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To think that you shouldn't punish someone else's child indirectly if yours is naughty?

(164 Posts)
user1477282676 Thu 05-Jan-17 00:14:27

DD is 8. We're not in the UK....her best mate was meant to be coming to play today. We're on school holidays and she's been looking forward to this a lot. They usually see one another once or twice a week out of school....they totally love one another.

The Mum has called me to say that their DD has been naughty all morning so they don't feel they can "reward" her with a visit to my DD.

AIBU in thinking this is not right? If it were my DD I'd take her to her mate's house but let her know that she would be having screen time removed that evening or for however long was appropriate as a consequence of her behaviour.

DD is upset...it did cross my mind that perhaps the friend doesnt want to come...and that this is an excuse but they're the sort of people who'd just come out and be honest I think.

Trifleorbust Thu 05-Jan-17 00:16:10

YABU. Her visit is a treat and it is more than reasonable to cancel if her behaviour does not merit it. It is a shame for your DD.

YANBU I think that's unfair on your DD, a bit like punishing her for something she didn't do. I'd never use a play date <shudders> as punishment/reward.

Champagneformyrealfriends Thu 05-Jan-17 00:18:13

YABU. Upsetting for your daughter, but you can't expect people to put your child's feelings before disciplining their child in this sort of situation.

lalalalyra Thu 05-Jan-17 00:19:23

I've done this once and it was very much a last resort. I sort-of realised shortly before the playdate that it probably wasn't something I should have threatened for the sake of the other children (there was four of them meant to be playing together), but once I'd said that's what would happen and DD played up again I had no choice but to follow through.

It was also the punishment that cracked DD1 going through a particularly nightmarish spell of damaging her siblings' things when she realised thee was something she cared about that could be taken/stopped.

DixieWishbone Thu 05-Jan-17 00:24:58

YANBU. Your idea of saving the punishment for later is much more sensible. It is rude to cancel at the last minute like that and ruin other people's plans. She is too lazy to think of a punishment that involves some effort and imagination on her part and is taking the easy way out by cancelling the visit to your house. She is also involving you and your family in the punishment which is also not on.

Raggydolly3 Thu 05-Jan-17 02:32:45

I did this once, was meant to be meeting 3 others couples are their children at a playbarn.
For some reason DS was really acting up, really really badly so we used the threat of if you don't behave you can't go, DS then sunk his teeth into DH and drew blood. We had to follow through and it really worked. DS learned practically straight away he could not do this and being 3 I don't think giving a punishment later ie screen time would have had the same affect.
However- had we been only meeting one couple we would not have done this and found another way. We knew that the outing would still go ahead without us. I would not have done this if it meant another child would have missed out.

HicDraconis Thu 05-Jan-17 02:54:17

YABU. Yes the other child loses out on a fun morning with a friend but they can do other stuff (I've had to take my boys out before when play dates cancelled at the last minute).

I've done this once - with DS1 who was being a terror - and told him unless his behaviour improved he would not be going to his friend's house for the day. He then fought with his brother to the extent that DS2 was badly hurt and so I called off the play date. With the comments that his behaviour did not warrant a fun day anywhere and if I couldn't trust him to behave at home, I certainly couldn't trust him to behave somewhere else. I explained to the friend's mother - who empathised and has had to do similar herself before - rearranged the playtime for a different day and DS1 was grounded for a week with all his brother's chores as well as his own.

Haven't had to even threaten it since, with either of them.

The one time it backfired was when they had both been monsters (and they know the behaviour standards I expect) so I said they wouldn't go to MiL for the afternoon if it continued. I knew she was planning an afternoon of treats and cinema, pizza out, etc. They turned it round, behaved beautifully, went to MiL's, had a fab afternoon - and that evening she rang and ranted at me for it. I would have cancelled the afternoon without a second thought (at the time she lived just round the corner and saw them very regularly, this wasn't a long arranged or had-to-cancel-other-stuff-for type of thing) had their behaviour continued, they would not have deserved treats and I don't believe in mixed messages. She was fuming and completely thought that if they'd been badly behaved, I should ignore it if she wanted to spoil them. She no longer lives so close.

melj1213 Thu 05-Jan-17 03:12:02

Honestly, YABU - you can't decide how someone disciplines their own child in case it might inconvenience you. Your daughter sees her friend regularly, multiple times a week in and out of school - it would be a different story if this was a friend who lives away, is going home tomorrow and your child could only see them today or she wouldn't see them for months till they came back again.

At 8 your daughter is old enough to understand "Your friend was misbehaving so her mum has decided that she can't come to play today. I know you were looking forward to her coming and you're upset, so why don't we go to the park/go shopping/bake brownies etc instead today and perhaps she can come another day?"

Whilst your daughter might respond to a delayed punishment, perhaps the friend doesn't, and mum knows this. Or mum made the threat when they were out of other options and had to follow through with it when their daughter continued their behaviour. Either way, the friend was misbehaving and her parents gave her consequences they had to follow through on.

AmeliaJack Thu 05-Jan-17 05:34:32

It depends what constituted bad behaviour.

Perhaps the Mum couldn't trust that the child would behave herself at your house.

Perhaps at her wits end the Mum said "do that again and you won't be going to Mini-user's house" and had her bluff called.

Perhaps the behaviour was something really serious and a point had to be made.

It's not something I've ever done but I think that if you are on the receiving end you need to graciously accept the other parent's decision.

