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To never want my mother in my life? *Possible trigger warning*

(76 Posts)
feduparsenalfan Thu 05-Jan-17 05:14:23

Just to start by stating I’m a man. I and my wife are expecting in the Spring so as we wait, I’ve been doing as much research as possible on babies and being a parent.

My dad died when I was 9 ( car accident). My mother had problems with drugs. So the situation living with her as a child was chaotic to say the least. She’d be gone for three days and I’d be home alone, consuming plain cereal because there was nothing else to eat. She resulted to prostitution to fund her habits, and one night one of her customers sexually assaulted me, while she was too busy getting high. I was 11. This experience scarred me for a long time - to the point that I grew up averse to any kind of physical, emotional and sexual contact with a female. My wife, a very special woman (we married last year) is the only woman I’ve kissed. This was at age 24. Prior that I had never even as much as gone on a date with a woman. And believe me, that first kiss was one of the most difficult and nerve-wracking things I’ve ever done. Ridiculous, I know.

By the time I was 14 I was taken in by my uncle. I grew up with him while my mother did her thing. I didn’t see or hear from her for 6 years (until I was 20). She was still using then. Disappeared again after like a year. I didn’t see her again for another few years until eight months ago. She said she was clean (definitely looks it) and that she was done with using. She does seem to have turned her life around. She’s now got a job, and she is regularly attending church. She has continued to apologise. She said she wanted to establish a relationship. I told her I don’t want her in my life and that I never want to see her again.

Now she’s been whining in my uncle’s ear about how I have cut her out of my life – at how I am depriving her of her future grandchild. My uncle (my mother’s brother) told her she has no right after everything she did. Having my mother around makes my life difficult. The more I hear about her (even though she’s seemingly clean right now) the more I remember what happened. I become distant with everyone – I pretty much revert to the person I was in my childhood and early adulthood. I cut everyone and everything off. I build a mental fortress and refuse to leave it. Growing up the only friends I had were novels.

And right now my wife is the one suffering because of it. We’re extremely close and we have always told one another so much. But right now I’m keeping my distance. And I hate myself for it. My wife doesn’t deserve this at all. She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I spoke to a priest about this and he told me to learn forgiveness. To forgive my mother. But I can’t. I just can’t. I harbour so much anger, hate and resentment towards her. But even with all these feelings, I still love her. Something I find difficult to understand.

user1469751309 Thu 05-Jan-17 05:22:27

Didn't want to read and run don't really have any advise but only to say you have been very brave throughout this but wonder if you have ever sought any professional help ie therapy ect to help you to deal with what is very understandable difficult emotions.
Don't be so hard on yourself you have been through so much and your wife will understand. If it's easier than talking maybe send her written note instead perhaps? Just to say you love her ect but having a hard time expressing your feelings. Or even show her this post. Goodluck Op and congrats on you becoming a daddy! As for your mother only you can decide what is right but please don't feel you have to because she is nagging she has no right over you or your new family and you have to make the best decision for you and your future happiness. star

Lessthanaballpark Thu 05-Jan-17 05:23:13

You don't owe your mother anything and you shouldn't forgive her if being around her gives you stress, bad memories and affects your relationship with your wife.

It's not really about whether she's clean or not but about the trauma it puts you through when you see her.

And not surprisingly after what she's done. Good that your uncle is sticking up for you

You have a new life now that you've struggled to build, no thanks to her. Good luck with your new family flowers

cafenoirbiscuit Thu 05-Jan-17 05:25:56

I think it's ok to love someone, yet dislike them or their bahaviour.
Frankly she's got a cheek, whining about being cut out of your life.
Stay calm, focus on your new family, and on being a different kind of a parent to your new babe.

MagicChicken Thu 05-Jan-17 05:26:56

You will find it even more difficult to forgive her behaviour and neglect once your own child arrives. You will be so overwhelmed with love and a primeval urge to protect and nurture that child at all costs that it will make you question even more than you already do, how you could have been so unlucky to be saddled with a mother who put herself first instead of you.

I don't think you should be pressured into forgiving her or building a relationship with her. Just because she's found God she thinks she can apologise and that's it - the slate just gets wiped clean. It doesn't work like that.

If you haven't already done this I think it's imperative that you get yourself referred for some counselling. So many human beings are flawed and weak, selfish, mentally ill, addicted, messed up and self centred and some are just plain nasty and unfortunately, many of them have children.

So whatever historical emotional pain they carry (and there is usually a reason why people end up as chaotic addicts) they then inflict that cycle of pain and chaos onto their own children. Nothing can change what you went through but it will help you make better sense of some things and come to terms with them a bit.

does your mother know you were sexually abused by some ransomer she dragged home? if so, how long ago did you tell her and what was her reaction?

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara Thu 05-Jan-17 05:31:38

Forgiveness is all well and good, but you can't make yourself forgive someone if you're not ready.

It's great that your mother seems to have changed, but it doesn't automatically give her the right to just walk back into your life on her own terms. It sounds harsh, but she hurt you quite badly and she should have to wait until you're ready and this might be never.

