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DD being bullied

(65 Posts)
furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 21:40:09

Don't want to out myself because I think several of the mums at my dds school use MN. Basically her 'friends' older boyfriend and his mates have taken a dislike to my DD and are using the friend and another few girls to indirectly bully my DD. School are aware of issues between the girls but obviously can't do anything about the older boys. I've been contacted privately by two of the girls in her year group informing me of the situation and how these idiots have been stirring up trouble on a daily basis. I haven't told my DH the full story because he would go absolutely apeshit - these lads are 17/18/19 and he would treat them as adults bullying his daughter. I don't want my DH getting in trouble but I feel wretched for not telling him.
The police aren't really an option because my DD has blocked them all from contacting her so all the name calling and rumour spreading is now coming at her via other pupils who would be very unwilling to co-operate.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because I genuinely feel if my DH got involved they would leave my poor girl the fuck alone 😢
AIBU not to tell him or should I just do it and let the chips fall where they may?

Patriciathestripper1 Wed 04-Jan-17 21:46:48

They are adults bullying your daughter well 2 are.
My Dh would be the same and my worry would be him getting into trouble with the police!
Why can't the school stop the boys?
I would probably tell him and tell him to be careful.

fraggle84 Wed 04-Jan-17 21:50:20

I'd tell dh

furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 22:09:56

The boys don't attend the school and never have. My DH getting in trouble with the police is what I'm worried about because where his children are concerned he wouldn't care what anyone thought he'd do what he had to in order to protect them.
I just don't get it some of the bullies are MEN what the fuck are they doing bullying teenage girls!! angrysad

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Jan-17 22:14:03

Whatever these boys are saying it is the girls that are doing the bullying that are actually the problem here ("he told me to" is not much of a defence). Have you spoken to the school about the "friends" bullying).

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 04-Jan-17 22:17:37

Bullying a little girl. Arent they hard. hmm
Well let's see how big tough and brave they are. When a man squares up to them, because. It will happen sooner or later. Who else's sisters daughters are they bullying.
They're adults. This is harassment. Harassment is against the law. Name calling is slander.

furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 22:21:01

Yes the school are aware. Unfortunately they cannot dictate what these other discuss 'between themselves' i.e. Very loudly in the vicinity of my DD

furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 22:21:52

spider if I tell my DH the man who scares the shit out of them will be him confused

Gooseberryfools Wed 04-Jan-17 22:25:15

What are they saying?

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Jan-17 22:26:31

What do you mean, the school can do nothing? What are these girls saying in your dd' s hearing?

furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 22:27:43

Slag slut sket ugly etc sad

furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 22:29:40

I'll give an example without being too identifying.
In dds earshot:
Oh yeah such and such were out last night. They really don't like 'Sarah' you know said she's a proper slag. And they don't even know how she can be a slag because she's minging ugly

Italiangreyhound Wed 04-Jan-17 22:30:27

furious this is awful.

When you say "...so all the name calling and rumour spreading is now coming at her via other pupils who would be very unwilling to co-operate."

Do you mean these kids are at her school and are telling her what is said to kind of let her know, or they are continuing the bullying? Because if it is the latter then the school can discipline them because they are part of her school.

The fact these are adult men picking on a child, a girl, is very worrying and I would, to be honest, consult the police. What interest have these men in bullying a child. Is there any evidence of this on her phone, or any screen shots etc?

I'd tell my dh, and make him promise to be calm but I would tell him and together decide how to deal with it.

The school can and should deal with this. Ask for their anti-bullying policy (or find it on the internet) and ask for a meeting where you go through this with them. If they say they cannot do anything do they want the other parents to know they are 'powerless'.

Check out these documents, google for similar, and be prepared to know what you can do, together.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/preventing-and-tackling-bullying

These are adult men, if it becomes known they are bullying a child they would hopefully be a laughing stock.

You need to get your dh on board but make him see losing his head could lead to these fuckheads winning, if he gets arrested for threatening behaviour.

