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To be shocked to hear how my professional colleagues perpetuate domestic violence myths?

(49 Posts)
TitaniumBoudica Thu 05-Jan-17 07:39:44

Overheard at work, about a woman^^ (known to be in a relationship with dv) due to be discharged from the ward and her husband who'd come to collect her: 'have you seen him? He looks normal and is so fit. You wouldn't expect him to knock her around, it's usually if the woman is more attractive' and so on. In the past I've also overheard such gems as '^she's so annoying I'd be tempted to punch her too'^ about someone with MH problems in a dv relationship and also ^'why does she keep having kids with him?'
My colleagues are overwhelmingly woman and it's depressing that such ridiculous opinions seem to be rife.

I myself got out of an abusive relationship last autumn and feel unable to open up to this
at work even to work friends for fear of being judged as 'too professional' and that I somehow should have know better or worst of all people feeling that it probably wasn't that bad because it was never a punch in the face.

Depressing isn't it?

ClaudiaWankleman Thu 05-Jan-17 07:45:07

Report it to a manager - make it clear that you think this is an issue which is going to lead to letting down people in your care. It might lead to some retraining on the subject?

I wouldn't be able to hear that without challenging it, although I appreciate you might not be willing or able to do that.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 05-Jan-17 07:45:33

Hell yes ! I hope they are not working in a so called caring profession. shock

Manumission Thu 05-Jan-17 07:46:57

Shit. That's really quite breathtaking ignorance.


Rainydayspending Thu 05-Jan-17 07:47:05

God. Awful a whole lot of ignorant on top of nasty. You're wise not to share with them. I imagine noone in your office would share anything, hardly supportive?!
Well done to you!

Mungobungo Thu 05-Jan-17 07:48:00

It really is! Same goes for men who are known sex offenders - Ive heard things like 'you'd never know, would you? He looks so normal!' - not sure whether you'd expect a man who'd groomed 12 year olds to have it tattooed across his face...?

That said, when I watched The Fall, the thing that I found most chilling was how normal the perpetrator was. I think that the media has a lot to do with it. Crime shows always portray people who perpetrate DV as openly angry or just a bit 'weird' and then it appears that the woman may have had a warning of what she was getting into. The news doesn't help either as the suspects in big cases are often reported about in a way which implies some sort of personality issue or weirdness.

Perhaps it's time for a change in that respect and these types of people are shown to be the seemingly normal, charming, manipulators that they really are. Oh, and that people can stop thinking that victims of abuse deserve what they've been through because of their personalities...

everythingis Thu 05-Jan-17 07:50:07

Awful!! Report and it discuss in supervision or whatever you have. I can imagine this in the private sector though sad

TitaniumBoudica Thu 05-Jan-17 07:55:29

I should discuss it with my manager.

Sadly yes they are HCPs who have all had dv training days. That said, so have I and I couldn't see myself as a dv victim whilst attending them.

The media does portray such men as weirdos or brutes. I remember feeling a bit odd when I had my dd and staff often commented on how quiet and mild mannered my dp was hmm. He was a good actor.

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 05-Jan-17 08:17:33

I confess that sometimes on here, when a woman tells us that her partner is a lazy turd, he's always been a lazy turd, and he became lazier and turdier with each child, I do wonder why they're now ttc number four.

triskellionoflegs Thu 05-Jan-17 08:23:20

I don't think OH being lazy is really the same issue at all sheba, not sure why you've posted about that?

joystir59 Thu 05-Jan-17 08:29:05

men who abuse are not monsters- they are completely normal men with aberrant behaviour. I was sexually abused when I was 14 by a family member who was charming, attractive and an upstanding citizen. Look at Rolf Harris ffs. This is the huge issue. It is our normal men who hit, abuse, rape etc. you would not be able to point them out in any kind of line up.