With a little one on the way, it's no wonder you want her nowhere near you tbh.

I would say to follow your gut. Let her know you're not ready and to keep away, and try and focus on you, your lovely wife, and your baby.

Maybe after baby is born you will feel differently, maybe not, but in any case put your wellbeing first.

flowers

feduparsenalfan Thu 05-Jan-17 05:40:34

MagicChicken

I told her a few days after it happened. She was sober when I told her. She cried with me and said it would stop. The drugs and the men. Course, drug addicts are the epitome of talking the talk. She resumed her habits a few days later. And pretty much swept what happened under the rug.

When I was around 17-18, my uncle always wondered why I didn't show any interest in girls. I never reciprocated towards girls that showed interest in me. He pestered me about it for a while, and I told him what happened.

user

Yes, I have done therapy. Shortly after I told my uncle about the rape, he got me to see a therapist. In the beginning the fit wasn't right and I had to change therapists but eventually I found one. I can honestly say that I and my wife's relationship wouldn't have lasted had it not been for that therapist. I would have never been able to take the big step forward. She helped me tremendously.

waitingforsomething Thu 05-Jan-17 05:45:22

You've got to a great place in your life despite your mum, not thanks to her.

It's great that she is clean now, but this doesn't help you to forget the past, and if her presence in your life makes you unhappy or uncomfortable then you are under no obligation to spend time with her. Yanbu

pollyglot Thu 05-Jan-17 06:01:35

Your wife and child are your priorities. Divorce your mother and get on with life.

MinnowAndTheBear Thu 05-Jan-17 06:04:02

^^ this
Having said that, if you can get some professional help and try to work towards forgiveness then I think you would benefit hugely from this. (I'm only thinking of you when I say this. Your mother cannot and should not expect you to forgive her) perhaps think about it again once baby has arrived and things have settled down.

MinnowAndTheBear Thu 05-Jan-17 06:05:24

I was referring to waiting's post!

NovemberInDailyFailLand Thu 05-Jan-17 06:06:31

YANBU. You can't just demand someone lets you back into their life after acting like she did.

You're right to protect your family, and if she expects you to do otherwise and then complains about it, perhaps she has not changed so much...

Miserylovescompany2 Thu 05-Jan-17 06:39:49

This is YOUR life. You didn't have a choice about your life whilst growing up. You have a choice now. If having your mother in your life causes so much upset that you have to emotionally close yourself down, then you NEED to go no contact.

Speak with your uncle, ask him not to mention your mother. He should respect that.

Your first child will be here before you know it, don't let the past take away any of the joy between you and your wife.

You owe your mother nothing. She should respect your choices.

Nanna50 Thu 05-Jan-17 06:41:35

Firstly it is not unusual for you to still love your mother, it is not unusual for you to want to feel loved by her, it is not unusual for you to want to please her and feel her approval.
However the fact that she is whining and putting blame on you shows how self centred she still is. If she is attending church with true faith, then she would accept your decision and the consequences of her neglect.
You have the support of your uncle, allow him to be the armour between you and your mother, he can keep her away from you.
Your mental health, stability, wife and child are your priorities. Don't shut your wife out, try to use any strategies you may have learned in your counselling.
Forgiveness takes many forms, if the priest is advocating forgiving your mother and allowing her back in your life then bollocks to that. However forgive yourself for any bad feeling towards her and yourself. Forgive yourself for loving her and keep moving forward.
I speak from experience, good luck.

ShinyMoonFace Thu 05-Jan-17 06:51:32

Op, I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. thanks

I agree with Misery above. I do not think you are under any obligation at all to embrace your mother with open arms and forget everything. It is great she is clean etc, but she needs to earn your trust and respect, and that should take place on your timeline, not hers.

You relationshio is with your wife, and your baby. THAT is the most important thing right now. You have to protect yourself and your precious relationships. You are perfectly within your rights to do that, and to place a wall of protection around you, and please don't let yourself be guilt tripped otherwise.

I feel for you so much and want to hug you. I am glad tou had a great therapist. I also echo what others have said upthread- ..... when your baby is born you may find yourself absolutely floored by confusion, anger, hatred and despair towards your mother. The primal feeling of parenthood means that it becomes deeply shocking to recall how you were treated. My mother was 'just' verbally and emotionally abusive with a bit of violence thrown in (mental health and issues rather than drugs) and I thought I was okay with it all, but really struggled when my DS was born as it brought up all the feelings I had of being a vulnerable unprotected child. I am in therapy now about it, and DS is at school.

Best wishes. thanks

ConvincingLiar Thu 05-Jan-17 07:01:28

Being cut off from you is an entirely predictable consequence of her behaviour over the years. She is bribg utterly selfish. If she was genuinely remorseful she'd understand that an apology might not be enough and would not be whining and nagging. Do what's best for you, your wife and your baby. Keep her away.

