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To put the final nail in the coffin with my ex best friend?

(102 Posts)
PinkyPie80 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:43:39

I had a best friend who I had been friends with since about 5 years old. She was my very best friend, like a sister to me.

When I had children, things changed and she became weird towards me. We had a massive row Xmas 2013 over something silly but she brought all these feelings to the foreground about how she felt that I had no time for her anymore etc and a lot of hurtful things were said on both sides.

I now have 2 DC's and Xmas just gone I swallowed my pride and sent her a Facebook message, asking if we could meet up when she was next in town and clear the air. She replied favourably, even saying that she would like to meet my 2 DC's. I didn't hear from her over Xmas so assumed she had not come back to visit her parents.

Today I happened to see on Facebook a video that she had posted of her at her parents house having Xmas dinner on Xmas day. I saw it because a mutual friend had commented on it and and it came up on my news feed (I'm not friends with her on Facebook) So she had been back in town and not contacted me to meet.

To say I'm hurt is an understatement. I offered the olive branch and she has rejected it. It's not like she was just a friend - she was like family to me for 25 years and maid of honour at my wedding.

AIBU to just block her on Facebook so that I don't see any further updates from her and just accept that the friendship is over forever? Hurts like hell but it's hurting me more to see that she doesn't care sad

lilyboleyn Wed 04-Jan-17 14:46:12

That sounds tough.
However, Christmas can be such a busy time, perhaps time ran away with her.
I think give it one final chance for a less busy period.

Underthemoonlight Wed 04-Jan-17 14:47:26

I think your jumping the gun Xmas can be a busy time visiting families

rollonthesummer Wed 04-Jan-17 14:53:20

Maybe she came just for the day or the morning after and didn't time to go visiting.

We stopped off in a town to see a relative of mine for lunch on our way home from seeing the in laws after Christmas and my mother in law posted on Facebook how it was a shame we didn't call in to see her sister who lives 20 minutes away! We didn't have time-it was just a fleeting visit.

Her comment really pissed me off though!

AmeliaJack Wed 04-Jan-17 14:55:27

Give her a chance - Christmas is a busy time seeing family. She might have thought you'd be too busy yourself or might just genuinely not had the time to fit you in.

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Jan-17 15:00:44

Just because you offered an olive branch doesn't mean that she needs to grab it at Christmas does it? Why not wait a few months?

ClopySow Wed 04-Jan-17 15:01:47

In a really quick christmas visit, a meeting to clear the air might not be a priority.

FuzzyOwl Wed 04-Jan-17 15:04:26

If her Christmas was anything like mine, there would have been no time at all to meet up with anyone else. Perhaps give her the benefit of doubt and assume she was busy, especially since if she wants to meet your children it is likely she wants to spend more than a quick hour seeing you. I think I would have been non committal to someone I didn't want to meet up with so I wouldn't block her on Facebook or assume the worst just yet. How about sending her a FB friend request if you have cleared the air and see if she accepts?

WetNovemberDay Wed 04-Jan-17 15:05:58

I think you need to assume im this case that because it was xmas she didnt have time to meet up.
We travel "home" to stay with family several yimrs a year and often run out of time to see everyone we want to. At xmas its manic. Everyones busy, rushed, tired and often ill.
Give her the benefit of the doubt this time and see What happens next time shes home.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 04-Jan-17 15:07:54

You say she went weird on you when you had your children. Is she having fertility issues.

PinkyPie80 Wed 04-Jan-17 15:10:57

The reason I suggested Xmas is that's the only time she comes home. She lives in France and only ever comes back for Xmas. Her parents are the only people she sees when she's back and she normally comes back for a few days. I just would have thought that if she was keen to meet but was too busy a message to me to say sorry I can't meet but I would still like to etc.

PinkyPie80 Wed 04-Jan-17 15:12:21

No not fertility issues. She lives in France so couldn't understand why I couldn't afford to visit her (also not leave my baby). The argument came because she resented me going on a family holiday after telling her I couldn't afford to fly to France to see her

ShinyMoonFace Wed 04-Jan-17 15:14:19

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. I have a cousin who lives in Australia and visits home once every 2 years. It is mad for her - her mum 'books up' all her time with various relatives etc, and she is always exhausted.