Talk to dd, build her confidence, ask her how she wants this dealt with, can she just avoid these girls, can you get her some assertiveness training. Make her a part of finding the solution so that she feels empowered.

Sorry this is happening. The men and the girls helping them are utter shit.

thanks

Italiangreyhound Wed 04-Jan-17 22:33:16

This is hate speech. It is a crime.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-36775398

If she were black would the school stand by when she got called names about her colour?

Help your dd to filter out these horrible comments, they are mean but meaningless. Remind her she is special and important, I am sure you do.

furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 22:33:44

I'm going to have to talk to her properly about it because she doesn't want me 'kicking off' about it or everyone will be talking about her (even more than they are)
I feel like I'm deceiving my DH because if these were women picking on her I'd feel the same way he would about the men.
The 'friend' who's boyfriend it is has just blatantly lied to the head and said they've fell out and she's making it all up to spite her and she's jealous of her having a boyfriend. Kids can be so fucking horrible can't they sadangry

Sybys Wed 04-Jan-17 22:34:05

Yes the school are aware. Unfortunately they cannot dictate what these other discuss 'between themselves' i.e. Very loudly in the vicinity of my DD
That's such bullshit on the school's behalf. If two students were having a deliberately loud 'private' conversation about how one of their teachers is ugly (or whatever), I doubt they would take the same approach.

Italiangreyhound Wed 04-Jan-17 22:35:23

Just because the people talking are female, it is still misogynistic.

kidshealth.org/en/teens/bullies.html?WT.ac=ctg

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 04-Jan-17 22:36:10

3 big hard knock men. Who bully girls are scared of a man.
Why does that not surprise me.

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Jan-17 22:37:33

Ok, well the school need kicking into action then. No halfway decent school wouldn't act on that - it is clearly bullying. Get hold of the school's anti bullying policy then make another appointment and insist that they start following it. Involve the governors if you need to. The boys may be behind this - or they may not be. But these girls certainly are.

Italiangreyhound Wed 04-Jan-17 22:40:09

Ask the school if the children were making racist or homophobic comments which were cruel and hurtful would the school say they could do nothing.

Excellent comment Sybys.

OP please be led by your dd. If there was violence involved then I would be straight in with the law but in this case, if it has not escalated yet, then I would suggest at least asking dd how she would like to deal with it.

PLEASE do not do anything to encourage her to stop talking to you about it, e.g. do not say "OK we will keep it quiet but if it gets any worse I will... blah blah blah..."

Keep reassuring her that their lies are hurtful but they are just lies.

user1477282676 Wed 04-Jan-17 22:41:39

You do need to tell school because in repeating these disgusting things, the other girls are participating.

furiousatthebullies Wed 04-Jan-17 22:41:43

I'm going in to school tomorrow and insisting on a meeting with teachers and parents. I will have to tell my DH but hopefully I can convince him to remain calm. One of the young ladies who contacted me told me these big men had laughed about seeing us shopping in the local supermarket and said they'd verbally abused my DD. This didn't fucking happen little shit bags, and I trust her word that they did actually brag about how big and hard they must have been in front of us hmm
I'm going to speak to DD now and tell her the police may have to be an option and I'm going to screenshot everything incriminating in her phone. I know I'll probably be flamed for saying it but I would happily let my DH backhand the older lads if there were no comebacks that's what they fuckin deserve angry

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 04-Jan-17 22:47:57

I bet one of them fancied your DD and she said no. They sound pathetic enough to get nasty at rejection.

Goodmum1234 Wed 04-Jan-17 22:48:21

Look at equality act 2010, it includes sexual
Discrimination and is unlawful. Quote this to school. I feel for you and your dd.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 04-Jan-17 22:53:13

I'm not flame you. They're hurting your baby of course the claws are going to come out. Its called being a parent. Its a basic animal instinct.
It'd be a bit odd if you didn't feel that way to be honest.
They deserve a back hander, and whoever gives it yo them. Should get a fucking knighthood.
What are they doing hanging about with young girls anyway. . When I was 19. I had a mortgage and car ect.

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