minifingerz Thu 05-Jan-17 08:56:56

Yup, agreed. My sister was in a relationship with a man for 5 years, involving sexual, emotional and financial abuse. He was a barrister. :-(

Re: continuing to have children with someone who has proven themselves to be abusive or severely unsupportive, I know someone who has had 6 children with a man who has never lived with her, never had the children overnight, never given her any financial or parenting support, has had lots of affairs with other women, while still continuing to sleep with her, and has fathered at least 4 children with other women. I really find this hard to get my head around, but I keep in mind that women are coerced into pregnancies/raped, and that for some women the only really good and positive thing in their lives is having children, so it's understandable that someone may continue to grow their families even when to all of us looking in from the outside it looks like poor judgement for them to do it.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Thu 05-Jan-17 09:40:31

Definitely complain, how fucking awful to gossip about a victim of violence!

DailyFail1 Thu 05-Jan-17 09:50:51

Good looking rich and successful people often get away more with dv. Comments were disgusting.

MsVanRein Thu 05-Jan-17 09:56:42

Those comments are horrendous. I would definitely be raising this with your manager and citing specific incidents. Absolutely appalling shock
I feel for you OP working with these attitudes with your own recent history flowers

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Thu 05-Jan-17 09:57:45

YANBU. A woman I worked with once said that DV just doesn't happen to people like us (educated, professionals) and that if it ever did she knew for certain she'd recognise the signs and leave straight away.

I was younger then so tried to explain why that isn't possible for lots of women, why attitudes like hers perpetuate shame and silence. Now I'd just tell her to FO, there was no changing her.

chilledwarmth Thu 05-Jan-17 09:59:54

Not agreeing with what they actually said here but what exactly would you report? They haven't committed a crime by saying this and if they are doing their job and following all their requirements and guidelines then it isn't any business of the employer or manager.

redexpat Thu 05-Jan-17 10:00:11

The comments made by fellow students on my socialwork course make me sad. The way they made fun of my partially sighted friend. The way the lecturers talk about handicapped (rahter than people with a disability), use the word mongol to describe someone with Downs. I am abroad, and in a country that doesnt really do PC language, but even by the local standards thats bad. We havent covered anything about abusive relationships, so I can well imagine them making the same comments. I only know about it because of MN.

chilledwarmth Thu 05-Jan-17 10:01:52

What's wrong with the word handicapped? I use it all the time and haven't to date offended people with it.

TitaniumBoudica Thu 05-Jan-17 10:03:10

YANBU. A woman I worked with once said that DV just doesn't happen to people like us (educated, professionals) and that if it ever did she knew for certain she'd recognise the signs and leave straight away.

I hear that all the time and it's why I've been put off saying anything to them. There's an implied stupidity which I just don't need to hear.

TitaniumBoudica Thu 05-Jan-17 10:04:32

Chilled warmth they would be disciplined as possibly be allocated back on a dv course. It would do some good but I hate rocking the boat at work.

StewieGMum Thu 05-Jan-17 10:06:24

Zero Tolerance in Scotland have created a training manual for dealing with domestic violence (myths and support) in the workplace. Phone is being an arse so can't link but it's worth googling and reading through before talking with your supervisor. I would ask for mandatory retraining of all staff because if they're saying shit like this about a colleague, they will be absolutely useless as HCPs and putting women at risk by their failures to recognise DV.

TitaniumBoudica Thu 05-Jan-17 10:06:55

I think handicapped is an outdated term. I wouldn't use it but I think it's still used in the states

chilledwarmth Thu 05-Jan-17 10:07:03

Disciplined for what exactly? I hope I'm not being misunderstood I think their talking crap because it's not like abusers have a tattoo displaying the fact on their face, but to be disciplined at work you'd need to have broken some kind of work rule and I don't see what that would be here.

WorraLiberty Thu 05-Jan-17 10:08:00

YANBU, that's awful.

Apart from 'why does she keep having kids with him?', which personally I think it a fairly normal thing to wonder.

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