Christmas is a crazy time for finding 10 minutes to yourself, never mind to see friends.

Don't stress... relax and see where things go.

butterflymum Wed 04-Jan-17 15:14:58

To quote, albeit from author unknown:

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or just felt. They have come to assist you through a hard time, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, suddenly, the person disappears from your life. Your need has been met; their work is done.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share or grow or give back. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They give you great joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons—things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all your other relationships.

Think about the people in your life over the years. Whether they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your life.

And when they are gone, be thankful for the gifts you received from them when they were here—for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Kirriemuir Wed 04-Jan-17 15:18:00

Give her a break! We've been rushed off our feet over the last 10 days. It's a busy time.

FuzzyOwl Wed 04-Jan-17 15:18:32

Maybe all of the time she had arranged to visit was allocated for things and she just couldn't see you. If she only comes over once a year, I would send her a FB friend request and see how things go from there.

ClopySow Wed 04-Jan-17 15:22:06

The argument came because she resented me going on a family holiday after telling her I couldn't afford to fly to France to see her

Yeah, i'd just let this friendship go tbh. You've had children and grown up. She hasn't.

sonjadog Wed 04-Jan-17 15:23:58

If she was only there for a few days over Christmas, she quite possibly didn´t have time. I wouldn´t write her off as yet. Just let it go and see what happens. If she lives permanently in France, her life is there and that might be where her focus is. It doesn´t mean that she doesn´t want contact with you, it just isn´t high up in her priorities.

hollyisalovelyname Wed 04-Jan-17 15:24:00

I'd let her go too.
Has she children?

justanotherusername0 Wed 04-Jan-17 15:27:43

I have drifted from very close friends from when I was young.
Just because your friendship started when you were 5 doesn't automatically mean you will get on when you're 25...35 etc.
People change and change and change again . I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing if a friendship that started young doesn't continue into adulthood. I think it's fine if it doesn't, because people do change. 5 year olds have roughly similar interests because they play outside at school, play with similar toys etc but as we grow our preferences and life experiences widen and we have so many different options . I wouldn't push a friendship that isn't working that started from this young . It may just be that it was for when you were younger but your lives are different now

TimeIhadaNameChange Wed 04-Jan-17 15:28:05

Give her a chance. You contacted her, I assume, just before Xmas. By which point she would already have made plans for the holidays. If she does only come over for the festive season get in touch with her in good time for this coming Christmas and put plans in place.

You remind me of a friend of mine. We live hundreds of miles apart, and only get the chance to meet up when I visit my mother. But he's really flakey about meeting up so years can go by without seeing each other. We'd said we'd meet up in August last year, and the week before he was agreeing to this, but my attempts to finalise plans came to nothing.

I texted him at the NY and said let's try to meet up sometime this year, it would be great to see you. He replied in the morning, asking when I would next be down. I replied, truthfully, that I'd next be down in March for my Mum's birthday, but may not be able to meet up then as I was, obviously, going down for her and could only do a few days due to other commitments. He immediately moaned that I'd sounded more enthusiastic the night before.

I should have ignored the question of when I was "next" going down and mentioned a month later on in the year. But then I'd have to make sure I didn't mention going down in March to him in the meantime, and hope that mutual friends didn't tell him either.

daisychain01 Wed 04-Jan-17 15:28:14

There are loads of easy ways to keep in touch, honestly why make excuses for someone. If it had been important enough to her, she would have made the effort. Even a text or WhatsApp, to say hi and hope all is well.

She is giving you a message.

Time to let go of the past. But maybe that's because I can't stand onesided relationships, they're demoralising and wreck self esteem.

eddielizzard Wed 04-Jan-17 15:31:48

let it go now. she could have said she was busy but she chose to leave you hanging. nothing more you can do.

LucieLucie Wed 04-Jan-17 15:36:58

Keep in touch but don't push for meetups.

It sounds like you both have grown apart and lead totally different lives now.

Nothing wrong with a distant friendship.

It would have been easy for her to come to your family home at Christmas after 3 years of no contact would it?

LucieLucie Wed 04-Jan-17 15:37:44

Typo wouldn't

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