BIgBagofJelly Thu 05-Jan-17 07:12:12

YANBU. Raising a child can be hard work and it's natural to want to enjoy a relationship with your adult children and their children (if they have any) once that work is over. Your mother didn't do any of the hard work involved in raising you, in fact she actively made our childhood horrendous.

You have literally no moral obligation to have her in your life and unless you feel she's bringing something positive to your life now you should absolutely deny her any contact whatsoever.

While it's great for her that she's now clean it's much too late for you and your childhood. She's being incredibly selfish by trying to force herself into your life. If she was genuinely sorry she would apologise let you know that she's there for you if you want her then respect your decision if you say that you don't.

I hope you've had counselling to deal with your childhood trauma, in your post it sounds like you're still slightly minimising for horrendous it was (you describe your reaction as "ridiculous" when in fact you sounds incredibly strong).

BalloonSlayer Thu 05-Jan-17 07:15:12

You need to protect yourself. When your baby is born your feelings will multiply a thousandfold, so if you force yourself to have her in your life now you will be thrown into confusion then.

Enjoy your lovely wife and beautiful new baby for the time being.

You obviously feel bad about cutting your Mum off. Why not tell yourself you will have a review of how you feel every year and just say "not yet" rather than "never" - even if it's "not yet" for the next 70 years.

FatalKittehCharms Thu 05-Jan-17 07:22:06

I think if she had genuinely changed, she would respect your decision to have no contact with her.

Could she be trying to erase history and start over with your child, in some way?

Does your uncle support you in not wanting contact with her?

Christmassnake Thu 05-Jan-17 07:31:11

Ofcouse a priest will say forgiveness,what did you expect?...ofcourse your mother will whine to your uncle and make yr life difficult wanting to see yr child...why wouldn't she??? When has she ever ever put you first???????..she's selfish,only thinks of herself....if she cared for you she would back off and let you come to her in your own time if at all....just because she is now clean won't change a selfish nature...you owe her nothing.cut her out....your wife and child come first always ....good luck

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 05-Jan-17 07:38:26

I would also consider investing in a few therapy sessions and do shop around for one that's the right fit

You are carrying huge baggage and it's time to unfurden yourself

What your
Mother did was awful and she is allowing her understandable desire to have a fresh start with your GC to ride over your feelings and your pain . It's not fair

Please get some listening support to help figure this all out and it's 100% ok whatever you decide to do about her flowers

sweetstemcauli Thu 05-Jan-17 07:39:09

I can understand how this gets to you, OP, in my own experience there is a past trauma that never fails to give me panic attacks of some kind if I think too much of it. It also affects my primary relationship like yours does. What helped me was to make a decision and stick to it, in my case absolutely no contact, but whichever your decision is I would recommend trying to find closure for yourself and put time between yourself and this burden.

Easier said than done, you might say, but what alternative do you have?

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 05-Jan-17 07:40:20

And what shiny said - often when you are a parent yourself the pain of what she did will become more apparent flowers

coconutpie Thu 05-Jan-17 08:06:19

flowers

I would seek some additional counselling sessions with your therapist in order to get across this new hurdle.

Ignore the priest - you do not need to learn forgiveness. Your mother should have protected her child from harm's way and didn't. I wouldn't have anything to do with her and I wouldn't allow her near my child either - once your child comes along, you'll get even more upset about it if she's constantly pestering you. She has no right to a relationship with your child. Your uncle sounds so lovely.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 05-Jan-17 08:10:34

You have chosen to cut your mother out of your life. You are putting yourself first and protecting yourself, which is a good thing. Something that your mother failed to do when you were a child. You are now parenting yourself. The fact that she is pestering and coercing as others have said proves she is still self centred and when she doesn't get what she wants, she can be a bully.

I do agree with the priest that achieving forgiveness for your mother would be a good thing. For you. By your own admission, you are harbouring a great deal of hate, resentment and anger. This is heavy and a burden to you. It is putting a strain on your marriage. And much as you may think otherwise now, it will affect your relationship with your child. Not necessarily by how you are treat them. But because your pain and anger will be preventing you from fully enjoying being with them. It is also not uncommon for feelings about particularly difficult events to surface as your child reaches the age you were when they occurred.

Some people who have been abused and where feelings are not resolved can have a tendency to do "exact opposite parenting". This can be just as damaging and risks recreating a child, who is very much like their grandparents. My mother was an overindulged child. Had I not had the counselling I had over the past few of years, I think I would have fallen into this trap and my dd would have turned out just like her. She's 8 btw and so much more mature than her grandma, who emotionally is about 4.

Once my daughter was born, my rage really started to surface. She was 4 months old and that's when I sought out counselling. I had previously had counselling but not really about my mother as at the time, I was still unable to acknowledge that she was abusive to me. The counselling that you had helped at the time. When you've been deeply affected by difficult life events, you can complete one set of counselling/therapy only to return to counselling again as more issues emerge. I would urge you to seek some outside help. One batch of counselling in my experience doesn't "fix" things for life.

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