was your son's friend upset that your son was sharing them out instead of him? If so then i can understand why the other mum told him to stop but otherwise its a bit controlling. The kids are 5 and 6 they can sort out their own hierarchy. But in any case your son did what he was told and they were kind enough to give your daughter a sweet too. I don't think there is any problem and you definitely shouldn't stop the ritual because its clear the boys find it fun. Although next time I would provide the £1 to your son to share the other way around because it sounds like it might be your/your sons turn to pay for the sweets.

PurpleMinionMummy Thu 05-Jan-17 14:13:32

It's not bad, they're only young, but I'd probably suggest he waits for the other lad to pick them up and offer as they are his sweets. Are you sure they are happy sharing their sons sweets every week though? His mums reavtion makes me wonder. I think it's a bit cheeky that you let your son wait and share if you never offer a £1 for them to have sweets too tbh.

Did they ask you to change classes?

embarassedmum2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:14:07

Thank you for your taking time to comment. It'seems my first post though been reading for quite a while now.

His friend was not upset and was happy to go along with it.
I agree about giving him £1 the next time and would occasionally give it to him from now. I just don't want him to expect it all the time.

BIgBagofJelly Thu 05-Jan-17 14:18:52

If I've understood correctly I don't think your DS has done anything wrong. By the sounds of it the other mum probably thinks you're a bit of a freeloader since to her it looked like you waited around specifically so they could buy your DS half a pack of sweets. Not very nice of her to tell off your DS though when it was clear they were sharing the sweets.

Why not give your DS £1 for the shared sweets from now on since they might think you're being cheeky. Him and his friend sound very sweet by the way.

embarassedmum2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:19:28

Hi purple

Yes they asked to change classes and even though it wasn't that convenient, we obliged so they can still see each other. To be fair, my son is gaining from the experience as well.
I actually didn't want him to wait this time but he pleaded with me. On hindsight, it was probably because of the sweets and that was what made me quite embarassed.
It's either I give his £1 as well which I don't really want to do all the time or we stop waiting for his friend.

BIgBagofJelly Thu 05-Jan-17 14:20:16

Your DS obviously already "expects" the sweets though but the source is his friend's parents rather than you. If you can afford it I would definitely just start giving him the £1 and make sure he tells his friend to keep his £1 (rather than buying two packets).

triskellionoflegs Thu 05-Jan-17 14:20:45

I think the other mum was a bit quick to jump in, maybe her DC can be timid, or has had things taken from him in another incident, and she thought that was happening.
If neither of the DC was upset, I'd just leave it, but I'd make sure to give ur DS some money in future, so that the sharing of cost is evened out (to avoid any reason for the other DCs parents to have an issue).

ladymariner Thu 05-Jan-17 14:25:09

Why not give your son £1 on alternate weeks so he can buy the sweets and share them with bus friend. The other parents have probably noticed that you never buy any. I think it's a bit odd to expect another parent to always buy the sweets, tbh. Your son has done nothing wrong, but I think you have, sorry.

embarassedmum2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:27:08

Thanks everyone, £1 is not an issue at all so will make sure I have some change with me from now on.

PineappleExpress Thu 05-Jan-17 14:30:54

Your son didn't do anything wrong, but I don't understand why you wouldn't have at least offered to get the sweets before now. Could you take 50p along every week for your son to give back to the other child to split the cost?

PineappleExpress Thu 05-Jan-17 14:31:25

X post

Underthemoonlight Thu 05-Jan-17 14:32:36

I can see the annoyance from the mother given they are providing the money and your DS is not only having half and not contributing but grabbing them aswell, in this case I do think you've been unreasonable. I wouldn't wait for them to finish but if he do I would suggest you pay for a couple of the sweets for a couple of weeks to share.

Birdsgottafly Thu 05-Jan-17 14:33:22

""he kids are 5 and 6 they can sort out their own hierarchy""

They can't, children who are confident and over exuberant, need to be reminded to hold back, occasionally.

My DD had a friend who would always do this, in class also. I stepped in when my DDs confidence was being squashed.

YelloDraw Thu 05-Jan-17 14:34:23

Yeah same as everyone else - you should pay for the sweets half the time.

embarassedmum2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:34:39

It's just something I never thought about, he only started getting sweets every time for about 4 to 6 weeks now.

dollydaydream114 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:37:08

I don't think it would bother me if I had a child and they were sharing a £1 pack of sweets with another kid every week, but maybe it bothered the other mum in this case - perhaps she just thought 'Wait, why are we buying sweets for another child every week?' and thought she'd make a point. I doubt it's the actually sharing that's the issue, though, probably just more that your son took it for granted the sweets were for him as well as his friend.

I agree with other posters - give your son his own spending money from now on, or suggest you alternate between who buys the sweets each week.

embarassedmum2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:39:57

He is very confident though his friend is in no way timid as well. I spoke to him about not being too forward as soon as we left. I have taken all comments on board and will watch out for such in future.

Underthemoonlight Thu 05-Jan-17 14:40:28

OP why would you not consider giving your DS money but accept the sweets from the other mums DS . From the sounds it off he's offered one time and shared and then your DS has had the expection by waiting he too will get sweet it does come across abit off as if your waiting around for sweets and I can see the mothers point a view totally.

Mari50 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:44:37

his friend would normally have £1 to buy something from the vending machine which they would pick together and share
I suspect this might be the issue, it probably would have been an idea to give your son some money every other week if this had become a little ritual between them esp when you've been there to see it's the friend paying every time. Easily fixed though.

triskellionoflegs Thu 05-Jan-17 14:46:36

Underthemoonlight, she said she would give her son money, several times, not that she wouldn't consider doing it, you seem to have got confused!

embarassedmum2017 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:47:37

I probably haven't just thought about it as it wouldn't bother me if it was the other way round. I was actually hoping it won't happen all the time but noticed it's been every week for the last few weeks.

I am not making excuses, just answering the questions. It is nice to see it from another person's point of view.

Underthemoonlight Thu 05-Jan-17 14:52:15

I'm not confused I just don't understand if it was a regular occurrence and they were waiting around common sense would say oh my DS would like to treat you to this sweets this week, the whole waiting around bit is just off. I could imagine the reverse post

We take DS who's 5 to the swimming session at the local pool and he has made a friend who's 6. They enjoy each other's company and after class I gave DS some money for sweets which he shared with this boy. Every week if they finish before us they wait around and when DS gets his sweets he gaves some to this boy it's becoming an expection now and they never take a turn a pay for the sweets and the recent occasion the boy grabbed the sweets when DS paid for them.

MiddleClassProblem Thu 05-Jan-17 14:54:12

I think she's just annoyed that your son took the sweets and opened them like he had a right to them rather being offered. As long as her DS wasn't upset with it, in her shoes, I wouldn't say anything.

PurpleMinionMummy Thu 05-Jan-17 14:55:29

Aw, it's sweet they've managed to maintain their friendship despite being in different schools and that the parents are all on board with doing so.

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