Your DD is 8yo after all - she's well old enough to understand.

ShelaghTurner Thu 05-Jan-17 06:02:25

I very nearly stopped my 8yo from going to a party the other day. She absolutely didn't deserve to go. But I couldn't bring myself to cancel on someone who had paid money for her and could have invited someone else in dd1's place so she went. But it grated on every last nerve to take her!

mathanxiety Thu 05-Jan-17 06:51:06

YANBU. The other mother is being unreasonable as well as everything DixieWishbone points out. There surely must be some other way of punishing the DD.

Nataleejah Thu 05-Jan-17 07:13:42

I'm on a fence with delayed or long-term punishments because by the time they're carried out, the actual bad deed maybe long forgotten, or dc may feel they have nothing else to lose.

However, cancelling plans on other people last minute is rude.

BIgBagofJelly Thu 05-Jan-17 07:25:04

YANBU. It's incredibly rude to unnecessarily cancel a commitment to someone else. What happens in the future if you book a nice day out with your DD and her friend and then friend's mum decides she's no longer allowed to come. She shouldn't be messing other people around.

Mindtrope Thu 05-Jan-17 07:29:58

Sounds crazy.

But then I don't punish.

Rainydayspending Thu 05-Jan-17 07:31:44

YABU. If mine can't behave they can hardly go around other children. Not fit for public if misbehaving and wound up. They're not old enough to understand making a real "commitment" until around secondary school when they're actually organising time/ travel by themselves etc.

LadyVampire Thu 05-Jan-17 07:34:05

On the fence about this. Think the other mum was n't trying to be unfair and you said she is honest with reasons. Probably didn't even think about the letting you down last minute side.

Problem is if you don't use cancelled playdates as a punishment is will children continue to be naughty as their playtime is never cancelled?

I woud reimburse any bookings paid for if this was my DD/ places at parties.

smilingsarahb Thu 05-Jan-17 07:36:12

I think it's very rude to do this. It happened a few times to us and my child felt awful. One friend I was good enough friends with to say can you threaten a consequence that doesn't hurt my child's feeling next time and leave me in the lurch, and another we stopped organising to do things with as as they cancelled 1 in 3 times for this reason. I can see if their child is over tired and misbehaving because of that, but I would ring and say my child was overtired and needed a rest and apologise. At 8 there must be better ways to help a child with bad behaviour.

Treaclex Thu 05-Jan-17 07:39:07

YABU
Whilst it's upsetting for your daughter if the other child's behaviour warranted no play date then you should respect the parents decision. Far too many times I've held play dates where some of the little terrors should've been kept at home due to behaviour but the other parent didn't want to let me or my child down, result 3hrs of constant telling off and falling's out not fun !

PurpleDaisies Thu 05-Jan-17 07:41:40

YANBU. Your idea of saving the punishment for later is much more sensible.

I don't agree. Immediate consequences are far more effective and something big like missing out on meeting a friend is likely to have a big impact. This is assuming the acting out was bad enough to justify the nuclear option of "you're not going any more".

I can see why your daughter was upset but she should be angry with her friend, not her friend's mum.

Yakari Thu 05-Jan-17 08:00:50

I had a mum do this for DDs birthday - I think when they were five. The child had been misbehaving and the mum threatened that if they repeated the behaviour they couldnt come to the party. You can guess the rest.
She called, explained and said she felt she really had to follow through once it was said. It was a last resort and said in haste. Totally understood. DD was disappointed but life goes on and I think they had a play date a few days later.
I can see why your peeved your an your DD plans have changed (bet you were looking forward to her being distracted by a friend smile) but enjoy a spontaneous day and plan a play date in the near future.

CheesyWeez Thu 05-Jan-17 08:05:17

I was similarly disappointed once. When we couldn't wait any longer to start the games at DD's 10th birthday party we phoned and the mum said the friend was being punished for not doing her homework and wouldn't be coming. So who was that punishing really? Us, the hosts, the birthday girl and her friends, the mother herself who would have had a quiet afternoon. I just don't get it unless it's an excuse. I found it so preposterous I supposed she was just embarrassed she'd forgotten or something, or the girl didn't want to come

waitingforsomething Thu 05-Jan-17 08:06:07

Yanbu. I think it's unfair to let down the other child, also their parent my have changed their schedule or refused another playdate in order to do this one so it isn't fair. They could have punished the child another way that won't effect others.

SatsukiKusakabe Thu 05-Jan-17 08:18:43

Yanbu. Seeing through on plans with other people is important, and children often act up before they go out somewhere because they get over excited so I wouldn't do this.

At 8 she is old enough to not need an immediate consequence to get the picture, depending on what the circumstances are I'd have thought of some other way to deal with it.

But then, like a pp, I don't really see discipline in terms of punish/reward. Seeing a friend isn't treat or a reward, it's a normal part of life they have a right to enjoy, not a privilege. If they're overtired or in too bad a mood to enjoy it then that's different, but she would have explained that if it were the case, presumably.

Collaborate Thu 05-Jan-17 08:29:00

Her call, not yours.

A party my son went to when he was 6 was notable for the absence of one boy who'd been warned that morning by his mum over tidying his room, and that he wouldn't go to the party if he didn't tidy it. He didn't, so he missed the party. She got instant kudos from the rest of us for that, and we held that up as a shining example to our own kids for years after.

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